Journaling your Experience

Thank you so much for this thread, my friend.

I am currently learning to accept love from others. I'm not as closed-off to it and I'm not scared anymore as I used to be but it can be challenging for me. I am happy to give love but not be fully vulnerable.

@YourDigitalFriend well, finding proper balance for both being open and vulnerable is important. So I pretty much hope your findings will help you along the way. I wish you success on improving.

Thank you for thread. I think I have my piece to share.

Well, my attachment with others is difficult, insecure one of the most of times, what causes me to have attachment avoidance a lot of time in real life. What to say about my feelings, I typically have to hold them for myself only, have them unshared. It turns sometimes into having hard time to converse with people properly and politely. I never feel I am understood enough, so that scares me that I am too lonely.

Ooo, this is a good one. So I'm a very emotionally closed off person, and I have always held people at arms length to avoid getting close to people.

On the flip side, however, growing up, I lacked a father figure, and now I find myself becoming emotionally attached to men who could give me that fatherly love I missed out on growing up.

Sometimes I'll be at the store somewhere, and a man will say "have a good day, sweetheart" and I feel a pang of sadness in my chest, wishing that my father would have said things like that to me.

So I don't like to open up to people a whole lot (but I'm learning to!), but that emotional need that was unmet has makes it easy for me to attach to any male figure that comes into my life.

I'm trying to work past this, because I would like to heal, but there are days where it's difficult and I just really want a dad.

I can relate to the sad feeling, I also didn’t have a father figure growing up and whenever an older male teacher, coach or coworker would say something nice or fatherly to me, I wondered what it would be like to have had that type of care consistently. For a long time, I liked to think that my childhood didn’t affect me, but I recently went through a breakup with my bf who was 7 years older than me and I’m realizing how much I relied on him to take care of me. I’m doing therapy now and I’m working on myself and mental health.

@resourcefulOwl7361 oh girl believe me I know. I also just ended a relationship with a guy 6 years older than me. I relied on him a lot emotionally because he really just seemed to understand me on an emotional level, and I was attracted by how secure he was. He was so stable in a way that I had never understood before. But don't worry, I think when we realize our tendencies, we can learn how to truly heal from the people who have hurt us in the past. We're all a work in progress :)

Same girl! I relied on him so much for my emotional needs and to feel validated and secure. I’m just now starting to learn to rely on myself, I’m 36 lol but better late than never! I agree, being aware of our tendencies will help tremendously in becoming emotionally stronger and realizing that it’s ok to be a work in progress!

@resourcefulOwl7361 I love this! Good for you, and there is no problem being a work in progress. The worst thing we can do is to stop trying. Sending a bunch of love and support your way, you've got this <3

You’re so sweet! Thanks for the kind words and sending you so much love and positive vibes your way as well! 💕

Oh I understand this more than you could possibly know for myself. My own dad was never there much for me when I was growing up and now that I'm in my thirties I find myself hating him for things that I will not mention on this post but I do understand where you're coming from, feeling an attachment to basically Any older male figure. And the most I can offer you Is that you should work on accepting yourself without reaching out to a guy for acceptance. At least for a little bit to help yourself 😉 And Good Luck 🤞 to you

I’m also in my thirties and it’d been a journey coming to the realization that I need to validate myself! Best of luck to you as well! 🙂

@positiveriver9935

Thank You ❤️.

@positiveRiver9935 Ah, you are totally correct. In this time in my life, I'm focusing a lot on self love, which is the best type of love. When I truly love myself, I will no longer feel like my validation and worth come from a man loving me. So I am happily devoting this New Year towards being single :)

You are not alone my friend. I am glad I found this community to better understand myself and see that I am not alone. I am too realizing how much this father figure lack is affecting me in choosing my partners. For me is always the unavailable, older kind of men that I do not usually have acces to. From the start its a lose situation and I do it more consciously now but I am in a period of time where I am learning how to say yes to the right people. To be confident enough to go for those that I feel I am trully attracted too.

