Are There Any Theories?
I don't know if this qualifies, but I'll place it here anyway...
*TW*
Why do some of us have the inability to detach from toxic relationships? And even more specifically, from the toxic person that hurts us over and over again? Are we covert masochists? Are we validating an extremely low sense of self-worth? Is the toxic person a carbon copy of our mom/dad and we're trying to gain their approval through that carbon copy? Are they personal challenges to us, to where if they don't hurt us anymore, we win the challenge, so we have to keep giving it another shot because Lord knows we can't allow ourselves to fail? Are we trying to prove something? To the world? To the toxic person? To ourselves?
I know for a fact people DO NOT stay in any kind of relationship unless they're getting SOMETHING out of it. So besides more pain, degradation, and humiliation, what is it we're getting out of these toxic relationships to prevent us from detaching from them?
I'm pretty sure I know the reason I can't let go, but generally speaking, are there theories about this I just don't know about? Which actually could very likely be the case because I'm pretty darn new to this toxicity aspect of relationships...
@blueAngel00
Why do some of us have the inability to detach from toxic relationships?
Attachment styles.
Feeling of familiarity.
Stuck in drama triangle emotions.
I'm pretty sure that's Stockholm syndrome.
@blueAngel00 A lot of times you don't know they're toxic right away. Maybe you make a few excuses for some things . Maybe they do resemble parents and there can be comfort in because it's familiar. Toxic people can wear down your self esteem. They'll make little comments to make you feel bad for them. Which could make you think that you're the problem. A lot of doubts can creep into your mind about yourself. You start to think you were wrong to say or do something. You might not be totally sure it was your fault but the doubt is there. It's a roller coaster. The arguments - the anxiety. You apologize and things get great again for awhile. Then something happens and you do it all over again. Trauma bond :(
Try not to be hard on yourself. You recognized it. It's ok if it took time but now that you recognize it you see any red flags quicker in new relationships
@mytwistedsoul
Not to mention the love bombing that turns into bread crumbing, the gaslighting, the disinterest, the double standards, the constant blaming, the demeaning, the demoralization, the lying, the alienating, the cheating, the disrespect, the superiority, the demanding, the selfcenteredness, the disregard, the lack of feelings and empathy, the absence of thoughtfulness and consideration, the altered reality, the projections, the arrogance, the denial, the expectations, the rudeness, the hate, the taking, the bereftness of giving, the egotistical viewpoint, the denial, the constant attention getting,, the meanness, the obliviousness in regards to responsibility, consequences, and ramifications, the carelessness, the immaturity, the HUMONGOUS ego, and the meanness.
Did I forget anything? :o(
For me, I couldn't accept that I was so wrong about this person. At first I thought that they're amazing, and perfect, obviously because they were love bombing me. But then I saw him treating other girls the same. A voice in me said-"Those girls can't be better than me, he needs to come back to me in order for me belive I'm better". I failed to see how him being unable to see my worth doesn't mean I wasn't good enough. It felt like no matter what I do, untill this specific person approves of me, the rest of my achievements are just like side quests. I made him my life's main story. I would even imagine my future with him. And he always left crumbs of affection for me so that I don't stray. My feelings of attachment fed his ego.
It feels so disgusting to realize that those other girls feel exactly the way I did about him. They think he's the one for them. I was just one of those many girls. I was nothing special. The desperation and need of approval was more visible when another girl took my place. It made me want to puke as I realized how other people could see that I was dying for his approval. For someone who would caress my heart, then break it into two only to feel his own power.
As I realized this, it took me 3 years to finally start forgetting him. I was happy, I was thriving. Only for him to come and apologize and make me think he "changed". And there goes again, the idea. The idea that he was a good person after all just confirms my own credibility of judgement. If he apologizes, that just means that I was right all along, that my judgment was correct, and he did love me. It's so tempting to give myself that credit. But I was scared to do it, because the same judgment lead to the worst realisations. Eventually he stopped trying, and found someone else. Again.
The new grief - maybe if I had accepted his apologies, we would've been perfect. Maybe he would've been worse, but how can I say that when he said he's sorry? So it must be that he realized his fault, and I made a wrong decision to not trust him. Now I can only imagine a life where he treats me like he actually loves me. So I'll just imagine that, and grieve about how it cannot be the truth, because I can't trust him, but I want to.
Conclusion would be that, in my case it was lack of self trust. I couldn't trust my own judgement. So I kept looking for alternative perspectives. Instead of accepting that I made a mistake due to lack of experience, I would just try to justify it. I needed to realize that I'm still learning. It's okay to make a few honest mistakes. Self forgiveness is the key to break the cycle. If you don't accept the mistake, you keep going back, if you don't accept it, but don't forgive you keep wishing to go back.
Correction - If you don't accept you were wrong about them, you keep going back to prove you were right.
If you accept you were wrong about them, but cannot forgive yourself for falling for it, you keep wishing to go back hence overthinking and misery.
If you accept it and forgive yourself, there's no reason you would want them anymore.
I had domestic violence help counseling. Repetition compulsion.
