This will be long. Bear with me. Just need to vent. (SA warning)

I just recently turned 30 and feels like I'm right on track for my first existential crisis. No job/career, didn't finish high school, not a single friend in my life, both sides of my family are completely screwed up. Suffered SA at the hands of my own father, who left me and my mother when I was pretty young, came back when I was a teen (which I had hoped and prayed for daily), only to realize the loving father I always dreamed of having, was NOT what I was getting. It all started so fast, and the grooming got me hooked immediately. I actually begged my mother to let me stay with him when she and the rest of my family moved states. What a fool I was. The abuse continued until I was roughly 17-ish? It's hard to remember things. It's hard to even believe I allowed it continue until I was that age... He died when I was 19. I planned the entire funeral. All the pressure of making arrangements was on me. Feels like that's right around the time my brain "broke" so to speak.

Now I'm 30 and continuing to experience the consequences of that mans actions. What I thought was social anxiety is most likely agoraphobia at this point. I barely leave my apartment. And if I do, I always insist that my fiance goes with me. For some reason I just cannot do it alone. I'm absolutely terrified of the world. This has held me back for years... I know I'm in desperate need of a doctor check up, dental work, the whole nine yards. But how? Everything feels impossible. It's exhausting. I don't have my high school diploma because he basically allowed me to drop out, ***, he even looked up the emancipation laws and got the ball rolling for me! I was isolated and groomed for so long, no wonder I'm so messed up.

Ah, did I mention that my drug-addicted ("formerly", she says she's been clean 2 years now, hard to tell if it's the truth) and homeless mother has popped back into my life, asking for help? And of course I dove head first into trying to help. To be honest, I truly do want to help. We went through a lot and don't have the best relationship. Maybe I'm grasping at straws. The last true chance of me having a parent in my life. My heart hurts for her though, because I can honestly see how/why her life ended up the way it is.

But she doesn't know how much help I need. She doesn't know what he did. She constantly reminisces and praises him. It makes me sick. But how could I reveal all of this to her now? Trust is a big problem with her, plus she's definitely dealing with her own mental health issues. All I could see is this situation blowing up in my face if I told her. But at the same time... maybe she would care. Maybe she'd be a mom and help me. I don't know.

It's been a real rough day. Realized I needed to see a dentist about possible gum disease. Don't have insurance, and with no job, rising costs, a single household income.... yeah, figuring out how to pay for treatment that I'll surely need is definitely kicking my anxiety into overdrive.

On the plus side of things... I did make an appointment to finally get a new ID. My old one expired 2-3 years ago. Hopefully once I get that done, I may be able to find a simple WFH job. I also started therapy about 2 weeks ago. Next sessions is on Monday. Boy are we gonna have a blast talking about all this.


Sorry for getting all ranty. My mind is all over the place tonight. Usually I have my mask on pretty tight, and I try my best to be positive, or just straight up not talk about these types of things. Seems like it makes people uncomfortable when I do. Nobody ever knows what to say, or says the wrong thing and I end up feeling worse (no fault to them really-- I understand how insane my story is).


But this feels... safe? For some reason. Thank God though, I really needed to get this out somewhere.