"Severe depressive disorder with attachment disorder"

This is one of my 'qualifications '

But still don't know what the attachment disorder is exactly. Or why it's useful to label it as such.

Seems like a cool idea

I don’t have any friends and I don’t let anyone close because since a baby I was hurt tremendously by those closest to me. Throughout my life whenever I did let anyone in I was also abused horribly. I’m not safe with anyone close…so I’m very isolated and alone and terrified of people now.

It's not good , but be aware you're not alone there are people who can help you but in the end all efforts will be your

I always have this nasty inner critic in my head that makes it really to try to socialize and be present with friends. This constant narration and critique of everything I say and do. And I am so worried that people are judging me or thinking negatively about me ( projection on my part, I am sure).

I do not have any close friends now...let me be honest, I do not even have Any friends that I hang out with or are even in the vicinity of me. It is not that I have not tried, nor others not trying or even not having friendships - I have such a deep fear of people hurting me or backstabbing me ( in a different way that paranoia - it is more of ...like living in a flashback that never ends and constantly warns against this happening again).

In my friendships, I put all the attention on them to open up and talk and I am very guarded with innermost thoughts. I never really knew this until my best friend/sister by love - not blood, responded to me saying a random story about my past by saying, "omg sissy, i think that is the first deeply personal thing you have ever shared with me about your life. Ever." I felt this in my gut. She was right.

Part of it is that inner critic, part projection onto others, part self hate and shame, part feeling i am so different from everyone else that no one would even understand me anyways.

Hello Im new here. This is a good one to journal. I'm the opposite with this. Growing up I was always loving and connecting with other's wearing my heart on my sleeve.

Now basically since 2009 I've changed. Now, I'm detached from everyone and the world. I did remarry and a 3rd child but, they are the only ones really in my life. I 🍩 even talk to my 2 older boys anymore. I'm on meds again doing emotional support groups online. I would love, to love once again but, I don't think I well.

@alleywood13

I'm so sorry alley, I can relate to what you said. I too am getting distant from other people. I feel hopeless.

Don't feel like your alone. It's ok you can do this. Im here if you want to vent talk or have me listen. Im trying to process my feelings of this lonely thing. I've always been in with others. But isolation is my new thing. I do go out and do the errands I need to do. Don't give up.

@alleywood13

Thank you Alley, I appreciate you taking care of yourself. Hope we can overcome this.

@munchiegoosie

Thank you munchie, for this thread and everyone for sharing your stories.

My experiences with attachment difficulty are various and of many varieties. Most often, it is about my "ideal expectations" from people that they obviously don't meet up to and I let that justify my keeping my distance from them instead of shifting my expectations to be better adjusted to reality or to just be practical. Part of it is due to a certain lack of empathy on my part, as I have been thankfully told. As a first born, I also have been very pampered in my childhood. I have an independent avoidant type of attachment style which is said to be the worst type of the four types there are. I think, the key is to learn to listen and be alert to signs to intentionally and persistently learn to connect and allow for mutual attachment to happen in your close relationships. I'm grateful to be able to now have and work towards better experiences of attachment, love and caring. I wish you best on your journeys of growing towards securely attached adults x

@fruityHoliday63 you're awesome for becoming aware, being open to learn and work on yourself and practice healthy attachments in life. Way to go. ❤️

I like how you mentioned about the unrealistic expectations and how it is a better option to shift our perspective towards a realistic/ practical one ~ something i could resonate with alot and am working on, as well! Wish me luck lol. 😊

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

I wish you the best, slowly but surely you'll get there. xoxo

@fruityHoliday63

Aw thankyou, much appreciated! ❤️

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

And thank you for being kind and supportive!!

Hey @munchiegoosie, I really appreciate you for creating this space where everyone can share their experience(s) with each other, as well as receive supportive comments, assuring they aren't alone. And it is super okay to feel as they do! ❤️

If you'd like to share something too, please feel free. 😊

@munchiegoosie

Thank you for making this post. I feel so unsafe when I don't talk to my parents anymore. I feel hurt even when I look at other people because I feel like they would hurt me if I talk to them yet I crave so much. Existence feels really bad. I feel like I'm being pushed inside a prison and will be punished.

