...See more
I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2020, but it wasn't until this past year that I learned that there's a difference between burnout in neurotypical people versus neurodivergent individuals, specifically with ADHD and/or Autism. I don't have an autism diagnosis, but I really resonate and experience many of the symptoms, I tried to do testing, and got half way through, but insurance didn't pay for my sessions, and so I didn't get to finish. The clinician still wrote a 31 page report for me, but there wasn't enough to make a definitive diagnosis, and she said that even if we had finished the testing, she's not sure that she would have been able to make a definitive diagnosis because I have so much trauma that it's almost impossible to differentiate what symptoms may be caused by trauma or being autistic. I know that many of the symptoms I experience have been there most of my life, since as young as I remember, but my childhood was riddled with trauma, so my brain/personality/coping didn't have a chance to develop without being in constant fight or flight.
With that in mind, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do. I read this article about ADHD and Autism burnout [https://neurodivergentinsights.com/mentalhealthresources/autism-and-burnout-glypb] I feel like it's the only thing that defines what I'm experiencing, but when I try to explain and express it to people/my mental health professionals, I'm just told "you're doing better than you think you are" and like yes, I'm doing better than I have in the past, but I'm also not functioning at home.
I'm struggling to get up and go to work. I'm skipping work most days, and luckily I have a job where I have such light supervision and a lot of freedom, so as long as I'm doing certain things, I can get away with not working for days at a time without anyone even noticing, but then this makes me feel guilty, and when I tell people that I'm struggling to get to work, I just get shamed even more and told that if I don't go to work and I lose my job it'll just make things worse (which is true because I have to work to keep a roof over my head and feed myself).
When I do go to work, I come home and climb back in bed almost immediately and cuddle with my dogs. When I don't go to work I stay in bed most of the day. Only getting out of bed to eat and go to the bathroom.
My cousin and her daughter are living with me, and my cousin works in the evening, so I'm in charge of dinner for her kid and I every night, and it's so hard for me to cook dinner. It takes so much out of me that it feels impossible to do literally anything else. The apartment gets so messy all of the time because I can't manage to get my laundry put away after I wash it, I can't get myself to do dishes, or clean up after myself. My cousin usually ends up keeping up with dishes and cleaning the kitchen, so that helps some, but then I feel so much guilt and I'm afraid she's resenting me because I'm not doing more because it seems like most days I'm literally doing nothing productive aside from making dinner. She's working 40 hours a week, at a physically demanding job with a toxic boss. She's going through a divorce from a narcissistic husband who is trying to get custody of their 8 year old. Her 8 year old just started therapy and is currently diagnosed with adjustment disorder, which comes with a lot of emotional and behavioral issues that we are trying to manage. She's trying to get her daughter into health appointments, that her husband neglected to do. She's never had an eye exam or been to the dentist, her daughter is 8 and still pees the bed, so she has to wear pull ups at night. Like my cousin has a lot to deal with, yet she's managing to go to work every single day, even when she doesn't feel like it. She gets out of bed to take her daughter to go to school every morning even though she doesn't get home until almost 1am. She's taking care of the things she has to do. And then there's me... not doing anything and feeling like I can't function. I try to remind myself that she doesn't have DID, ADHD, Social Anxiety, Generalize Anxiety Disorder, or clinical depression. I also try to give myself credit because I am working through my trauma and I've made so many changes in my life in the last year and have worked really hard. But I still can't stop beating myself up for feeling like I can't function.
From article:
Research on neurodivergent burnout shows that some of the most common contributors to burnout include:
*
Masking
*
Having social/sensory needs minimized by others due to appearing "fine" (i.e. masking)
*
Not having access to the appropriate level of supports & accommodations
*
Executive Functioning fatigue following a number of stressors or transitions
*
When the overall load exceeds abilities + supports = burnout
I feel like I'm ALWAYS masking when I'm around people. I don't feel like I'm allowed to be myself because when I'm myself it's too much for people. When I talk to people about how I'm feeling it's often minimized and I'm told I just need to make myself do the things or I'm doing better than I think I am because outwardly, outside of home, I can mask enough to look high functioning. I have virtual 0 social support and don't even know what accommodations are reasonable to ask for because it seems like no amount of accommodations would make a difference. The executive function fatigue shows with everything I do. Anything I do like showering, laundry, cooking make me feel so exhausted, that I can't do anything else. I also feel like I'm significantly more sensitive to sensory stimuli. My cousin's daughter is always asking if she can play a song on my google speaker, and I have to tell her no almost every day because music is overstimulating. I don't even listen to music or audio books or podcasts in the car anymore. I've noticed more sensitivity to light and have to turn the lights off often.
These are the suggestions from the article, and I'm doing what I can:
*
Attend to the sensory! Moving in ways that feel natural and good, reducing sensory load, engaging in sensory activities that are restorative
*
Spend time unmasked (again, masking is consistently one of the highest predictors of burnout).
*
Ensure appropriate accommodations are in place (at school, work, etc.).
*
Practicing good boundaries in relationships (we have fewer spoons).
