Stabilising parts: Using IFS Un-blending for DID
Un-blending is a technique that was developed by Richard Swartz as part of Internal Family System therapy. It was designed to help a person to separate themselves from inner critics or criticised parts.
Inner critics (sometimes known as persecutor parts in DID terminology) often ‘attack’ us with thoughts/feelings. They seem to reenact abusers, so naturally, they feel terrifying and can overwhelm us. Often once you get to know these parts you may become aware that they are actually trying to protect you by ensuring you behave in the manner that will make you the least likely to be hurt by the abuser(s).
Another type of part that IFS focuses on is the criticised child, they can overwhelm us leaving us depressed, sad, hopeless or worthless. These parts are sometimes known as Exiles and hold our shame responses. They often have unrealistic expectations from our abuser(s) or Inner Critics/Internal Persecutor parts. Once you are away from the abuser(s), these behaviours are no longer needed in order to keep yourself safe. However, the opposing reactions of these Emotional Parts can continue to cause conflict long after the trauma has ended. IFS seeks to remedy this.
IFS asks us to think of emotions and sensations as communications from parts. With DID this might be seeing parts inside who are distressed and crying or re-experiencing trauma through body memories and flashbacks. Anything you don’t identify as belonging to ‘you’, or feeling s of confusion about who ‘you’ are, could be a communication from a part.
It is tempting to push these big feelings away, they are often intense and held by parts that hold trauma memories. But in pushing them away they are likely to escalate, as parts will feel invalidated and likely to 'shout louder'. There are a few techniques that our system has tried in order to cope with these times. The approach we use is different based on how well we know the part, if they are usually cooperative (or not), and what age they are.
IFS begins by suggesting that you detach the sensations you are experiencing and step back from the part that is flooding you. This can feel counterintuitive for those of us who have DID as it can appear as if it is encouraging dissociation. To combat this, we have reframed it as having ‘Internal Boundaries’. Each part has their own circle or bubble in which they contain how they are feeling. They can ask for help and share their feelings, but they must ask permission from another part to do so. This avoids further flooding in the future. The key to this technique is trust. If you do not come back to help them, they will revert to flooding again and it will take longer to reestablish trust the next time.
If no one is available or able to help at the time of distress, other methods of containment such as imagining a jar to put feelings in may help until it is safe to share. Encourage your parts to bring these to inner meetings and share what is going on when they are ready. If you have a large system you might wish to buddy up littles/child parts with adult parts or another little to befriend.
Un-blending can be very useful for DID but in my opinion, it needs to be adapted to take into consideration that when a part begins to communicate with you (especially in the beginning) it begins to remove the dissociative amnesia. The amnesia has kept the functioning parts (Apparently Normal Parts) ‘safe’ from the knowledge of the trauma and often they are resistant to hear from EPs. In addition, some internal parts may still be frozen and stuck in ‘trauma time’ not knowing that the abuser(s) are now gone, or that you are an adult capable of keeping yourself safe. If your abuser(s) are still in your life they may be coming forward to prompt you to reach safety. If you are not yet safe, that needs to be your primary focus before you work on unbending.
We will now look at the 6 Fs in the IFS un-blending technique:
1. Find -The very first thing to do is recognise their distress. We all need to be heard, seen and validated. Parts are no different. In fact, they have most likely been holding these feelings for a very long time and it is important to acknowledge and honour that fact. Notice where in the body you feel the sensation.
2. Focus - Draw your attention to the part that is communicating with you. Try not to control what is happening and let them show themselves in whichever way they need too.
3. Flesh out - Notice how they look, sound, what they are saying or how the body is feeling now your attention is focused on them.
