First of all: THANK YOU for creating this much needed thread!
and now for my venting:
omg - I can not carry this burden any longer.
I have no one to talk about this with ( except my energy healer who specializes in trauma work). I am in a program for eating disorders and trauma - but NO ONE TALKS ABOUT TRAUMA ( STAFF). The only way trauma is talked about is in group and I do not feel I have a right to talk about mine and I do not know how. So, here we go - I swill spew my emotions!
I am a survivor of incest from my father and my uncle that started so early ( i dont have memories of this not happening), I was bullied for years, my father physically abused me horribly so,and in a very sadistic way.
my step mom treated me inhumane and crossed the lines between sexual abuse and emotional abuse....I was treated like a dog by her - a beaten down dog. I am Still mistreated by her, my father and I hold onto this and allow it to continue bc im so scared that if i dont - my dad will leave me and he , besides my aunt - is all i have for family.
Growing up, my mother was chronically ill and finally, died: in front of me.
I hate myself so much - i destroy every good thing in my life, i have never been in love bc I am afraid of being abandoned or hurt. I vascilate between being a nasty slut to being terrified of of human contact bc intimacy ( physical) is NOT safe.
I have been raped multiple times as an adult - like I have some " victim" tat on my forehead. Like my words and boundaries MEAN NOTHING! And the rapes were so freaking violent that I thought , in all reality, they were going to kill me and atthat point - I didn't care bc it would at least stop.
Every time I try to let go of this, I hold on tighter bc in a way - this is a weird way of honoring the silent pain I endured for years. I don't know how to get this out. And I STILL freaking SEE and HEAR the warnings of my uncle and dad to NOT TELL. They voices are so loud in my head they are like audable. And everytime i TRY to talk to someone about this - i see/hear /feel it - and i slam my mouth shut out of fear and shame of being bad.
They have RUINED my life. I am NOT living my authentic happy life at ALL - I was robbed of that, over and over and over. I have tried to "off" myself so many times and spent most of my life, childhood onwards - planning my death - but this is NOT something I want. I want my life back - the one that was STOLEN FROM ME.
And my mother knew - she KNEW! She even punished me for some of it. And she was a freaking school counselor - how could she do that to me?
I am so angry and raging at what happened.
I am so sick of HATING myself so much that I destroy any help offered....I destroy my life:
with eating disorder, self harm ( bad) no self estemme, hypervigilance, constant fear andf mistrust of everyone. I always think that ppl talking near me or laughing near me - that they are making fun of me. I am at the point where I no longer can survive this day to day. I will NOT take myself out of this world without a fight! I have NOT fought for my life, my rightful life, back yet - and I am going to start doing that starting Sunday at my appointment with my energy /trauma helaer.
I have done NOTHING but slowly destroy myself and my life in every way I can think of - over and over - holding onto the hate, anger, shame, fear - but none of this is mime - but I CARRY THE BURDEN.
I am so embaressed to ever even tell people about what I went through but I am so tired of takling it out on myself and sabatoging myself and my life. I can NOT do that anymore. The time has come to heal from this crap and give it back to those who gave it to me.
I do not know how to do this - but god, i need to do this.
side note: if there are any listeners that are available to talk to me about this - PLEASE REACH OUT TO ME.
I can not seem to find listeners that know what to say or feel comfy talking about this.
I am dying , slowly, from the inside out.
I need help.
I
