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determinedSea4370
49 2,876 M Hopeful Heart 6
Marinating in my brain at the moment
PathStep 50 Compassion hearts632 Forum posts439 Forum upvotes589 Current upvotes589 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2025 Member sinceDecember 7, 2024
Bio

My ideal future: I wake up early feeling well-rested and I put my creative writing first before any professional work for the day. I feel adequate as a teacher and I know how to leave work at work at the end of the day. To unwind at the end of the day, I exercise. I respect my body. I'm living with people who understand me and I'm doing alright living outside my family's house. I can sleep at night. In my free-time, I prioritize engaging with physical media and creating things that matter to me. I'm consistent with reaching out to my family and friends. I'm a person who lives in the sunlight. I can find small joy in everyday sensual things. If I have an idea for an adventure, I go make it happen. I have hope for the future. 


Recent forum posts
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Classic topic- Unsupportive parents
Depression Support / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 2 days ago
...See more I'm sure some of you have experienced this. My parents are not exactly supportive, but I can't seem to stop myself from blabbing to them and that just makes things worse. It's a horrible cycle. Like: I had multiple mental breakdowns yesterday. I wanted to k*ll myself yesterday. I was ready to do some hospital-worthy self harm yesterday. I couldn't get my necessary lesson planning done (obviously), so I called out sick today because I have nothing to teach. I felt enormously guilty for lying about being sick and for not pulling myself together yesterday, so instead of enjoying my day off, I punished myself by laying in bed. Mom peeks in around noon to finally check on me and I'm smart enough to only tell her I'm taking a mental health day, but then she just says "I'm sorry you have to take a mental health day." and then she hurries off to walk her dog. Like I shouldn't have taken the day off? I want people to care about me, but there was something so surface-level about her sympathy that it made me feel worse in the aftermath. Like she'd judged me to be too much and then tossed me aside because she didn't actually want to deal with me. Like SHE KNOWS. I called her crying hysterically throughout college, I've admitted that I wanted to k*ll myself multiple times in the past decade to her, she's driven me to inpatient treatment centers and psych wards and therapy. She's sat in on my therapy. She's picked up my meds for me. She knows I still self harm.  And yet when I finally find the strength of will to get out of bed, have breakfast, and properly clean up the kitchen for her, she takes it for granted. I make the mistake of telling her that I will probably take tomorrow off too, because I lack the time and motivation to create three lesson plans from scratch. She just looked at me and said "Oh, wow." and then just left the house to carry on with her day. I'm writing this now to try to get it off my chest and not just give up in bed or self harm.  I almost wish that instead of miming that she is ready to care about me, she would just ignore me like my dad. My dad knows everything I have been through. He was even the one who discovered that I'm still self harming recently. He addressed the self harm in a little business-like talk over an uncomfortable family dinner and now he's back to pretending that nothing is wrong with me. He laughs with my mom about their upcoming couple retreat to Italy. He never bothers to check in.  I have one brother that is taking all their money and lying about taking college classes while he indulges in travelling. I have another brother that is getting DUIs and crashing his car multiple times. I have another brother that has depression and anxiety to such a level that he can't live on his own and he couldn't finish college and he can't get a job and he wanders around the house at night muttering loudly to himself.  So then there's me: I have a Master's degree. I don't do drugs and I don't crash my car. I have a job that I am diligent about. I look functional enough. There's already enough people in my family having problems- I'm not allowed to have problems anymore. I feel like my parents at this point have just shelved me. Like I've had my time taking their sympathy and attention, but now that time is up. Everything is too much for them to deal with, so I'll get judged and then tossed aside.  And I keep thinking how sad it is that the only time I felt like I got the parental figure care that I truly needed in recent memory was from strangers in mental health hospitals: twice I was hugged by maternal-looking fellow patients and twice it felt like I was going to lose my mind because I actually felt completely loved and accepted and not judged at all.  C'est la vie. I have to get ready for a psychiatrist appointment now. I don't know if writing any of this helped me or if it would help anyone else, but at least it's a better use of my time than giving up in bed or self harming, so yay I guess. 
