Hey, I'm a Certified Counselor, ask me anything you'd like to
I had already posted this message in other places on this thread. But since I'm seeing new messages and questions coming in- I'm posting the same message below again.
Dear all, its been a wonderful experience interacting with a lot of people across the world in our 7cups community through this thread which has now been running over two years. I regret to inform that I won't be able to respond to the posts here, going forward. I'm unable to dedicate adequate time to be able to do this and hence I request everyone's understanding. Warmth and strength to one and all !!
For all those who are seeking support- 7cups have multiple group support forums and one to one listening services.Also there are self help articles and resources available free on the website. Please do check them out if you'd like to. Big hugs to all!
I'd rather ask a friend instead, thank you, I leave you being a "cerified consellor"😉
I'd rather ask a friend instead, thank you, I leave you being a "cerified consellor"😉
I have a history of keeping things bottled up despite how bad I know that is for you. Lately, I have had to go through a LOT and I have been overwhelmed. So I reached out to the counseling services on my campus. I have only been a few times and some times I come out feeling better and other times I don't.
How should I prepare for my counseling sessions to get the most out of it? The counselor has asked me in the past what I hope to get out of these sessions and I unfortunately don't have an adequate respose. I want to tell him that I just want to feel better (?). I want to feel less overwhelmed and I definitely want to be less emotional. I want to feel like I have more control in my life than I currenlty do because lately it seems like I have just had to deal with events that have happened to me (not events that I chose to partake in). I feel like my mind is a jumbled mess of being stressed by thing A and being sad for thing B and being angry for thing C and not to mention all the mixed emotions I have all the time. I want to untagle that web of thoughts but I have no idea where to start. And because I don't know where to start, I don't think the counselor knows where to start either. So somedays when I am more talkative, and I just unload my stessors, that is very helpful. But there have been other sessions where I just feel... hopeless. I don't feel like talking as much or I have more difficulty expressing myself vocally. So what can I do for those days? How do I get help when I don't know how to express what I need help with. How do I help my counselor help me?
My other question refers to help lines. The counseling services are impacted on campus so I need to wait weeks inbetween appointments. Between my last appointment and my next appointment I have been feeling very overwhelmed because so much more has been added to my plate that my counselor doesn't even know about yet. I just feel like I need to discuss a problem now because I don't know how to solve it. It can be something like I don't know how to reframe a terrible thought or how to manage a difficult emotion. My campus offers an after hours help line but as overwhelmed as I feel, I don't think I can call. In your expereince, which situations warrant immediate help? My guess would be just instances where a person is about to hurt themselves or someone else (which I am not about to do). My issue is that these thoughts are so consuming that it has effected my schoolwork, it has effected my relationship with family, it has effected my own wellbeing (can't sleep, don't want to eat, etc). Can I call the help line when I'm overwhelmed and I still have a long time to wait until my next appointment or is it reserved for MORE serious cases only?
Thank you.
@SecretlyMe Thank you for reaching out. You do have a way of articulating your thoughts well, the pain does come across and I can imagine how this is all taking a toll on you. First, to address getting alternative help for immediate needs- yes there will be helplines for free counselling ( just check on google for the non crisis ones). Crisis ones, like you rightly said are for emergency situations.Also on 7cups itself , we have listener volunteers available round the clock if you are comfortable with one to one text chat. However, in long term- I'd suggest you work with your therapist towards getting to a place where you are empowered to handle these situations where you now feel you need immediate assistance. It is important you get adequte support, but also important that you don't develop dependancy. Hope this gives some perspective. Coming to your therapy sessions, like you said not having expectations set right may be also contributing to you feeling hopeless in some sessions.From the little you shared, seems like emotional awareness and management of emotions may be an area to focus on. That would include developing coping tools, self care activities etc as well. When you have a lot to vent out, yes it's important you let it all out and I'm glad you feel safe to do that with your therapist. When you feel you can't talk your mind, try writing your thoughts or just give it some time. Take good care of yourself!!
@SarahGeorgeDCS
Thank you. I think it's easier to articulate oneself when you're sending messages. You have more time to think about what to say and you can go back to edit something to ensure that what you're saying really represents what you want to share with someone else. I think one of the reasons I struggle in the sessions is because, like I mentioned, I have been so emotional and I want to work on that with the counselor. That being said, most sessions start with him simply asking how I have been since the last session and I start crying before I actually answer the question. And then the crying interfers with my ability to vocalize too much else afterwards. Here I can continue typing despite the emotions. Just because I dont feel capable of speaking doesn't mean the thoughts in my head are slowing down. If anything they speed up as the simple question of "how are you?" so quickly resurfaces EVERY overwhelming thought I have been battling with. There's a difference between what I can say and what needs to be said in the sessions. As I mentioned before, some sessions are better than others but if I can't communicate, those feelings stay with me after the session has ended and I know I need to carry them until the next one.
