How to Worry Less and Not Panic : /
I wrote this post on how I see life like a river where each of us is on a kayak and we need to learn how to navigate difficult waters to learn key lessons. Obs said Glen this is great, but what we need is a post on how not to panic when you are starting to go through the rapids! So, as promised, here is a sort of Part 2 to the river post.
Let’s zoom back and look at panic as an extreme form of anxiety. All of us are wired for anxiety because we have ancestors that interpreted the rustle in the bushes as a predator and NOT just wind. The ones that interpreted the leaves moving as wind mostly died off. The ones that ran like crazy survived and we can all trace our lineage back to those more cautious, and anxious (!), people.
We don’t see predator animals these days except behind a fence at the zoo. However, we are still wired the same way. Now, our anxiety response gets triggered with fears around not passing tests, not being liked by friends, difficult relationships, or problems at work.
Anxiety surfaces when we think we are too small for the challenge or that the challenge is too big. Panic happens when we think we are way too small or the challenge is way too big. If you are a worrier, then you know how anxious thinking can snowball. Not passing a test snowballs into thinking that we’ll never graduate. A little tiff or disagreement with a friend can snowball into thinking the person is going to leave you forever.
Another word for this is catastrophizing. Or sometimes it is called making a mountain of a molehill. We talk much more about how to manage anxiety here and specifically what to do with panic attacks here.
I’ll share four things that help me not to panic. The first is to ask myself “What are the odds? On a scale of 1-100%, how likely is this to happen?” Once I get that number I can then ask, “Okay, if I had $1000 in my pocket now, would I bet that $1000 that this would happen?” If the answer is no, then it is likely that I am worrying too much about it. This helps me get out of my own head to see the situation in a more realistic manner. When I start to worry about the same situation again, I can just do the same exercise to help make the fear smaller and more accurate.
A second thing that I do is ask myself, “Glen, what is the worst thing that could happen?” Even if the odds are low - like let’s say less than 10% - I still want to know what is the worst thing that could happen if this very low odds situation happens? Then, I imagine what my life would look like if that happened. I let my mind marinate on that for a minute. Then, I begin to accept that outcome. I can see that even if this horrible thing happens that I’ll end up being okay or the person I love will also be okay. It will be painful and difficult, but I’ll survive and get to the other side.
A third thing I say to myself is, “Glen, what is your hit rate? How often are your worries correct?” I am now 46. I unfortunately spent a good chunk of my life being something of a champion worrier - like black belt level. That means I’ve got a lot of practice on you all and have had plenty of opportunities to learn coping skills :).
Back to the point - how often am I correct? The answer is that my worries are often completely incorrect - like less than 2% of the time they are accurate and that might even be lower. If I had a friend or an expert I was consulting with and they were wrong 98% of the time, then I wouldn’t worry too much about what they were warning me about. The worrying part of ourselves is not a great judge of life and doesn’t carry too much wisdom, so it is often safe to say that they might be making things sound worse than they really are.
Last, as outlined in the river post, I realize that my own take on things or what I want to happen is often limited. I have had things not work out as I imagined plenty of times and the majority of those times they work out better than what I had originally planned. Sometimes "good things" that I want to happen don't end up being good and sometimes "bad things" end up being good! I also know that life is a complicated process and that it is hard for me to fully comprehend all that is going on. What is not so great now can end up being good for someone else or even for me down the road. Things often have to evolve for me to see how the water breaks or life unfolds.
Obs, I hope this helps! And I hope any of you reading this find it helpful too. What have you found that is helpful? Let’s share ideas and support one another so we worry and panic less when life brings the rapids our way.
See you on the river,
Glen
@GlenM
If "worry less" means completely not responding to a letter directed at you, then yay, you! You've succeeded!
@VioletVeritas responding and enjoying the conversation now!
@GlenM
I noted, "Panic happens when we think we are way too small or the challenge is way too big" I believe that when we see the reverse, or that we are equal to the challenge (Big; challenge Big); (Small; challenge small)... the panic disappears.