4. Feel Towards - Thank the part for communicating with you and for keeping you safe from these feelings thus far.
It may feel inconvenient, awful timing, distressing or you may even feel angry that they are doing this ‘to you’. Try to remember that they are very distressed and treat them as you would any other child/person who is distressed. Self-compassion can be triggering for those of us who have been in self-punishment. The first step to calming is to help them understand it is safe to share with you, what has happened to them. This might feel like telling, but it is not, you are all internal and it is a safe space to share. If you are not able to be kind towards them then do not continue or it is likely to escalate internal conflicts further.
If at this point you are not able to continue, reassure them that you heard them and invite them to communicate with you again when you are feeling better.
5. BeFriend - How well do you know the part? Here are a few questions that might be helpful
- Ask them if they know what year it is
- Communicate what is going on in the outside world, who you live with, what area, your daily/weekly routine etc…
- Ask them what their role is and who gave it to them?
- Ask them if they want to share anything about themselves, but avoid asking direct questions (esp for SRA/MC as it may feel like reporting).
- Ask them if they want to keep doing that role or if they would like a new one.
- If they share their name, ask them if they would like to keep that name or choose a new one.
We call this phase reorientation and we also do this when we check in with parts or want to communicate external changes that might affect them.
6. Fear - Find out what would happen if they stopped doing their role
- Ask them if there is anything in particular that is making them afraid or upsetting them.
- Ask them what they think would happen if they stopped doing their role.
- Discuss other ways that role could be done or if it is still needed, this one may take longer and work better when trust has been established.
The point of these questions are to explain that life is different now and they only have to continue to do their roles if they want to. Try to avoid leaving them without roles or structure as they might default to prior roles. If they don’t want to give up their role then discuss how they might adjust for your current life. Remember it will take time, so focus on building trust and not getting a perfect outcome, it will probably require a lot of negotiation.
The last thing to mention about IFS is that a lot of practitioners do not account for larger systems. You may have multiple Inner Critics and Criticised Child parts or other types of parts. That is totally ok, they are there because you needed them and you can repeat the same steps with all of your parts to build communication. For the first few interactions focus on understanding their feelings/roles and communicate external changes. Later you can build on letting them make choices and sharing memories when both parties are ready. You can ask other parts that are more stable to help with this process as well.
Think of this as an iterative process, going through big emotions in bite sized chunks will reduce distress for all. Remember with trauma and amnesia, slow is fast!
@bubble0000 @AuntieMymble @Walker7957 @LillianEtAl @Lilibuth12 @DichotomousDetia
As promised & sorry it took me so long 😊
@LifeIsMyCanvas Thank you for the time and effort it took to put this together. I can see that this might be extremely helpful!
@mytwistedsoul
Hi, I'm using a microphone in so it will be messed up and I suck at talking so it will be even more messed up.
I found you here and a lot has changed and I'm not sure about where to go looking or where else to find you but I found you here so I thought I will reply to here and just know that you'll need to read between the lines with words and things being screwed up with the microphone on this old useless tablet is it screws microphone words and things when I type no need to go into detail about how much it he's up and how excuse up.
I know it's hard for you or who's there to remember some things and that's okay and I understand it is hard for me and who's there to remember some things too and I hope you're cool with that and I'm cool with that.
We used to talk in a different thread a lot more often more regular and I don't remember how long ago that it wasn't so long ago but I'm not good with time and I can't remember the name of this red and I'm so sorry and I can't remember the name I was under but it was officially deleted here and I'm not breaking any rules. But we did used to talk in we did have good conversations in or at least what I saw it and I guess you thought that we were good friends in for who came in sometimes others can't even for each of us in it was all okay that's all I want to say for that for here just enough to let you know but not say too much here.
I've been gone a while. I'm sorry I hadn't been back and I've been dealing with a tremendous tremendous amount that do about no possible way to go into an explain all of it but a lot of it is Chama base and she'll miss trauma relationship combo Bass wow I see the microphone messed a lot of that up but I hope you can read between the microphone and what I meaning Allis Chalmers a relationship or combined wow it messed up.