I have utilized the free listeners on 7 cups. Many times I need to connect with a few because the connection I feel isn't the best. I also utilize other apps to work on CBT on my own between sessions. On my phone I have 7 cups to speak to live listeners, Wysa to practice different resources with an AI, Rooted to help with anxiety attacks, and a Just In Case app (which luckily I have never had to use). I am trying to limit my dependency on any one resource and I like learning the broad range of tools that the multiple apps provide me depending on the situation or need. But it is frustrating how often a day the emotions have been too overwhelming for me to continue with my day. The amount of breaks I need to regroup with myself and check in with an app or with a live listener is beginning to feel debilitating. I'm not sure if I should be looking into other solutions (medications or another therapist that can see me more often) or if I am meant to ween myself off the support of these apps.
@SecretlyMe Good to see you are evaluating different options. 7cups has online therapy option too if you are looking for professional assistance in your long term self work. Since you mentioned you can articulate better through messages, thought it may be of interest to you. I must clarify its more like detailed messages, say like e-mails back and forth, and not live chats. Check it out if interested. All the best , and take care!!
Why are people so untrustworthy?
@jpart01 I suppose you may have had some really bitter experiences that have made you question trusting other people in general. People may have different reasons to break trust- may be insecurities, may be the two people involved were not on same page, may be it was a genuine mistake- we can't generalize. All I'd like to tell you is that - If you've been hurt, its important you work on yourself so that you can trust again, and develop meaningful relationships with people who values trust as much as you do. Take care!
@jpart01 I've just read a book that I think partly answers your question. (If you're interested, the book is called Tomorrow 3.0, but it's really about something else entirely, and trust is only one thing that it mentions.)
The understanding I got from reading the book is that humans are social, and trust is just one aspect of feeling connected to other people. Some people feel connected, in a way, to everyone else in the world, and those people are generally trustworthy. But some people do not feel connected to anyone at all, and those people are generally untrustworthy.
In between these extremes, most people feel connected to certain other groups of people, and they are trustworthy towards insiders, but they are not so trustworthy towards outsiders.
7 Cups, for example, tries to ensure that listeners and members are trustworthy towards each other by creating a sense of belonging to the community. The sense of belonging is not always strong, so it doesn't always work very well at 7 Cups, but even so that's the general idea.
If you're thinking of particular untrustworthy people, and you'd like to discuss your situation in more detail, feel free to click on my profile picture and message me.
Charlie
You might've already answered this, but as a counselor, are you offended if a client chooses to stop visiting you and instead chooses to visit another counselor? Or are you not very bothered by it?
@galactictroubles Thank you for this question. I would definitely introspect and try to understand if there was something from my side that may have put them off. Aside to that, if they are taking therapy forward in some way or the other- I'm happy about that. For therapy to be effective, the rapport between the two people involved is key. I'd be more bothered if they are discontinuing therapy altogether without giving the process a fair chance. Reaching out is after all a first step they have shown the courage to take and then if they are not able to get going with it , it sometimes feel a little disappointing.
Hi, my names Axel and Im 17 years old. Ive come to realize that I get a lot of social anxiety when talking to children. When I talk to adults or people my age, I feel very comfortable and can carry a conversation pretty well. But when it comes to children, I get very nervous. I start thinking What if they dont like me? What if they cry? Do they think Im stupid? Whats on their mind? Am I not fun? As a result to this, people say Im too much of a pushover with children because I let them do what they want. What do you believe might be the reason behind these feelings and how do I stop these thoughts? How can I become more assertive in situations involving children?
@Axyl698 You are a young adult, I can imagine this struggle in your head while interacting with children. You have shared a couple of questions that go on in your mind - all of which point to some insecure thoughts and feelings. So its probably more to do with self than the children. Also,these thoughts seem a bit exaggerated, right? So, I'd suggest instead of trying to stop these negative thoughts, try analysing and reasoning them out logically. If needed, try some some fact checking and feedback collecting - if you are not convinced yourself. Your self awareness is something you can capitalize on to work on your anxiety.
Hi. I am facing a relationship crisis. I and my bf have been together for more than 3ys and everything was great between us, except the sex. We had great intimacy and communication. We cuddle and kiss a lot whenever we are together and we understand each other perfectly in everything. But we always experience some period of time when we go sexless, especially when we live together. It has pushed our relationship into a crisis several times and we already broke up multiple times (although not for the sex issue every time, I believe it always contributed). We came back together each time because we found it too difficult to separate and it was always happy to be together.
We both find each other physically hot at least. I don't know yet the major cause. Maybe sometimes there was life stress. And he has a fetish which we never tried yet (MMF). He likes to see me being with other men and it turns him on much more when he was sexting to another man discussing me and my picture.