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Kids make me sad
Depression Support / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 2 days ago
...See more I've probably already posted about this, but working with kids and middle schoolers sends me into a bit of a spiral. I picture them and I'm like "Oh, no. The world isn't kind. This might be the last time you are simply happy, kid, before your life shatters and you'll never get that happiness back and you have no idea what you have right now until you grow up and it is ruined. You're on a brink of a black hole and you don't even know it. And there's nothing I can do to save you. There's nothing I can do to stop you from realizing that your adult idols aren't gods and they can't always protect you, from discovering sex and feeling quietly ashamed, from realizing how screwed up society is, from wrestling with existence. Some of you will die by your own hand, become addicted to something, spiral into mental disorders, get into abusive relationships- and there's nothing anyone can do to protect you. This world is insane. I couldn't save myself and none of you can save yourselves from the suffering you don't know is coming either and it seems like life is just a relentless slide into a black hole that you can't stop and you can't save anyone else from. And I'm so sorry for you and myself and all of humanity." Is this the depression talking? Yeah. I tried to explain these feelings to my friend and she laughed at me and said those were the same thoughts she had as a dumb depressed 8th grader, so I guess my angst is laughable and immature. But, it doesn't help that I'm face to face with these kids every week and I'm just reminded of these thoughts over and over again and it's debilitating- this feeling of doom and futility, like life is this absurd tragedy. Does anyone else relate to this?
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The mall
Poetry / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 7 hours ago
...See more We make a carnival  Out of plastic bits And blast music As apocalpyse roils beneath our feet And I'm cradled in a earthquake Of this mortal desperation And I don't seek truth in sunflowers But, rather the liminal space of parking lots While everyone's wheels are turning and turning Like life isn't just a distraction God gently blindfolding the lambs While He roasts us over the fire I don't want to play this charade anymore. 
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"I don't worry about you anymore"
Poetry / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 Monday
...See more It's a selfish thing To wish that concern would never expire. To desire to stab and drag  The sympathy out from the other To hold in my empty arms. But, I crave your perpetual agony If that's what it takes for you to love me- For you to hold me in my depths. Yet, I am expired. You've weathered your period of nightmares And now I am nothing more than a trophy Of a job well-done. A past tense.  If high bridges no longer beckon, You'd settle for my blood in the bathtub For tears watering the floor For stars like stab wounds on sleepless nights For my devouring bed For my hoarse throat and violence-dotted skin.  You'd settle for me screaming As long as it means there'll be no funeral.  "I don't worry about you anymore," you say As I come to you bleeding And you smile as if being alive is enough. What else do I have to do? What else do I have to do?
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Hope bulldozed by the familiar
Poetry / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 Monday
...See more There’s an evil here Lingering in the mundane Beige of four walls All soaked up with memories Like a cake  Icing in my brain Weighing me down In a staged comedy Where no one is laughing Except for when I am on my knees- The clown searching for a trap door. 
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Atypical depression (does anyone relate?)
Depression Support / by determinedSea4370
Last post
 Monday
...See more I was trying to explain to my non-depressed friend that depression isn't just 'it's hard to get out of bed and I'm tired and empty and weighed down'. I tried looking up symptoms online, but what I'm experiencing just isn't quite what is described, so I feel alien and misunderstood. Does anyone relate to the following?: -There's a part of me that is screaming at me to completely stop but another part of me is burning and dragging my body forward relentlessly, so I always feel there's a violence happening in me and I don't know who to root for at this point. -There's a part of me that dismisses my pain and pushes me to keep going and another part that is willing to literally flay me alive if that is what it takes to get me to stop. So, because of this, my depression isn't just about laying in bed or crying- it's breaking objects, screaming, and self-destructing.  I keep reading descriptions of depression that make it seem so lethargic and passive, but it's like my version of depression is just violence all the time. Is this relatable at all?
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