Bottom line doll that microphone messes up it's more than anybody I know in Life or did I ever work with for years could possibly handle and it's no compliment or anything but it's reality and I feel like I've been good surviving make it free such as tremendous overload I've been dealing with you and trying to go through that I don't know any other human that could have been I reach my breaking point and I'm back here for a little bit I've got a little bit of time and I don't know where I'm going to end up but I've got to get out of here and I don't know if I have internet and I don't even know if you even remember me or not just know that I was someone that cared and we were friends and we got along and everything was okay that right there's enough and that's a lot with people with trauma that's actually a lot to me at least and I hope it's enough for you. And I remember you and your yard and your dog in your house but that's enough and all I'm going to say I remember more of it but it's not here to say
But I don't know where I'm going to be in I don't know if I'm going to have a roof outlets on that have wall on if I'm going to have the chair things like that would be a blessing. And I've been trying to take care of someone else through all this in they've been kind of well they've been very very bad. And I've got to leave to take care of me and Escape. I did before and stupidly chose to come back and it's all my own fault and I've got to deal with my own decisions and I'm a grown adult and I've got to deal with my own decisions and make my life better and if I can stay here for a little bit and communicate I can and and then if one day I'm not I'm not and I can't help it then I'm gone and then maybe I'll get to come back okay I just wanted to tell you well I had the chance tonight. Sometimes some of us depending on who was there, we eat slight certain fonts and sometimes some of us like colors chart and colors maybe that will help I don't know and I can understand if you don't remember but it's ok
I was just trying to spend a long time but I don't know if it's a long time to you or not but to me it's not cuz I'm older in time this slower but I'm going to have to go from here soon to save my life in I don't know when and I've been trying to find a place but there's a lot of places for people with substance abuse in is a lot of places for men with substance abuse quite a few it is a lot of places for women if they had children and if women don't have children they don't qualify so if Mendel has substance abuse and women don't have children their kind of left out and that seems to be the reality here and it's over nine hundred square miles city in the US so and I've been calling and calling and trying everywhere with every program and to the whole state you can't even get an outlet in the climate storage room which I would be glad to rent for climate storage space for my little bit of belongings that I want to keep but I can't even put a fridge in there for my medicines that has to stay in a refrigerator and a lot of them are now medical from long-term trauma how that develops over long term in like seven or eight migraines and summer injectables that have to stay refrigerated in is diabetes medicine in in stomach medicines..... this long-term trauma causes medical problems and sure do need medical insurance and they sure do need medicine later on and I sure didn't need a little mini fridge and I'm sure wanted to buy one and try to talk to him about paying the electricity and put it in your office and I've tried everything but the whole state you're not allowed to even have one so sister-in-law yeah I Can't Fight The Law of the state and I've not told anybody anything and shut up and closed off for years it I can't quite go to people that I've been doing what I could to help and talk to and make them laugh and try to help them and listen to them Shun Lee Lee eraser crafts and try to talk which I don't even think I could and tell them I need help I don't even know how to ask for help I asked others how I can help them so I doubt anybody would even believe anything cuz I've hidden it all in protected protected him from going to jail or even when he's hurt and I can't go into it all little sensor it here it's about as drastic as you forget but so I'll just try to cut it off here and let you know I love you as a friend and we enjoy talking and if I can keep talking to you for a little bit till I leave here if it's supervised so keep working it's a really old thing if it will keep working and if I have time in the middle of trying to solve problems I will in if nothing explodes here I will try to have a little time I have therapist but their husband just died show that again has been canceled and they were checking on the last place to possibly find a place to live so I don't know what else to do so I'm worried about them I wish I could help them but just know I thought about you and you may not even know who I am I remember me and that's okay but just know that I think you're a nice and neat and cool person and we did have a lot of nice conversations and you were cool and I like doing the accepted you and accepted you for who all you are and you're okay with me and if I get back and I can stay for a while good I just wanted to say hi well I had the chance for a moment here and I'm sorry I haven't for so long that it's just with so much you can't stop this so much sometimes it's so bad and you can't even explain and you can't talk about it and you can explain much less stopping explain with trying to survive so I hope you understand I hope you know I haven't met any harm in I hope you can remember and ask if I come back then I'm not a bad person and I don't mean you any harm and we've always been alright if any of this has any gone Rogue any memory has been a while probably to you but always have thought a lot of you and respect did you even a good thoughts of you as a friend take care and I wish you the best and maybe I'll get to talk to you again soon I'll try to be on here if I can take care bye-bye for now let me try to figure out how to post this on here again sorry about the microphone I suck talking.... good thing some of the others are now talking it would be real confusing with it switching from one to another you probably slam it down and think I'm some idiot messing with you and I'm really not take care bye-bye
Thank you so much for this. I appreciate this a lot. Very helpful reading :) .