I relate so much to this statement Glen, (Sometimes "good things" that I want to happen don't end up being good and sometimes "bad things" end up being good!) I have learnt to give my best, take a deep breath and wait for the income before catastrophizing. I'm not successful all the times but the effort I put in those 60% times helps.
Thank you for making that worry post and Obs... I appreciate you asking that question.
I found this post helpful because I am a worrier. I would achieve a goal, for example successfully cooking a dish, but still worry that I will mess up the same dish in the future. I look at it like climbing high on a ladder then falling down. The more people who see how far I'd climbed, the more I worry that they will see me fall.
Having said that, this post teaches me how to stay calm in those situations. Like the success rate for me failing in something that I've successfully done is almost negligent. I should be able to bet the 1000 dollar bill. And if I happen to fail (so I mess up a dish) then what? Those steps are very much applicable, thank you for sharing Glen.
@JoyHappyNess
*Outcome (Not income)
@JoyHappyNess I am so glad to hear that this was helpful! And great way to iterate on the idea - Big me and big challenge = no panic. Nicely said! Yes, learning to trust the process of life is an ongoing skill for me to develop too. Are there any other steps you take that you can recommend to others?
@GlenM
I can kayak but for me what is likely to happen 85% when i speak publicly i will freeze, be unable to speak, and tremble visibly. The effect of the fear is what the fear is about so I am correct that this will happen more often then not.
What happens when you can't do your Job? If you can't do this simple job then you can't be trusted with more inportant rolls because they require public speaking. At best no advancement, at worst looses ability to support my family.
What happens the other 15% of the time: I stammer and tremble visibly. Not a much better result.
@Gettingbettertoday these are great points and questions!
There is an idea called self-efficacy. It basically means we grow in confidence as we master things. Things that we haven't yet mastered cause us anxiety b/c we do not feel up to the challenge. Things that are easy for us do not cause us any anxiety. For example, walking is easy for most of us and doesn't cause us much worry; public speaking, otoh, is anxiety provoking for most of us. That fear is not at all uncommon and is why things like toastmasters exist!
Video games do an excellent job of teaching us self-efficacy. Early levels are easy and then as you master them you move up to levels that are just a little more challenging, but not too challenging. One idea would be to break public speaking down into little chunks or steps or microskills that stack up and can be chained together into the final objective of being a great, calm, centered public speaker. And this is true for most things in life - if we can break them down into steps then we can master them one step at a time.
Have you done this in another area of life before and seen success?
@GlenM
I have heard several time to break thinks into steps but the process of speaking publicly is only a few steps.
1. Review material for talk unless its is an interview then this step can be skipped. These can be areas that I am so familiar with that no review is necessary
2. Speak in front of a crowd or cameras in the case of an interview.
3. Leave.
@Gettingbettertoday Let me give this a shot!
1. Review material for talk unless its is an interview then this step can be skipped. These can be areas that I am so familiar with that no review is necessary
--review material 1x and assess level of anxiety on 1-10
--recite material out loud (practice as if you were speaking publicly) 3x - rate each time on same 1-10 scale
--speak in front of someone you trust 1x and rate anxiety on 1-10
--do it again :)
2. Speak in front of a crowd or cameras in the case of an interview.
-go to place; walk up to podium and do deep breathing same time - rate anxiety 1-10
-recite talk at podium without observers (if can!) - rate anxiety 1-10
-walk up in room to podium for the actual talk - deep breaths - positive self-talk about how you can do this; how the steps you already took decreased your anxiety
3. Leave.
-celebration about how you took another step forward and decreased your anxiety; quick audit of what helped the most and what didn't help; bake in what works into the next situation and see your calm/centered muscles getting stronger and the anxiety decreasing!
@GlenM
I have contacted Toast Masters International to see what they can do for me.
My mind goes blank when i am overwhelmed by anxiety. There is no way I would have the cognition to follow through with the steps once the anxiety takes over.
Thanks for the suggestions.
