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determinedSea4370
4 624 M Embraced 5
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts91 Forum posts85 Forum upvotes74 Current upvotes74 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2024 Member sinceDecember 7, 2024
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I will probably abandon this
Journals & Diaries / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 6 hours ago
...See more I hate myself and I hate this website, but I'm trapped in my room so I might as well ramble. I'm not a good person. I invaded a therapy group on a *** virtual reality back in middle school and scoffed at all them, like 'What is this, a Dr. Oz session?' and they rightfully kicked me out, because I was a brat, but even at 28, I am still a brat. I look around at the website and all the nonsense and needy hands and who gets attention and who is foresaken and I'm just like- yup, I'm still in *** and no amount of pseudo-therapy is going to save me. Or anyone else, for that matter. I asked what my friend wants in therapy and she said she wants validation, that's it and I'm like wow, ok, so that's why you're still scared of driving and still can't graduate college and still can't talk about anything more intense than the latest YouTube drama. I just fall back on drinking, like now. My family is screaming like monkeys at the TV screen, at some football game. It could be funny, but it's not. I'm really *** tired. I woke up thinking that today would be different and I believed it for a little bit, but then I kept needing to come back to check for updates on this website. Nothing truly meaningful got done today. For all my busywork, my world is still hollow. I have no real interests. My friends are gone. My family just feels like a bunch of aliens- we don't speak the same language. My parents found a *** bathtub of self-harm evidence and my mom didn't talk to me for days and my dad sat down and checked in with me, but after that night, no one has checked in with me. Since I cleaned the bathtub, all my issues have been out of sight, out of mind- isn't that so convenient? All us humans have all these feelings, yet literally no one can deal with them in good ways. We're all a mess to some degree or another, yet there are so many people out there who like to still point fingers and judge people for being 'crazy'. This world is crazy. My friend was talking about what she was going to eat today and I was thinking about how I feel like I'm in ***. I hate evenings. I hate where I've ended up in life. I can spew all kinds of 'advice' on this website, but everything just ends up empty. Boo hoo. Maybe my friend is right and my problem is I am just spoiled. And selfish. I guess I don't know what true hardship is and I've never had to share or play nice with others- they dropped me off at college and I was so lonely I developed an eating disorder that nearly killed me. Then I developed self-harm. Then alcohol abuse. I was walking through a city of people crying and no one helped me. I was sobbing in the college bathroom and no one helped me. I was screaming in the apartment and no one helped me. And when I try to finally get on medication for all my issues years later, the psychiatrist gives me the wrong label while ignoring my protests and puts me on all the wrong medications for months on end that nearly made me not alive myself and then she dropped me because I was 'a bad patient'. I don't like people. I need people, but I don't like people. I want to make art or something, but I can only think these thoughts and it clouds my motivation. My friend just texted me that she wants me to binge an anime so we can talk about it tomorrow. I'm suppressing the urge to tell her to *** off. Oh, ha, look at me- I'm whining about being lonely, but here is a friend to the rescue! And yet, it doesn't matter. I'm here, struggling like this, and all she's talked about today and earlier this week is her school, her food, her love for this anime. Her, her, her. I'm so done with these people. This friend talking about herself and then my other friend making her drive her around so that she can go shopping for people I don't even know. I guess I'm just a puppet here to fulfill other people's desires. And you could say 'No! Your desires matter! What do you want?' and no. I am so *** depressed that I don't have any- so that means other people can just walk all over me. Say that you love me and then abuse me for your own purposes why don't you? No one is helping me, but that's not even it. Obviously, it's ultimately my own fault. I'm not helping myself. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. This life is a joke.
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Using this website is a form of self-sabotage
Depression Support / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 4 hours ago
...See more I had a breakdown on Tuesday that led to me posting obsessively on this site- because instead of moving on and doing what I needed to do in my life, of course I found a way to further sabotage myself. I deluded myself into thinking this was a productive use of my time. I felt a momentary thrill with each response and each heart and I got addicted to the feeling and I've been using 7cups more and more since Tuesday and now it's Saturday and I spent all morning and parts of my afternoon and now I'm back again on this website because I was craving the attention and the idea that other people needed me and I needed the validation and that sense of purpose and now...my family is screaming at the TV screen at some football game and it's jarring my nerves. I'm drinking again. I had a to do list and the things that are most meaningful to me- they didn't get done. I've been sitting in this chair most of the day. I wake up each day thinking that today will be different but then it never is. I want to shove a knife through my eye and be done with all this. This isn't therapy, this is just social media dressed in corporate positive affirmations and ***. Everyone here is pathetic.
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Aversion to noise
Relationship Stress / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 7 hours ago
...See more Does anyone else deal with this? I live in a house with thin walls and whenever anyone talks on the phone or turns on the TV, I lose my mind a little bit. I feel like the sounds trespass into my space and I feel violated- I either start having a mild anxiety attack or I get depressed and paralyzed. Like the sounds are an attack, like they are pushing me out of the house and taking up all the air until there is no room left for me. This happens to me in my house and sometimes I just fall into a depressive slump because of it and other times I can shut myself into the closet in the far side of the house to escape any chance of a noise attack. This whole noise aversion thing was one of the main reasons I couldn't live in a dorm or apartment- I would get anxiety attacks all the time and I would spoil any chance of socializing because I would make sure I was only there to sleep. If I had to be in the apartment or dorm, I would usually end up drinking myself silly or self-harming and blasting music in my ears until my head hurt. I feel insane because when I tried to explain this to my parents they just accused me of being overly sensitive and my friend told me I was just spoiled. I need to socialize and get out there in the world, but sounds absolutely kill me.
