Distortion 6. Fallacy of Change
Hi everyone! I hope you are doing well. It's time for our 6th post in the cognitive distortion series. Today we will talk about the fallacy of change. I find this definition by PsychCentral to best describe this distortion, ‘The fallacy of change has you expecting other people will change their ways to suit your expectations or needs, particularly when you pressure them enough.’
I think part of it is that we often believe our way of the world to be objective or for the lack of a better word, ‘superior’. The way we wish to do things to us appear the best way there is. So when someone or something does not follow our established patterns, we want them or it to change. However, these unrealistic and sometimes unreasonable expectations lead to resentment and general negative feelings. You feel wronged/let down when people/things don’t change.
The other big problem with this way of thinking is that we wait for things to happen to be happy/be at peace. If your parent does not change, you fail to see anything you can do to improve your life quality. It's very easy to feel like you have no power in life and you are a victim of circumstance.
The reality is whether we are right or wrong, things/people rarely change just because we want them to. This quote sums it up quite nicely ‘Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have trying to change others.’ - Arnold Glasow.
So in many ways, we need to be aware of this fault in our thinking so we can reduce some of the added misery/negativity in our lives that come from our need for others to change.
Examples:
- You have made a friend who has always liked partaking in sports as a social activity. He loves to play tennis with his friends so much so that he only meets his friends when he is playing a sport. You met him when you tried the game, and became friends but you could not appreciate the game. Now you are showing up to play games to hang out with your friend but deep down you are waiting for this person to change their desired hang-out spots to suit your needs.
- You took a course that is heavy on memorization. You struggle with memorization and fail to see its value. You believe the course should be changed to better suit the learning goals of today. The professor refuses your request and that has you upset.
- You joined a company where existing people deal with office politics. You don’t want to play the game and you are hoping they will change their ways to create a better workspace.
You can typically identify this pattern as it often starts with ‘If Only…’
If you noticed the demands/expectations of these examples are not that unreasonable but still the chances of the situation changing are low. When you know your new friend drives joy from his sporty meetings, there is little chance he will change what works for him. The course you took, you knew what it was, so why would a whole class change to suit you even when you are right? The company you joined is set in its ways, even if yours is superior, other than heartbreak not much will come out of your desire to change the workplace.
Even worse, when you refuse to see things for what it is. You end up at risk for some negative outcomes. You may lose a friend if you wish for him to change, and you may fail a course if you don’t manage your expectations.
As always let’s challenge our negative thoughts and break these patterns that hold us back
To practice shifting our perspective and helping us not feed unrealistic expectations:
- Let's reflect on a time when we expected something/someone to change. How did that end up working out?
- What would you have done differently if you knew about this fallacy?
Further Resources
@Hope
- Let's reflect on a time when we expected something/someone to change. How did that end up working out? A time when I was expected someone to change actually made me feel more anxious. I used to think that I cannot do anything when I am paired with other people.
- What would you have done differently if you knew about this fallacy? I now realized it is all in our heads. We make up stories. I would have done it differently by talking to myself more psoitively. I could have thought this way: " It's going to be a good learning opportunity for me to learn from others. It's going to benefit me in some way. I might even learn something from that person."
@Hope
Let's reflect on a time when we expected something/someone to change. How did that end up working out?
I remember a time when I really wanted a close friend to be more supportive. After going through a tough patch, I thought that if I just opened up to them, they’d understand and change their behavior. I pictured us having this heartfelt conversation and then everything would magically get better. But it didn’t work out that way. They didn’t really change and I ended up feeling disappointed and hurt. Eventually, I realized I had placed a lot of expectations on them without considering that they had their own stuff going on.
What would you have done differently if you knew about this fallacy?
Looking back, if I had known that expecting someone to change just because I wanted them to wasn’t realistic, I would have approached it differently. Instead of relying on them to meet my needs, I could have focused on how I could express myself more clearly or even look for support elsewhere. It would have saved us both some stress and kept our friendship in a healthier place.
@Phoenixthepoised
Thank you for sharing this experience so thoughtfully. The fallacy of change often leads us to focus on what we hope others will do, rather than finding ways to meet our needs in healthier, more self-reliant ways
Your approach of expressing yourself clearly and seeking support from other sources is so empowering. It shifts the focus from what you can't control (someone else's behavior) to what you can (your own choices and actions).
@Hope
Let's reflect on a time when we expected something/someone to change. How did that end up working out?
It resulted in more pain than was necessary. I was so fixated on the relationship "should have been" instead of accepting how it was currently.
What would you have done differently if you knew about this fallacy?
I would have had a better relationship with others due to the healthier approach of seeing them as they are and not their potential.
@Hope
Let's reflect on a time when we expected something/someone to change. How did that end up working out?
It ended up not happening, as expected. Especially since it was something that was pretty much impossible to change simply to suit my needs.
What would you have done differently if you knew about this fallacy?
I would end the friendship with that person or simply distance myself since we didn’t actually have anything in common.
Let's reflect on a time when we expected something/someone to change. How did that end up working out?
I don't want to get personal here but think relationships. Often times, in relationships it's so easy to see the flaws in our partner. We put blame on them and think if they would change then things would be better. But having that mindset does not work and it's flawed to think that. No one is responsible for our happiness; and expecting people to change for us is a way of us avoiding our own responsibility to change and improve ourselves.
What would you have done differently if you knew about this fallacy?
I never knew there was a name for this thing we are all guilty of doing. But now that I know, I know I need to reframe my thoughts and take accountability for me. I wouldn't put so much blame on others. I know if I did this, it would cut down on resentment.
@YourCaringConfidant
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of believing that if others changed, our happiness would follow, but recognizing this fallacy is a big step toward growth. It sounds like you’re making great progress in applying this new perspective. Keep it up!
@ Hope.
I also think there is a fine line between accepting things you don't feel are right/throwing in the white flag and trying to make things better, initiate a positive change.
- Let's reflect on a time when we expected something/someone to change. How did that end up working out?
My ex used to be a player and a drinker and I was under the impression for some time that this is due to him being misunderstood, and if only I gave him the nurturing environment to bw himself, his real vulnerable self will come out and hw won't have the need for re-affirming his worth with women on hiding in the bottle. After a while there was a change, but not the one I expected. I realised that I was drinking way more than I used to, and he was pulling me in, not me pulling him out. So I walked away. Sometimes I feel that I failed him and didn't try hard enough, but in the end, his next relationship went exactly the same way. Perhaps, it was just me rhat wiahed the change had happened, and he didn't want to change a thing.
- What would you have done differently if you knew about this fallacy?
- I would have tried to see from the start if him being as he was, without any alterations, there and then, was what I wanted. If I could not live with that then, it probably meant that this was not for me. Accepting the unwanted present because you are in the process of trying to make people change in the future, or feeling betrayed /let down when the change does not happen is a sure way to feeling worse, not better.
@Healtogether702
Thank you for sharing this personal reflection. Your insight on accepting things as they are, rather than hoping for change, is key to making healthier decisions. That is interesting that you found yourself following his ways. We often forget that not only can we fail at changing someone's habits, we can end up following their ways. Company is a powerful thing!