Okay trigger warning I guess is what I am supposed to do still new but I warned you read at your own risk. I didn't get the I love you sweet heart have a great day or hugs and kisses growing up.. it really bothered me how my mother treated me differently from my brother I was 9 when he was born so big age difference but she was all hugs and kisses for him and I would be standing right there like hello I am right here too.. I was raised to believe that I was molested by a guy friend of my mother but turned out was raped I was 5 ..I remember having to go to police department use dolls to explain what happened.. I didn't feel right being around kids my age after that .. I couldn't relate to them they were all running around being loud carefree while I felt empty lonely didn't know why ... Remember teacher asking me why I was not playing? I told her I don't know how to be like that anymore she didn't know had no idea what I was talking about it was plain as the expression on her face. I remember going to school that was only for behavioral or learning disabilities I actually learned cursive writing and my math skills were great but then stupid Karens of the world said that children with disabilities needed to be with regular kids .. can you please guess what happened 🤔🧐 math skills plumited because they focused on language skills instead of equally so ta-da suck at math . Oh I was diagnosed dyslexic and add that was learning disabilities .. had school before the just for disabilities because it was private school christian school kindergarten teacher didn't believe In dyslexia wanted to hold me back .. the one where I didn't want to play was different school and was made to redo kindergarten I glued crayons to my desk..they called my dad ..he asked me why I did it..🤔😒 I was like I know all this stuff my abc how to count my colors none of the kids listen to the teacher it's loud and I got bored so I decorated my desk.. he said there ya go but told me you shouldn't have done that.. I have some good memories mixed up mashed with bad ones so much bad.. I learned early not to trust anyone I learned to keep everything bottle up no one cares no one listens to kids at least not back then .. I learned people could do horrible horrible things to me tear me down I was supposed to just get over it let it go but then when you have someone bringing up your past talking about it like they know when they don't know crap never really 😒 wanted to know why I stopped making good grades why I was tired why I chopped off my hair no one cared no one asked why I missed so much school no one noticed 5th and 6th grader missed a lot of school . I was scared to talk about what happened embarrassed wanted to pretend it never happened wanted to be normal wanted to be happy but I was broken and missing something .. sorry 😔😥 not probably helpful I saw someone post about not having Dad figure the whole "I love you have a great day sweetheart" really I can relate but then all this came out that's age 5 to 11 yeah trust me it doesn't get better wish I could say that I had gotten help and things got better but it would be a lie.. I got where I quit modeling school chopped off my hair just went to school then walked and walked around neighborhood during summer lived at the pool and trust me I know I probably shouldn't have been there by myself but it was my escape I swam so much got swimmers foot had to take break from swimming weeks to be exact which sucked .. I walked pushing my brother in stroller and then my sister when she was born so much that neighbors thought my sister was my baby no seriously.. she looked just like me that didn't help 😒 but I dressed her in matching outfits well colors and it was my mini me LoL 🤣 she called me sissy Mommy that was not cute in public.. people thought I was ignoring my toddler I was 15 so no not funny 😒🤬 didn't help that my mom played it up in crowded Disney world.. oh I tried to spend the rest of my time away from my mom even staying at hotel room watching TV swimming and sleeping ... I called boyfriend he was 22 dad was pretty upset about phone bill .. wrecked dune buggy tore my leg up almost drove it into ocean 🌊 . I had girl at pool try to make out I was pregnant I had abs and smaller than her and her friend ..I guess that wasn't so awful of a memory but it doesn't last ..I realize that guy I am seeing is friends with guy who did what he did to me and several times his friends all old enough to know better that was the 5th 6th grade horrible time .. and off and on this whole time because I couldn't escape he knew where I lived hung out with guys in my neighborhood so unless I stayed in my house my room couldn't escape he would drop off for a while then always pop back into my life .. I hated trying to act like I was ok being around him hated how he corner me make me feel trapped small and pathetic and I would go along with it hated how I try to convince myself I enjoyed it because I knew saying no wasn't a option .. learned that way back then .. I hate how I can remember his name I hate how I remember and still keeps me up at night I'll go awhile be fine and something will trigger memory so many I wish i could forget .. that is just age five to 16 not anything current that haunts my dreams ok I get tired of being asked why you stay in relationship with someone who has abused you 😒😡🤔🧐🤬are you being funny I have to remind myself oh yeah this jerk doesn't know all your other trauma to help them understand why you freeze why when you know you should run not walk away because years and years of sexual abuse verbal abuse and emotional abuse has made it where you just give in give up go along even when you know that they don't love you, know no one has. even though you want it so badly to have someone actually love you that you just accept whatever you are given even if it is bad not real? No oh .. ok awesome 😒😑 I think I have traumatized people with this my real pain my life not so pretty is it or happy loving a lot of hot steaming piles of poo with okay times sprinkled in between and everyone wonders why I am the way I am . not trusting and keep everyone more than arms length from me don't like confertations arguments don't like being touched unless I ask .don't like anyone getting up in my space and face.

