It's Not Your Fault
It’s not your fault.
What has happened to you is not your fault.
The challenges and hardships you’ve endured at the hands of someone else are not a reflection of your character. The harm that’s been done is not a testament to your worth.
I can say this because I’ve been there, too.
I wrestled with self-loathing for years. I was raised in a toxic abusive environment by parents who were not equipped for the job. They fought relentlessly with the use of emotional warfare with no regard for what I heard and what they subjected me to. I was helpless to do anything to stop the hostility. It was over my head. They used threats I could not hope to understand until I was an adult.
Only after gaining distance from them both could I look back on that part of my life and piece together the puzzle I hadn't been able to see when I was stuck in the middle of it. Unfortunately, once I put it together and viewed the full picture, I started blaming myself for all the things that I believed that maybe, just maybe, I could have prevented, if I just said this, or did that.
What if I had just been more assertive? What if I had just said no?
What if, what if, what ifs ruled my thoughts, clouding my judgment, and instead of being the closest friend I needed to be, to the inner child relying on me, I was making an enemy out of myself.
I did quite a bit of soul-searching, but the reality is it took people around me—external voices—who heard my story to give me perspective and show me that I was hurting myself.
You were a child. How were you supposed to know?
It hit home. I was a child. Accepting that was hard but in doing so, I took the first step to forgive myself for the pain I put myself through.
The sky opened, and a shower of catharsis washed over me. For the first time, I felt this wonderful freeing thing called validation.
Feeling validated roused this sense of empowerment and ignited a newfound curiosity to find out if I was not as alone as I led myself to believe through my pain-driven isolation. I sought out to hear other stories. I listened to countless cases of similar suffering and as heartbreaking as it was to hear them, it was deeply soothing to realize that I am not alone. Not at all. I just needed to open up and talk.
By recognizing that I was a survivor, I could release the unnecessary burden of guilt, shame, and self-hatred.
I can’t begin to know what you’re going through, but what I do know is that you are not responsible for the actions others have taken.
For whoever needs to hear this: you did only what you knew how to do. You did the best you could with what you had.
Sometimes, bad things happen to good people, and there’s nothing you could have done to avoid it. It's okay to acknowledge that and to give yourself grace.
You can’t change your past, but as they say, “hindsight is 20/20.” You are accountable for one person: you. Let go of what you think you could have done, and focus on what you can do now, and you’ll find glimmers of hope where there weren’t before.
You may even find some of those glimmers right here in our community.
It’s not your fault. Don’t be afraid to break the cycle and cut yourself loose because you will not fall. We will be waiting here to catch you. It’s one of the bravest most empowering things you could ever do.
-
To those who are struggling, I hope reading this brings you comfort, and return to this post whenever you need a reminder to practice self-compassion. 💙
@Heather225 Thank you so much for sharing all of this with us. This was lovely to read and this was very helpful as well. 🙂🤗
@Heather225 I did not know that your parents were abusive. I am sorry to hear that.
@Heather22
it a very emotive post, thought provoking. Thank you, although that could be interpreted as thanking your own suffering and lessons learned, it’s not.
nobody deserves unjust suffering, yet I await proof of karma with a n arsenal or contending information, so where does that leave?
yes (may be a big awakening, was for me) but we are only responsible for our actions. What point do we start to hold accountability when we give grace to doing the best we can that may have had less than favourable outcomes?
You do your best, responsibility for your own actions , but what if such outcomes have already had negative outcomes? The opportunity to learn was lived and experienced. Are all actions responsible but only as if those actions are their very first even when concretely known not to be?
I’m overthinking this
❤️
@LabeledBPD It is hard to give ourselves grace especially if we trip and fall and stumble upon opportunity to correct ourselves.
It's really hard when we're grappling with emotions that overtake us, without an ability to process or cope internally. What a curse it is. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling friend. 💙
@LabeledBPD the questions we all have but will never know 🙁 yeah I understand, hugs you tightly ❤
@Heather225
Thank you for sharing your story and this very comforting post 💙
Thank you for this.
I struggle with the "stuff that others did isn't your fault" part, but also the things I can't get done and the negative consequences of that, due to disability from mental health, because of the things I've been through/ continue to go through. It's harder to let that stuff go, especially if others blame instead of helping in a way which actually makes it easier, rather than adding more stress, more expectations I'm unable to meet, more shame. It's hard not to internalize blame for being unable to keep up with the demands of almost anything.
Thank you, I really needed to hear this. A lot of bad things have happened in my life, and they are not all my fault even I do think it is. For instance, I was fired almost three years ago but it wasn't my fault the workplace environment was toxic. More recently, my parents are going to be divorcing and that is not my fault even though I think it is. It isn't even my fault I had to quit my last job, it was a hard decision but ended up leaving due to personal decisions. I tend to overthink a lot because I am so worried about messing up. I even think I am a failure.