Recently we two have been stuck at home for weeks because of the quarantine of coronavirus in China (since we are located in Shanghai). We became completely sexless these days of living together and it has been driving me mad. I became insecure about the fact that I can only excite him by some time of separation or bringing a second man in the game. I feel unappreciated and unattractive all the time as a woman. I cried the whole night last night and it made him mad too. Today he's asking me when I leave his apartment because he feels choking.
To me what matters the most is not I am not satisfied sexually with him since I am not turned on by other men. What matters is it makes me stressed all the time. I just feel so unattractive and I was not a confident person in the first place. It is destructive to my mental health. But it is still the first time of both of us to find such a compatible person in everything (except sex) in life, and we are already very emotionally attached after more than three years.
Could anyone give me some advice, please? We are just both depressed and choked in the same room because of this conflict and the quarantine.
@easyMoon1111 Thanks for sharing. I cannot give specific therapeutic advice here since its a very specific challenge you have shared. However, I'd say that communication with your partner is key here - since you seem to be feeling really stressed with the lack of intimacy, and now you've also started questioning yourself. It icould help if you both can comfortably discuss these issues in a heart to heart conversation. The quarrantine situation by itself can be overwhelming- sending you lots of prayers and warmth!!
Hi, I have a question and I'm not sure how well you can answer but I just want to get it out there: I'm worried I might have an anxiety disorder, and am at least a very anxious person and it's becoming upsetting. I've done a great deal of research (though I feel I can't go off of that) and as for how I feel personally it just seems that it's getting worse. It's mostly social related, like talking to people or especially having any attention on me, it's really scary. Also, I feel like being so anxious has led me to have "intrusive thoughts" (I did a lot of research on these) and I know it's just me overthinking about small things but I've just been unnecessarily freaking myself out over these things. What upsets me most is that I'm just absolutely terrified at the thought of mentioning this to even my closest friends and family. Also worth mentioning that I can't take myself to therapy (yes or even pay to use online). Basically I just want to know if you (or anyone else) has some advice for me? Maybe not in terms of the whole disorder thing but just in managing anxiety and such? Because I would really appreciate any help right now
Hello!
First of all: THANK YOU!!!
I have broke up with my (ex)boyfriend.
He first had the diagnosis of bipolarism, then, in 2019 several psychotherapists talked about personality disorders. He did not want to test to investigate exactly the type of personality disorder, but, talking with a dear friend and doing research, she came out suffering from the narcissist's personality disorder (undecided with the psychopath's personality disorder, but the difference is minimal and I am not a doctor so I can't know). I lent him some money before we broke up and he is not giving me back them using lies. Now he says he will return them to me by May and I hope so even if I don't believe it. Of course, if he doesn't, I'm going to go talk to his family because of let his parents known that he robbed me. My best friend told me I should let money to him and to don't go to his hometown (we don't live in the same city) because It's not worth it... But I need to tell to his family who he really is. Is it a right choice?
Thanks 🙏
Neko312 =^.^=
@Neko312 I can understand you have found yourself in a tricky situation. Right and wrong is very individualistic, so I want you to know that whether you feel its right or not is what matters. The fact that you are questioning yourself shows that there is some confusion. To get the clarity, you could jot down your options along with the consequences. That will help you get some perspective, and hopefully you can make a decision that's right for you. All the best!
@SarahGeorgeDCS
Thanks for your answer,
I know about it is very difficult to explain the situation.
I am in "no contact" fase. To have a "love story" with a man who has narcissistic personality disorder is a very strange situation. I broke up with him and I have no intention to hear from him again. But I wanna my money back. I lent money to him. He doesn't wanna give me my money back... He lies every time! He promises to give me my money back in May: well, we'll see. A story with a narcissist is destabilizing!
So I decided to join to 7cups...
@Neko312 I can understand you have found yourself in a tricky situation. Right and wrong is very individualistic, so I want you to know that whether you feel its right or not is what matters. The fact that you are questioning yourself shows that there is some confusion. To get the clarity, you could jot down your options along with the consequences. That will help you get some perspective, and hopefully you can make a decision that's right for you. All the best!
Would you happen to have any tips or advice on how to solve problems instead of running away from them in order to avoid causing a lot of problems and hurting people because of it?
@OchakoBakugou98 It may not be that you don't know how to solve problems- we all have problem solving abilities well within us. Running away from problems is essentially denial - and denial is some kind of a coping mechanism you may be resorting to. So you'll need to understand - beneath the surface , what are the actual fears and work on them. Hope you will make that effort to confront whatever's making you avoid conflicts. All the best!
@SarahGeorgeDCS ah, I see. Hmm, So Its actually denial? 
I will keep that in mind. Thank you
@OchakoBakugou98 Yes It could very well be, or it could be just avoidance as a coping strategy . again coming from some fears or insecurities you don't want to confront. In a nutshell, the best way is to get to the bottom of what makes you want to run away from the issue. You'll then have a better idea on how to work on it. Hope that helps.
@SarahGeorgeDCS Mmm, that is true... I believe that's what got me into this mess is trying to avoid it... this does help me 