Hey...

I uhh...I got a few I guess. Well, in general growing up, since I was a histrionic kind of kid, I didn't have many friends, and now that seems to drive me to become super attached to the ones I do have. I remember back at my old school, the girls I was friends with would disappear into the bathroom for like half an hour every lunch, and I would just wait outside with nothing better to do. And recently I found out one of them did some stuff that I was against and I had to cut them off and it...devastated me. Like I was just broken for a while. I guess it goes to show how obsession works.

Got attached to someone once - it was just an online thing. We hung out every day. I thought of them as my best friend but - there's allways a but - they wanted and needed more in terms of communication and I have a really hard time with talking on the phone and I guess they just had enough so they left - for six months they no longer existed. They came back online - left two novel length messages pointing out everything I did wrong but stated I'm not a bad person - it was supposed to give me closure and help me move past - according to them anyway but it didn't. Oh - I've let the person go but the words? How can I let those words go when they're so similar to things I've heard before? Now there's just more caution - less trust with people - no expectations. People leave - when you can't or won't give them what they want or need - they allways leave

Thanks for this forum.

Can someone tell, if some trauma is the basis of attachment disorders?

Can someone have attachment issues without any trauma too?

i get attached very easily. i’m super attached to my girlfriend and i cry when i can’t talk to her and i freak out when she goes somewhere . i feel like i am being toxic but it’s all from past trauma. i wish she understood why i felt this way but i can’t explain to her why. i don’t know how to describe it. i’ve told her but i don’t know i still act different when she can’t talk to me. i hate my self when i spam her phone. that’s toxic. i wish i could control my self and let her go places and not freak out when she hasn’t answered for ten minutes. she’s not cheating. i wish i could stop thinking she is. she wouldn’t do that. when she’s not responding that doesn’t mean she’s talking to someone else. she’s just watching her show on netflix.

This is me 😭 it feels terrible suffocating our love ones but the fear is real. Will spam him and call him lots of time until he answers. I know I was being toxic. I need his attention 24/7 or else I’ll get triggered and very very scared. I’m scared if he doesn’t love me and leave me, while actually he was cooking and doing dishes that he left his phone in the bedroom instead of bringing it with him.

Recently I’m learning how to give him time and trust his love for me although he wasn’t around or busy, and it makes our relationship better :)

i’m glad to know i’m not the only person feeling like this. hopefully i can learn to be patient and stop spamming when it’s not necessary to do that.

Perhaps my attachment issues is quite different from many others but it is sometimes frustrating me a lot. Instead of not being able to be attached or getting attached too often, I have a trouble of not feeling long-term attachment? I have good relationships with my friends and family, and in terms of S/Os, I couldn't commit to a relationship because I like them for one minute but after a few weeks/months, I lose interest (I like them but I start not being super attached to them). It just keeps happening. The same also happens with friendships. It's not that I don't like them anymore, but it's just that I don't feel that much of a connection.