Thanks for doing this @lifeismycanvas, think I need some more time to read and digest but this is super helpful information!! I guess one question I have, and fair if you don't have an answer, is how are you kind to a part that feels like a threat? I really struggle with trying to understand them and often end up shutting the door as it would be and running away.
@Lilibuth12
I imagine being in their shoes and wonder what might have happened to make them feel like they need to be threatening in order to keep us safe. Every threatening part I have found is actually trying to keep us safe even if it doesn't feel like it. If I have learnt anything, it is that all my parts protect us, even if I don't like the methods!
Tagging onto Canvas's reply, you can swtimes be kind simply by not reacting and not retaliating. Using a bit of the Grey Rock Method that can be used with psychological abuse.
With an IFS practitioner I learned to respond a specific way noatter how nasty or threatening the part felt/said/urged
Recept of inner threat/fright/abuse - take a breath or whatever helps you ground, center, have a small sense of safety or stability, or.beings you present and respond
"Thank you for communicating with me, is there anything else you would like me to know?"
If
they are quiet, mean, sassy, informative, lying say"thank you out for communicating with me is there anything you need me to know?"
Again, silence, meanness, helpfulness, anything is a response and a communication so say "thank you for communicating with me, is there anything you want someone else to know?"
Any silence, abuse, anger, sad, happy, fear, words, etc. That are returned: "thank you for communicating with me."
You show them they will be heard, respected, and given time. You show them you appreciate them communicating even if it's just silences as those can be a communication too - this allows the to feel safe and respected with you and it'll take the tooth and nail out of their communications, it'll take your avoidance, fear, and retaliation out of the situation.
It'll break the internalized abuse cycle and they won't feel or necessarily even act as threatening.
We've had alters we responded to like this who used to self-harm and take suicidal action, now they communicate calmly their concern and we hear them with the same respect and level of calm as we learned with these 3 questions and Thanking them for communicating. We don't dismiss, reject, attack, or insult even the scariest and we are no longer afraid of them. 6 hospitalizations and this trick did more work than 13 therapists.
I would also watch the TED Talk by Eleanor Longden available on YouTube. Her parts present as schizophrenia and at one point she was doing awfully dangerous and embarrassing things before she learned to say "thank you for communicating with me"
Best of luck
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Thank you!!
Excellent post, Canvas, very informative and easy to understand.
Ahhh I learned thru trial an error to keep questions not too specific because the push back could be extreme or destabilizing. Uncovering she MC history this makes more sense.