@Heather225 My therapist is a bird named Trip, I've told him my trauma and he parrots it back to me in reflection. A real sounding board that one. 😹💯
Imagine being constantly reminded of your past because your keet keeps bringing up your trauma in a parrot voice. 😹 *squawk* "emotional neglect!" "gaslighting!"
@competentTruth3079
oh nooo, parrots do indeed pick up from us, for better or worse 😅
you have a birdy?
@Heather225 In Germany when couples get married they stay together for better or for bratwurst. 😹 Read that off a popsicle stick.
I had a cockatiel named George, and he'd look in his bird mirror and say "George is a pretty bird." Over and over 😹 Which seemed conceited so my Dad started saying "George is just a bird." So he dropped the "pretty". "George is just a bird..." 😹 Birds are great. Messy though, bird dust, I don't miss it.
@Heather225
Hi H! 😊 ❤️
Thank you so very much for your incredibly powerful forum post and for being so incredibly vulnerable, here with all of us. There is strength in vulnerability. I commend you my sweet friend! ❤️
Everything that you said highly resonates with me. I am part of your "tribe". So much so, that I have read this a few times over.
Cried a little bit each time for you, with you and for the little child that is within you. So much so that it's taken me so long to respond. So much so that I still don't know what to say. So much so that the little voice inside of me is telling me "the more you don't know what to say, maybe the more you should say it"?
H, it wasn't your fault! ❤️ None of it! You got a "raw deal". You were born to people that were clearly ill equipped to raise children, had no business doing so and had limitations of their own, to the degree that they didn't know how to love and care for others.
I'm so glad that you have moved away from them geographically. That sure is helpful. It's so much harder to process the feelings and emotions while still being in the environment. It's so much harder to heal with abusers having access to you.
Sharing with us how you are healing gives hope to us all! Yes, it's a process. Some things simply won't ever go away and I get that (with acceptance comes peace). The things people do to us change us as human beings. It changes our brains, it changes our nervous systems, it changes outcomes and what could have been if we had been treated better. The onus truly is on them! It's not your fault! ❤️
It's beautiful to witness your gratitude moment. You found others that provided glimmers of hope and you were strong, you sought them out. When we have cracks in the foundation, sometimes that's where the light is able to shine in and to finally reach us.
Turning pain into purpose and wounds into wisdom! *high fives* 😊 I applaud you my friend! Thank you for being such a great example to us all of what it means to be a "wounded healer". Some of us walk through the fire and somehow come out okay on the other side, just to bring buckets of water to all of the rest!
I'm so glad you didn't miss that bus H! In my heart, I know you are here with us, exactly where it is that you were supposed to be, all along! This was no accident! You are helping to heal others while continually healing yourself. You are leaving your mark on souls and hearts and on minds. I wonder how that must feel for you to sit and embrace that? That none of it was in vain? That it equipped you to have your "finger on the pulse" and in all of the ways that you are able to around here?
For all of us, we still have a little child that lives within. As adults, it can be good for us to pick up where others left off. Not sure if that makes any sense.
For me, I had a moment that just kind of happened. No one told me to do it, I had never read it anywhere that it could be therapeutic. I had a picture of me as a little child, maybe around 4 years old that was in a top dresser drawer. It was there, broken glass, old busted up frame that had been there for years. It was underneath other things, long ignored.
Not sure why. I guess one day, I had enough. I pulled out that picture of that little child and I cried for her. As an adult, I cried for that little girl. I looked at her and thought "how could you people do these things to an innocent child"? I cried for her and for the little child that lives with in me.
I told her that I was sorry these things happened. That it was wrong. I told her "it's not your fault". I said these things and wrote these things in a letter to her all at the same time. I told her that I was sorry I wasn't around to protect her then but that I'm here now. Now I'm the adult and that I have a choice to protect that inner child.
I wrote and I cried. I got up, I was done. I had no where to send that letter. I ripped it into pieces and threw it in the trash. Done! It was an incredibly healing moment for me and with the commitment for me to be kind to myself also.
H, it wasn't your fault, wasn't mine and it wasn't any one elses around here. It's okay to make peace with your inner child and to be kind to ones self.
*high fives* 😊 and big big *hugs* ❤️ to any of us that really could use one today!
Thank you again H for showing so much courage! It's not always so very easy to do. ❤️
@SparkyGizmo ❤❤❤
@SparkyGizmo
you always know what to say. another screenshotted message for a rainy day from you 🥰 thank you for reading my story
@Heather225
❤️❤️❤️
@Heather225 thanks for making me cry🙂 you are definitely, actually you've always been one of the people here who inspire me and others so much ❤ but I'm still stuck in the what ifs? And self blame. I don't think I can ever change that. But one day I hope I can be like you🙂
@Tinywhisper11 Some do wrestle in their mind like WWE. Your wrestling name would be Mighty Whisper. 😹💯💫. Pet a Guinea pig gently for me. 💙
@competentTruth3079 the guinea pigs and mayo all said they love you ❤❤ 🤔🤔 I could be a wrestler, those moves may come in handy 😈😁