Finally some success
I've made it to day 5 sober, which might seem like not a lot to some people, but this is my longest streak since the summer- and this time I'm winning of my own volition, not because I'm heavily medicated on mood stabilizers.
How did I do this? 2 things that might help someone out there:
1. Can you remember a better period in your life, before you started drinking? Good. People say that you can't turn back time and you have to build a new future for yourself blah blah blah. No. If there was a version of you in the past who didn't drink to cope with life, cling to it. If drinking wasn't even on the menu for you back then, then if you are embracing that past, drinking isn't an option now. Embody that version of yourself in order to move forward. Drinking is no longer even an option because you don't drink!
2. If you had other bad coping mechanisms before the drinking took over, just let them be options again. I'm giving self harm and anorexia the permission to step back into my life, but I've found so far that these are coping mechanisms that are more effort and less pleasant than drinking, so I'm not actually super inclined to restart these. And most importantly...
3. If you are sad or anxious, just accept that you are a miserable person. Just cry or scream or give in to the impulse to run away. Lay in bed or rock on the floor and let the agony wash over you and never look for the end, because you are a miserable person and that's how it is. Allow yourself to fall into your feelings like you're never going to come back out.
4. If you find yourself wishing to kick your own bucket, you aren't accepting your own misery. That's still an escape. It's only through radical acceptance and sinking deep into the feelings that you can eventually find a way out of the pain and out of your bad coping mechanisms, but the key is you can't want or hope to feel better in the moment.
So, I'll use yesterday as an example: I broke down sobbing over the art room sink after school. I allowed myself to curl up on the floor and rock and cry. I allowed myself to stare off into space for an hour while the tears wouldn't stop. I drove home crying still. I wanted to drink, but I don't drink. I wanted to self harm, but when I got home I just laid in bed and fantasized kicking my own bucket instead until I went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling wretched, but I watched some memes- it was stupid, but I felt better even for half a second. And I feel better than yesterday even typing this now- not happy per se, but good enough. The darkness feels like it might never end, but you might find yourself swimming in a shallower version of it if you give yourself some time.
@determinedSea4370
I am glad you are managing even if it seems impossible.
each day is a new challenge and I hope you find ways to fight it.
each person must find any option to hold on and stay on track.
@toughTiger6481 Thank you for responding, I really appreciate the support.
5 days is amazing! Congrats! I’m really rooting for you. I was in this situation a few years ago and your post reminds me of all the feelings and struggles I went through. I remember thinking that AA wasn’t for me but it was helpful during my worst period. You have such strength and fortitude for getting to 5 days and reaching out. I think you can do this. I know you can do this. Just from the strength that exists inside you that I can see from your posts.
@peachSky7246 Thank you. I relapsed yesterday, but recovery is a bumpy road, right? I think I'll give AA another go.
@determinedSea4370
Yes, recovery is a bumpy road. Success is picking yourself up after a fall and trying again.
Best wishes.
Awesome job. One day at a time. Each day is a milestone and better days are possible. It becomes easier with time. I like Joe & Charlie podcasts on YouTube their funny and souch knowledge. Work the steps. Follow the recipe.
@humble101 Thank you for the suggestion. I just looked them up and am planning on listening on the ride home from work today!
Sorry you feel this way. Negativity is unhealthy and the messages your putting forth is harmful and mean. Practice gratitude and become an optimist just by redirecting your thoughts to healthy thoughts. Care less. Whatever has gotten you to become so negative and with harmful ideation is unhealthy and curling up in a ball on the bathroom floor in art lass is an overly exaggerated response to something. I have been through horrific tramas and life changing events but I manage to use coping mechanisms that are healthy and meaningful to my life. Your genuine nature seems dark and unable to cope with life on its terms in any real way at all. I would like to suggest you don't give advise that's unhealthy for others. That's really your message? Wow.
@humble101 Sorry, I know I'm not a healthy or positive person and I don't want what I say to be harmful. I know I don't react the way I should. I was hoping an approach of radical acceptance and riding the emotional wave would be helpful, but maybe I don't know what would be good because I still can't seem to help myself. I didn't intend to mean and I'm a little confused at how anything I said was mean. You said in your other reply that the podcast was helpful. Do you have any other coping skills you can give as advice that work for you?
I didn’t see anything harmful or mean in what Sea said. I think that comment was really off. Keep going Sea!! A few setbacks are to be expected. Sometimes all it takes is the willingness to do it. Still rooting for you
@peachSky7246 Thank you. I've had a relapse for the past two days, but seeing this comment gives me motivation to throw out the rest of the alcohol and try again.
@determinedSea4370
I like your suggestion to think back to a time before when you didn't drink. An excellent way to remind ourselves that we can, and did, live without drink.
It's hard to read about you being so miserable with the painful feelings. If I could, I would sit there with you, if it would be a comfort to have company. Someone once taught me to believe in "my feelings are valid and I'm going to experience them to the full". This really helped me, because I had been bottling up feelings for decades and this finally gave me permission to let go of them. It was a bit messy, but things are improving. Your feelings are valid. And you have found a way to express your feelings that harms no one else. Maybe on some days we can scream together?
The positivity will come. When the time is right.
I hope your pain receeds soon. And I wish I could help you more.
Sending you love and best wishes.
@Clio9876 Thank you, your comment was really kind and it made me feel a bit better this morning.
@determinedSea4370
First of all, congratulations on day five. That is huge. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks—that is your victory, and it matters. The fact that this is your longest streak since summer, and that you’re doing it with your own strength, not just with medication, is proof of something important: you are stronger than you think you are.
I hear so much raw truth in what you wrote. The fight, the pain, the deep understanding of what it means to sit with suffering instead of numbing it away. What you’re doing—staring down the darkness without running—is something so many people never manage to do. It’s excruciating, but it’s also powerful. Because even when it feels like you’re drowning, even when you’re curled up on the floor, even when you feel like you’ll never surface again—you are still here. And that means something.
I love what you said about embodying the past version of yourself that didn’t drink. That’s such a powerful way to reclaim who you already are, instead of thinking you have to create someone entirely new. You are not lost; you are returning to yourself. That’s an incredible mindset shift, and it shows how much you do have control, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
And as for sitting in the pain—allowing it, embracing it, not looking for an escape—that takes so much courage. I won’t pretend that it’s easy or romanticize the suffering, but I will say that what you’re doing is real healing. Not the kind that’s neat or pretty, but the kind that actually changes you. Because every time you let yourself break down without reaching for the bottle, every time you face the feelings instead of numbing them, you’re proving to yourself that you can survive them. And that’s how the darkness starts to lose its power over you.
You said something really profound: “The darkness feels like it might never end, but you might find yourself swimming in a shallower version of it if you give yourself some time.” That’s it. That’s the truth of it. The pain doesn’t magically disappear, but it does shift. It does lighten, even if just a little. And sometimes, just that little bit is enough to keep going.
I hope you hold onto that. I hope you remember that you are moving forward, even on the days it doesn’t feel like it. And I hope you keep writing, because your words are honest and real, and they matter.
I’m proud of you. Keep going.
Much love,
Kayla 💕🫶🏻
@KaylaBella Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and heartfelt reply! I had a relapse, so I'm on day 2 right now after a sober streak of over a week, but your kind words are giving me confidence in myself even when I feel pretty foolish right now lol. Thank you.