@LifeIsMyCanvas
thank you for writing this post! I hope it can help a lot of people :)
Have you got any tips for how to do this when there are several hundred parts around front? We used to do this when we thought we had fewer alters but have found it to be less effective the more alters have introduced themselves bc they can't necessarily hear/understant us, they might not actually be capable of stepping back, they often don't trust us/the alters in charge enough enough to let them come back later, and they might not actually be capable of coming back later. So instead trying to ask them to step back just causes headaches, panic attacks, and blurred vision 😅
@rosessystem
Hey there,
We are a system of 5880 parts and we use this process a lot but it takes a lot more practice and respect for each other when you have a poly fragmented system. It's natural for parts not to want to relinquish control for fear it will not be given back to them. Perhaps for parts who have this particular fear, you can practice letting them gain and give back control when you are in a safe place? It will help build up trust which is vital when times are more difficult. They have had a job to keep you all safe and it probably feels like life or death to give up that control. Try to ask them what their fear is. Sometimes they will say something that relates to a past situation that is no longer applicable to your current life. This is a good starter for reorienting them in the present. Try to communicate how you are thinking you might want to respond differently. Or how other parts can assist in responding so they don't shoulder all of the burdens. Giving them more information about current life can also help give them a sense of control, without them taking control from another part. Personally, we have had to stop thinking of control as all or nothing that one part can have. More something to be shared. In fact, we have a list of system rules that I encourage them to adhere to. This sets the boundaries for system responsibility. If they are broken we use various boundary-setting methods.
Unfortunately, having a large system does make the process longer but if you can trust some of the parts that you have known longer to help, it can share out some of the work. For example, I often find my littles are very good at reorienting and soothing other littles. After all, they know what they need! Leaning on each other only strengthens trust further.
@LifeIsMyCanvas you did an excellent job with this!!!!!!!!!!! I am very amazed!!!
You know a lot directly from IFS, with it's formal structure and techniques. Wow! I had no idea you knew this much about IFS.
I/we have been approaching this a little differently, with more I corporation of other techniques at the same time; this, you do have a far greater, more detailed knowledge and approach to and with IFS. I/we have been going with this as a basis, but with using also a. Ore blended approach. .....some sensimotor (spelling??) as you a
So included that above, a trauma-CBT part some, but regular CBT we know does not work barely at all for us, and a few, not much, more tech piques, kind of all ...depending on the time/ situation/need,etc.
There are some neat, newer even things that have been being worked with finally. Will not go into it here. I do think the IFS has been a great advancement, can be very useful, and am so grateful for it, among some of the other later things.
I like how, what I have learned has been found, that was previously thought so different. Previously with m p d and then with did when it was changed in 94 oh, it was always thought of as a personality development in developmental years from trauma with parts storing trauma. This is still true and I agree with this but the later things I have found has shown part of me left to right brain splitting into the parts that can feel the Body Sensations which is more of the psycho sensor motor things which Pat Ogden started with--- excuse this stupid microphone here only sold crappy tablet. I'm trying to read between the lines if it's okay you know what I mean. But from what I'm trying to say and think here from what I've learned is there's been a difference in shift in learning from the knowledge of the development of the parts in dissociative identity disorder and I had that and had it for decades and have learned in had to relearn. But is now being found out that it is more of a formation of the parts from a left to right brain thing then so much of trauma holding but yet even the formation from the left to right brain formation of Parts which is included the parts within the IFS does each hold the trauma also I hope this can make sense I don't explain things well and don't talk well and I'm talking with the stupid microphone. I can't type anymore is the laptop is gone now. But with you knowing so much details and specifics about the IFS probably everything I'm trying to speak into this crazy microphone about is probably boring and secondhand knowledge to you.
I'm sorry I've just lost all of my data, all my notes, all my save researched and I've just lost everything not just that I've lost everything else I do have a thumb drive I can walk by and look at it for now but nothing to put it into but for now I have a wall in a roof and a chair I'm sorry but you do know a great deal about this and I wish I could talk to you about this and hold a decent conversation and just listen to you that would be an honor and I would so appreciate this listening to you thank you for your post and I so appreciate it and I realize and recognize how much you know and I'm able to from what I've learned and no and and using go through with my therapy and research and I can't access it and remember and dig up now anymore but I'm able to at least remember and recognize and see how much you do know and it's very incredible and I'm very impressed and thank you for your great post. Now to figure out how to get this crud I put in here the post is a reply thing on this this will be a challenge.
