Traumatic Experiences Community Daily-Check In : Wednesday, 17th October
Hi Trauma Fam, 
Another boundary topic today… just a few left to go in our series!
On Sunday we looked at how our feelings are a motivator for our behaviours. Today we are going to look at another behaviour related boundary and that is Attitudes & Beliefs.
Attitudes have to do with your orientation toward something.
Beliefs are anything that you accept as true.
After trauma we can be left with beliefs and attitudes that are not necessarily ones that we would have held on to if the abuser had not hurt us. These beliefs can become a source of pain for us, by continuing the abusive cycle in our minds.
So today I am challenging you to write out some of the things that you believe about yourself and think about where those beliefs might have come from.
The second challenge is to look at our attitudes and how we respond to other people.
It is important that if we believe something and act on it that we understand why we behave that way. Is that a positive outcome for us? Or are we reliving a past trauma internally? If something is traumatising us we need to let it go so that we can replace it with something healthier that serves us in our new life after trauma.
Remember, our attitudes and beliefs are ours to keep, they fall within our property line. We are the ones who feel their effect and the ones who can change them. We are the ones that own them!
You dont have to share all of your journaling with us, but if you would like help or input we are here to listen and support you. If this one its your topic thats ok, come and grab and extra soft fluffy blanket and snuggle up with your fave teddy.
(I let my littles pick the pictures and colours today!)
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@LifeIsMyCanvas
Just saying hi n hope everyone is well n please don't forget to do a little something mice for yourself today☺
@LifeIsMyCanvas
My attitude toward sex is generally negative.
My belief is that people are less likely to respect your boundaries when they are aroused.
@incompl
I can understand that, trauma make us experience when people put their own needs above others and cross boundaries that are not theirs to cross. I'm so sorry.
I guess my 'challenge' which feels like the wrong word but I cannot think of another, is if it is with the right person, that maybe it could be loving and safe?
I will share a little personal story to explain... *trigger warning*
My ex was sexually abusive, I didn't want that kind of a relationship. Actually because of my faith I wanted to wait till I was married. But 'stuff' happened and I experienced sex being as you expressed in your post. Year later I fled and went into hiding, the girl I lived with told me about her and her boyfriend. She had her faith too and they talked through waiting till marriage. She said that he was respectful and they talked abut each others needs and agreed on something they were both happy with. This was such a shock to me after my experience and things people had told me, it felt too good to be true.
Fast forward 5 yrs later, I met my now husband. I told him I needed to wait, he said ok. He did think about it a while, we had to talk about boundaires but he waited for me to be ready. He is kind and loving and has never made me do anything I don't want to do and I respect him in the same way also...
There are lots of things we can do to make sex feel safer post trauma, but we need to find someone who respects us first. I guess I am saying that the truth of your experience so far is that it is unsafe, but it doesn't have to be your forever truth with the right person... If that is something you would like later on in your recovery journey 
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Thank you for sharing
I do believe it is possible with the right person. It just seems so hard to find that person sometimes. Even friends will try to push a boundary even if our relationship had never had that context to it :(
It is reassuring to hear that you and another person were able to find that. Hopefully in this world I can find friends or even lovers who respect my needs even when they have "needs" of their own
@LifeIsMyCanvas
This helped me
Also wow I didn't think people especially guys like that existed...that's actually shocking to me
That's really beautiful and I'm really glad you have a good safe relationship now!
Just a hi
@crimsonLime6525 Hi Lime!
@crimsonLime6525
Hi Lime
Do you want a blanket? I've got a nice fluffy one to hide in, sooo softs
@LifeIsMyCanvas I would like that very much, thank you
@LifeIsMyCanvas
hello beauty... missed you .. i love talking with you.
my beliefs are the sex is scary and awful. learned that.. i also believe i dont have a choice.... i believe my issues are my fault. i believe i was at fault with my sexual abuse ... i still do now with the abuse i face with my mom different abuse though...i believe im worthless and just a sex object... i believe i need to die... i learned this all...
we need to talk about somethings and i wrote a poem about when my old therapist left i want to know if you want to see it
@Hope7879
plus i feel the male gender will hurt me mostly older people than me or older men. ive learned this
@Hope7879
Hey sweetpea, I've missed you too
I am hearing all of your words and listening to them. I remember feeling those things too. I was too scared to say no, or if I did say no I was punished. It's hard to stand up to adults when you are a teen and sometimes we just can't because it's the adults that are in control. You do have a choice though hun, even though it doesn't feel like it because it is not respected... you still know your own heart. As you flourish into adulthood I hope that you will find people that help you to build up your boundaries and teach you and keep you safe. That's part of the reason I'm writing these check ins, no one taught me either!
Sex can be scary and awful, I've heard you talk about your experiences and what happened to you was, and is, awful. Thing I don't agree with you on is that you blame yourself. It's never your fault if an adult does something to you... ever.
Your body is a priceless treasure, one that is so valuable no one can afford it. Theives steal what is not theirs, but it doesn't devalue what was stolen!
Of course I want to see your poem! I love to write poems too!!!
@LifeIsMyCanvas
I'm extremely depressed. ..
I'll show you my poem tomorrow I don't have it it's on the computer ...<3 I have been having extremely bad suicidal thoughts
One belief that I now have that was developed after trauma is that people can't be trusted. This causes me to be over cautious and to walk away from potential friendships over things that others would see to be minor issues.
I am working on this but the problem is that a red flag is just that to me and it can't be overlooked. I may not say anything...either because I don't like confrontations or because I believe that other people are free to be themselves...but that doesn't mean I want anything to do with them after such an occurance.
It makes it difficult to keep friends.
