Is it my fault? TW SA
*TW SA*
When I was 5 I never wear underware and just shorts and tshirts. One day I went to my cousins house to play with his sister but she is not there.... I found him *** and watching p0rn.
I asked him to pkay with and he let me in, inside the house, he let me sat on the same couch as him. He takes out his phone and asked me
"Can I take a picture of your ***?" as a child when a grown up ask me to do something I would do it. He layed me down as my legs faced him he took off my shorts and spread my legs. He then touch me there to spread my opening and took a picture of it. I remembered he played with it a bit.
He then stand up and went to the restroom with his phone.
When he get back he let me go home.
I was too young to comprehend it so when I got older at 9th grade I was heavily disgusted with myself.
I was never the same as before. I was confused i gave him permission? Was it my fault? I don't know what to do.
@SHmau
It was not at all your fault. However, I understand and relate to your feelings of feeling as if it was your fault. When something happens to us in our childhood we are not able to compare it as good/bad or appropriate/inappropriate. As we grow up and start realising what happened to us we start feeling embarassed, shocked etc and blame ourselves for the things happened.
It is very very disheartening to know that these things happen to kids too in our society. We are here to support you ❤️ As a kid you could have never really understood whatever is going on and that's why there's no way you could do anything about it at that time. Sending you lots of strength my friend.
How do you cope up with these feelings? Are you having difficulty in letting go of this thought that you were responsible?
Thank you! :)
I'm slowly moving on from it but the coping mechanism I had 2 years ago was terrible I would detached myself from reality and just sit and feel numb. However, I have someone to talk to about these feelings and help me throughout my healing journey.
I still get thoughts like this when I revert back to episodes of depression (undiagnosed).
@SHmau
I am so proud of you for having support and opening up about your issues. All the best!
@SHmau
Hi! This was not your fault, in no shape or form. I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you. You were way too young to understand what was happening. At that age, we trust people, especially those who are family. I am sorry that your cousin betrayed your trust. I hope you find a way to heal and move on past the guilt and disgust towards yourself. We are here for you.
Thank you:)))
@SHmau
no it not fault as he was adult you was a child. he know better and not did what he did not you. also as kids we was to obey adults. so you was only doing what a child is to do. for us it was our brother who ask us if we wanted to play doctor. then he touched us down there and this was start of it for us. so like you we was only doing what a child is to do. mt brother 4 years older but we was to obey him and not question him. so we did that like you we was only doing what a child to do.
thing that helped me was that a child think differently then a adult. so we can not put things done to us as kids. into adult's way of thinking and going on how a adult would reason ect we have to remember we was a child and thought like a child too. hope this helps.
but in no way was it your fault. put the blame were it belongs not on self
but in no way was it your fault
Thank you ❤️
I'm deeply disgusted how it happened to us and why did they think to do such thing.
@SHmau
we get that too. the social worker who worked with me over 20yrs online. told me this i thought it might help you too. she said as kids in their way of thinking that they think if the take the blame that in some way they can fix things. so you putting the guilt on your self is normal way kids think. she also said trying to think us as a child should have thought and acted as we as adults do. she said that wrong as us as a child thought like a child reacted as a child that how a child mind different then a adult mine. so please do not do that to your self. as you was a child when it happened and had at the time a child mind not adult mind. so you acted and thought like a child not like you do now. hope this to helps as it helped me a lot. take good care of self
Thank you so much❤️
I guess I'm ready to forgive myself.....
@SHmau
that great but please if you find yourself blaming self about any of what happened. do not be hard on self seeing you decided to forgive self. within that it a journey may take sometime to fully forgive self and stop blaming self for things not yours to hold onto. we still have times that we go back to blaming self. even putting if i would have done this or not did that it would not of happened. so when you find yourself doing that forgive self again just for what came to mind. but please take care of self and do self care. be good to self remember healing a journey not all done in a little time.
so be kind to self