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best friend with completely different interests and values
Friendship Support / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 8 hours ago
...See more Has anyone dealt with a best friend who has totally different interests and values than you? I love her, we support each other big time, but... she's become a sparkly material girl while I've become more of an emo poet (and it's not like we're teens anymore- we're both almost 30) and lately this hasn't been working out. Her current interests= gems, going shopping to look at 'all the things', lingerie, popular YouTubers. Her support style= validation and distraction. If something goes wrong, her default is to get angry. My current interests= art, philosophy, psychology. My support style= deep dive analysis and planning. If something goes wrong, my default is to get sad.  We balance each other out in a way, but lately things have been unbalanced and it leaves me feeling awful. Almost every hangout is me driving her to go shopping and she looks at gems and lingerie and then she shows me a whole list of YouTube shorts and I just feel so neglected (?) because whenever I try to bring up deeper issues about existing or the world, she just says she doesn't understand. I joke about wanting to dramatically smoke in the rain or cry on a swing set and she thinks I'm so quirky, but I just end up feeling like a fool. It always has to be a shopping center with her. I know she would never want to share a nature walk with me or visit a museum, so I'm at a loss about how to serve myself and her needs at the same time. I mean, I try: We both enjoy Marina and the Diamonds, so I tried to analyze this singer's new poetry book with her, because I thought she would be somewhat interested- but, it was so obvious that she didn't give a ***. I'm trying to blend our interests and find ways so that both of us feel satisfied, but it's too hard so I keep defaulting to only serving her needs and it is killing me. 
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The Meaning of God
Poetry / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 15 hours ago
...See more You asked me about religion like we had a choice like god wasn't a virus thundering down the waterfalls of electrified monkeys screaming in awe. *I was inspired to write this poem after reading a post on the Depression Support community that talked about meaninglessness and how humans creating god. I'm an atheist myself, but the origin of religion has always fascinated me so I did some research on the evolutionary necessity of the development of religion. It's so interesting! I need to read more about it. 
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Hot take: 'Put your needs first' and 'listen to your heart' shouldn't be the gold standard
Depression Support / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 2 days ago
...See more I was chatting with the bot and after getting nowhere in a conversation about rebuilding relationships, persuing my interests, and rebuilding my sense of self I just got fed up with focusing on myself. It was going nowhere- and I realized I almost always get nowhere when I concentrate on my own needs and 'listen to my heart'. I just end up failing and feeling more isolated than before. I told the chat I needed to think more about the needs of others and help them and I got spammed with 'you need to put your own needs first'. Part of the problem is everything is too individualistic these days- like I want to be a part of something, I want to create things WITH people, I want to play WITH people. I want to a part of 'you do a favor for me, I do I favor for you'. And sometimes NO my feelings are NOT *** valid.
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My friends aren't enough
Friendship Support / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 2 days ago
...See more I only have 2 friends. I feel insane because instead of doing work, I have been obsessively posting about this since I woke up with morning, but here we go again- they used to be what kept my head above the water, but now I feel like I'm drowning and both of them have abandoned me in the worst ways possible. They used to help keep my passion for art and writing alive by writing and creating art too and talking about these interests with me and we would create stuff together and it felt special and I loved bonding with them. All throughout grade school and into college- I survived because they helped keep my passions alive. Even when I moved several times, even when we were in different states- I still felt loved and properly supported. They supported me through college depression, eating disorder recovery, struggling with self-harm and alcohol abuse and then- I realized they no longer bonded with me through art and writing. It was like they gave no *** about the only two things that actually made life for me worth living. It was like I finally came out of this horrible traumatic time and instead of finding light on the other side if the tunnel, I find nothing at all. Without their support for my interests, I have no interests. Nothing seems to matter anymore. I've tried connecting with local artists and writers but it's like I just hate people now and I can't connect. I can't make my two friends do things that they don't want to do, but now I feel so lost and lonely. I feel like I've finally lost myself and I don't know how to improve my friendships so I don't feel dread when I hang out with them. Everything just feels so broken.
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Labels and defining your worth
Self-Esteem / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 1 day ago
...See more I like to use the terms 'writer' and 'artist' to define me, but I feel distant from them now. I used to feel supported in my creative endevours and this helped boost my sense of self and my worth: my friends did art and writing with me, we talked about our art and writing and shared characters and designed universes, my friends would read my stories, I did art and writing in school to the encouragement of teachers, I won art awards in school, I posted to DeviantArt and I was feeling confident and motivated. Since DeviantArt has gone downhill I have stopped posting there, my friends no longer read my stories, my friends no longer care about writing and art or our characters or universes, I am no longer in school, no one gives a *** about what I create or if I create anything at all. I write and draw for no one. I've lost interest in the things I used to be so passionate about because if no one gives a *** about them and no one gives a *** about me, then why bother? Without 'writer' and 'artist' I feel like I have no worth. I feel like a ghost I feel lost I feel abandoned and betrayed. I've tried going to meetups for local artists for months but I can't connect. I feel no passion or meaning in my work. This world feels cruel and miserable and meaningless and I don't know how to build myself back up again when the future for me just seems horribly bleak.
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