@TeenyTinyAppy
Hey Appy, It's good to see you today 
Trust is a tough one when people haven't been trustworthy in the past. It's hard to compare ourselves to other people because they haven't been though the things we have so they are looking at it without the context of your story.
I hope that working though some of these boundary checkins will help you to understand what you feel are untrustworthy behaviours for you and why that is the way it is. Even without trauma, others might just have different value systems to us and that means they might never be a safe person for us but could be a perfect friend for someone else with simular values.
It sounds like you have an awareness of what your red flags are and I agree you should not overlook them as that isn't safe either. Perhaps the issue is that you are not getting onto the resolving stage because you are avoiding confrontation or are concerned about imposing your needs on someone else? Healthy relationships are those where each party freely gives and receives from the other something they need. It is ok to ask them for something in the way you need, it's also ok for them to say no or have a conversation where you can work out how you can both be you and share things you need.
Sometimes thinking about how to phrase things and what words to use ahead of time can be helpful. Especially if there is a particular thing (or things) that trigger you often. If the person truely cares about you they will be open to discussion, if it turns into conflict at that point it may be that they are having a bad day or that they don't have your best interests at heart and know then it's not a relationship worth persuing for you.
What do you think? Let me know if something I said isn't right for you or you want to talk it through some more. I'm proud of you for sharing with me.
Hmm. This is ironically something my therapist talked to me about in therapy. I had a bit of a rough session, not really able to find any words, which is frustrating and makes me feel like a disappointment. Some of the core beliefs we talked about are:
-vulnerability is bad
-if i talk about my trauma, people will leave
-i deserve to be punished for bad decisions/behavior
-i shouldnt get attached to people or they will hurt me
I guess those are some of the main ones. I havent even really talked to her about my issues with being touched and with eye contact and stuff like that. But we write out the pros and cons to thinking that way. Like that vulnerability makes you not be alone and allows you to grow and change. That its okay to make mistakes, that punishment isnt always the best and doesnt leave much room for positivity. That some people have stayed. Idk. I cant say its completely changed my beliefs, but challenging them makes them not seem quite so powerful.
I dont know if that answers the topic right, sorry if i did it wrong.
@Npepsicola
There are no wrong answers, it's your journey
Wow, sounds like a tough session but you made some amazing progress! It probably doesn't feel great right now tho... most of the good for us things don't for a while.
It's ok not to talk about everything all at once, it's actually better to go slow and steady than push yourself and shut down. Challenging beliefs does seem to make them less powerful. I wonder if it's because we are listening to our new voice and not our trauma voice for a momen? In that new space we can be curious about new ideas and look for new 'evidence'.
You did really awesome
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Thank you. :)
Things I believe about myself?
That I am stupid.
That I'll never stick at anything.
That I'm aggressive.
That I'm awkward.
That I am fat.
That I am less important than those around me.
That my no doesn't mean anything.
That I am selfish.
That I am cheerful.
That I am excitable.
That I am loud.
That I am positive (possibly to the point of fantasy land).
That I make others smile.
That I owe other people access to my body.
Think I'm just going to leave that there.
@Lilibuth12
awww Lili that's a lot of things... but I see some good ones at the end 
I wonder if you could challenge some of those negative ones, maybe look for some evidence and see if they are true? I mean we all have flaws but some of those words seem self hurtful and I think you are too precious to be told those things
I'm a naughty canvas and stayed up late making cards and watching cartoons so I need to go for my beauty sleep now.
Love you all, thank you for sharing with me and being brave for todays topic. I learnt a lot from you all
👋 Everyone is great 👋
I don't believe in a lot of the negative things just think about them constantly
But I do believe that my good times can never last. If I'm happy today it won't last till tomorrow if I'm doing well it won't last if I love someone we will have to leave if my loved ones are safe they may not be tomorrow there's always something
I do know that I'm strong emotionally and physically, I've survived a lot and still do work and love hard every day which takes a lot of work to be kind/gentle especially when others aren't
TW:talk about sex
About sex hm. I know I should talk about it. But it's like I can't express it right at all I've thought so many different things about it since the assault
I pretty much believe I can't have children naturally
But I don't want to do that anyway but still the can't is hard especially knowing it from such a young age
I believe it is impossible for me to have "missionary" or pentrative sex without being in excruciating pain that I never want to feel again ever in my life
So I don't want to have that. I don't want pain. I don't want assault. Ofcourse I don't. And I will protect myself from it which I believe is more than ok for me.
So for awhile I thought all the time: sex is pain, sex is to give me pain, no woman actually enjoys sex they just put up with it,
Now I've learned there are different definitions of sex and ways
So that's the physical aspect of it with the physical trauma but in pov of the situation
I believed
"I don't have a choice. No one cares if I was raped except for my sister. My mom doesn't believe me. I will never tell anyone what happened. The pain will never go away"
I believed I was a broken whore and d*ke. I believed that old woman stole my virginity and without it I was a dirty sinner.
I believed if people knew what happened they would laugh or blame me for it or say I'm lying and overreacting like my mother (We are on good terms now but she was pretty cruel)
I believed I was broken physically and how could anyone ever see me like that ofc not
But now I know that while I will protect myself and make sure I am comfortable and happy I also can maybe have pleasure. And I deserve that and I want that. I let myself want that.
Bc I'm not saying I want to get hurt I want good safe not horrible "sex" (it may not be sex to other people but I frankly don't care)
With a woman or a man or person
I want us both to be happy.
I worry I'm going crazy a lot and think it's just a matter of time before it shows and no one believes me about anything bc of it
I
@wittySpruce8187
I also believe no one can really understand bc very few women in the world have my physical difference also we still don't know what caused it and even then even fewer women have the physical thing and then were assaulted and that combined is just oof