*
Engage in activities that are enlivening (special interests, passions, time alone, or with those whom you can safely unmask).
*
Support healthy rhythms by prioritizing healthy sleep hygiene, routines, & practices.
The way I'm managing my sensory needs is avoiding over stimulation (as much as I can by not listening to music, I don't watch TV or movies anymore, I stay in bed with my dogs because the only thing that feels good in a sensory way is laying in my bed, under my blankets, with my dogs laying against me while I'm petting them). Even sitting up feels exhausting and so uncomfortable, so I lay down a lot to avoid the discomfort. I don't really get a chance to unmask. I can't unmask at work and then at home I'm taking care of her 8 year old a lot, and I have so much trauma from times I've unmasked in the past that I literally cannot unmask unless i use a legal substance to relax my mind. Again not even sure what accommodations I can ask for that are reasonable and would make a difference. I am kind of proud of myself because last night I asked my cousin if she could clean up the potty pads when she got home from work because I couldn't get myself to do that, and I knew if I didn't change the pads before I went to sleep we'd wake up with pee all over the floor around the potty pads. She seemed a bit annoyed that I asked her to help with that because she had a rough day at work and she just wanted to relax. So I Just feel bad when I ask anyone to help with tasks that feel overwhelming. I feel super isolated because I have created emotional boundaries for myself with most people, and no one messages me to see how I am, and when I message first asking how people are, they unload on me, and they rarely ask how I am, if by chance they do ask, I feel like I can't really be honest because the other person has so much going on, I don't want to unload on them, and so I've just stopped talking to people mostly because I don't have the spoons to support them. I can't find activities that feel enlivening, everything feels overwhelming, stressful, or overstimulating. When I do try to do things I think will be fun with my cousin and her daughter, her daughter ends up throwing fits and tantrums, complaining, and having an awful attitude, which then makes my cousin irritable and then the vibe is just awful. One time we went to minigolf, and her daughter threw herself on the ground crying throwing tantrums at every hole if she didn't get the ball in before everyone else. Every hole, 18 of them was a constant battle with her daughter, I ended up not having fun and more overstimulated. I don't have any friends to spend time with. Crowds and public places with a lot of strangers completely overwhelm me between my anxiety and overstimulation from all the moving and talking, and everything and so I usually end up feeling miserable. I went to meow wolf for my birthday and I thought it would be fun, but I ended up being overstimulated and felt like crying the entire time and felt like I was going to throw up and felt on the verge of a panic attack. So something else I tried to have fun, but ended up making me more overstimulated/overwhelmed. I used to like to paint, but when I think about how much I have to get out and put away when I'm done it doesn't feel worth it because when I do, I can't find inspiration and so i end up frustrated with myself and feel worse than when I tried to paint. I used to write poetry, but I can't seem to get the words out on paper anymore. The last few times I've tried to write poetry I ended up frustrated and defeated because I couldn't find the words to express what I wanted to express. I like playing board games and card games, but I can't do that with my cousin's daughter because when we do she throws fits and cries when she doesn't in, and I want to work with her on learning to tolerate losing at games, but I don't have the emotional energy to do so because I'm so drained. I did find an event in town tonight and posted in a local women's social media group to see if anyone is going that might want to meet up because I don't want to go alone. It's a cannabis Halloween celebration, where you are actually allowed, and expected to be high, and that's the only way I can get past my social anxiety to actually talk to people, and so I think it could potentially be an option to try to meet new friends. But I don't drive high, and it's been snowing for the past 24 hours and I don't like driving in the snow, and so I'd have to find transportation. I am doing my best to support health, routine, hygiene and other things. Routine has been super hard for me lately but I'm trying to make sure I'm doing at least he minimum. I am trying to be consistent with showers, but lately my days have been so blurred together I'm going longer between showers than normal, I do put on clean clothes every day, I am making sure I eat, not always the most healthy of choices, but I have a lot of food and sensory issues, and so I'm just eating safe foods to avoid additional stress right now. I'd like to get to a point where I have the emotional energy to expend on challenging myself to try new/aversive foods so that I can be more heatlhy, I've increased my water intake. I know i need to exercise more, but I can't seem to get myself out of bed most of the time, and when I do get up and do things, especially walking for extended periods of time, I end up having a lot of physical pain. So it feels like it's lose lose for me.
I know something needs to change and I know I need support, but I don't see anyway for things to change and I can't take a break. There are 3 of us and 3 animals in a one bedroom apartment and there's just not enough space. We've been talking about getting a storage unit to try to store some things until we can get a bigger space, but we don't even have space for a couch. My bed is in the living room because my King sized bed doesn't fit in the bedroom and so all of my belongings are in the living room, and so when the shared space becomes a mess, I don't have anywhere to go to not get overwhelmed by the mess. I have my mental health support, and that's going okay, but the only thing I can really see making a difference is more social support, but I don't know how to do that because all of my efforts haven't seemed to make a difference. I am still trying, as shown in my willingness to see if anyone wants to go to the halloween event, but so far no response.
I don't know what to do.