But thank you and thank you all for reading everything here that was posted then it's very good and very accurate and it's good for us all to know is this is helpful for a shawl with did and people with ddnos or the current term for that sorry I can't keep up with a lot of the current things without my information anymore and please excuse me and don't jump on me I can't look it up I can't find it and I can't access it I'm sorry please forgive me is this a lot it's going on and noni going into it but it's just been watching too much and that's why I've been away from y'all but this is been a great post and I thank you kindly let me try to post this reply if not y'all will be saved from y crud.
@OverlyStresed
Thanks for your kind words. Actually, I didn't know a lot about IFS, I researched it so I could write this post.
I can relate to the sensory-motor approach. Dissociative Disorders fall under somatisation disorders in the DSM so we cannot ignore the physical and other aspects of trauma. If you wanted to integrate some of that with this IFS technique it could work. I personally assume all physical sensations are communications from parts, I would rather work on the presumption that someone is trying to communicate and then realise they weren't. After years of them being unheard, I do not want them to feel that way because of me missing something. Although I am not perfect and do miss things at times. I have noticed that my younger parts prefer movement-related grounding. I've also become increasingly aware from other DID'rs that Autism is quite prevalent in the DID community so sensory grounding would make sense in that regard as well.
I did 8 years of 'CBT' it didn't work for me. I haven't tried trauma-CBT though, that is on my list to research next. I wouldn't feel comfortable commenting on this yet.
Regarding DID as a disorder of personality, I'm not sure I agree with that. It is not categorised in any of the cluster personality disorders in the DSM. I do however agree that it is, at least in part, a developmental issue/delay. If you read the theory of Structural Dissociation by Ellert Nijenhuis it proposes that we all begin life with separated action systems. Actions systems are those internal systems that drive us to seek out food when hungry, engage in social interaction for comfort or play and avoid danger (among others). He proposes that structural dissociation occurs when these systems fail to integrate with each other. If we then experience trauma that causes these action systems to further separate, then more layers of structural dissociation will occur. Many people believe that dissociation is a splitting of the brain, in my opinion, this is incorrect. Nijenhuis suggests that the brain begins with separated action system states and fails to integrate due to trauma. With further trauma, (especially attachment-related trauma) individual action systems can become further separated from each other so we lose the ability to fluidly switch states as others do.
I believe IFS therapy helps those with separated actions systems to integrate these different states. But it does so from a premise of some level of awareness of separate'ness'. It fails to address the amnesia created by further layers of structural dissociation. It probably appeared that I understood IFS well but actually I understood structural dissociation well first. I then applied it to the IFS technique to 'convert' it to be more friendly for those with dissociative amnesic barriers between their parts.
We correctly talk about parts being trauma holders, but I think often we fail to recognise that they not only hold the memories but also the adaptations we made to our beliefs, emotions and behaviours. We often exile our parts for beliefs or actions we deem socially unacceptable which keeps them separated. Trauma is not in the event, it is in the way it made us respond. 2 people can stand on a beach with a tsunami about to hit them, 1 may respond in shock and the other may run to safety, survive and be fine. I propose from my research that these beliefs, emotions and behaviours are the action system alterations that are discussed in Nijenhuis' Theory of Structural Dissociation. That needs to be the focus of our recovery and the only way to integrate those parts of us walled of by amnesia is to choose not to exile them by disowning their beliefs, emotions and behaviours.
Finally, I just want to clarify that when I mention integration I do not mean the fusion of parts. I mean the connectivity of memory, communication and inner kindness that comes from ever-increasing internal communication. Underneath all of these practices, our action systems begin to integrate as we give ourselves the gift of completing those developmental stages we missed out on. Our brains are not broken, we just haven't completed the growing process yet.
If you ever want to chat I'm usually around on Sundays in the Trauma Support room 😊
@LifeIsMyCanvas
My Goodness, I have been here all these years and never read any of this. Only to find out last year that I too have a DID system that I had no idea. I am grateful for this info