@Gettingbettertoday I hope it isnt rude for me to pipe in. I had nerves but also enjoyed talking in an intro "speech" class in the past. I was "good" at it despite nerves. Here are my ideas.
1. Remember that people hear your words, not your thoughts. Even if you stammer, they are there listening intently to you! Relax in this idea because they dont know your concerns. Every time you speak IS success.
2. This one is personal process, but you don't NEED to memorize a speech. You can make a list of summarized main points as reminders for when you practice. Then you are practicing REMEMBERING what you want to say, and for me it made me more confident every time I remembered my whole speech in the practices I did alone.
3. You can practice public speaking without your speech. Sure you can try to start a youtube channel these days because its so accessible, but you dont have to. I would say doing small things that make you uncomfortable are a better place to start. Instead of ordering something online, can you call and place the order on the phone? Can you call customer service for something and just talk to be comfortable talking to strangers (not sure if this is the source of your stress). Just pick any speaking activity that gives you nerves at any level, start small like at a fast food register or the cashier at the grocery store. They dont care. And its good practice if it makes you uncomfortable because you master small stuff as no big deal and work bigger slowly.
Hope that helps at all.
@Gettingbettertoday
The Toastmaster wrote back yesterday. When i noticed the e-mail i had an anxiety attack without even opening the email.
I am not nervous about public speaking I am terrified like something truly horrible will happen. I know its not going to kill me but there is a lot of money at steak which makes it hard to ignore.
@GlenM
Wow...the self-efficacy has a hard name but sounds so true. The more you do something, the more you grow confident. I'm just amazed at the concept of breaking down this big scary problems into small manageable ones. I will be practicing that more frequently.
@GlenM
I appreciate your insight into how you deal with panic. Unfortunately for me, the what if, the how likelies and the likeliness of hit rates never subsided my panic or anxiety as the answers to these questions never made me calm down or diminish my worries.
I am glad that you find comfort in these things. However, they did not work for me and, in fact (lots of tracking) contributed to my unmanageable panic attacks.
Some things that did work for me were as follows: exercise, meditation, setting up adequate support, involving myself in the 7 Cups community, and of course, therapy. To name a few.
I am glad these questions(points you laid out) helped you, but for me, adding more questions only led to supporting my panic attack in manifesting further reasons to feel anxious. I hope that others can see by our examples that there is not a singular way of managing anxiety that works and that figuring out what does work for you as an individual is the most important thing.
You stated, "Things often have to evolve for me to see how the water breaks or life unfolds," I think having a curious attitude toward our experience and how things may turn out is one of the best qualities to have.
Thank you for sharing your perspectives and experience with anxiety and panic attacks.
Louisa
@broadfemmelovelive
Louisa... I appreciate you sharing that and encouraging the individuals who feel like just because they couldn't find help in one way, they are lost. "...there is not a singular way of managing anxiety that works and that figuring out what does work for you as an individual is the most important thing"
@broadfemmelovelive / Louisa, these are great points! I think we are all unique and for some of us the behavioral things like exercise are more helpful than the more cognitive/thinking exercises I highlighted. I exercise too, especially when I'm worried about things and it is indeed a deep way to help the anxiety leave. If that resonates, then progressive muscle relaxation might be another technique that is helpful. No doubt you know about it, but if not here is a quick overview video.
And thank you for all the support you provide and for your kind words!
@GlenM
Thank you, I am so grateful for this space. Also thank you for making us think about how everyone can do different things when it comes to supporting their needs.
Yes, PMR is a great option for some. I haven't listened explicitly to this "relax for a while" channel but from the few moments I listened, very relaxing and calm pace.
I specifically use bedtime stories, or rather the same bedtime story to help manage pre-sleep anxieties.
I can see that even if this horrible thing happens that I’ll end up being okay or the person I love will also be okay.
What about the situations where this isn't true?
@AffyAvo Hi Affy! This is a very good point. It might depend on how we personally define "okay." For me, I have a broad definition of that that which almost includes anything. I have been through some ups and downs so, both fortunately and unfortunately, I am open to accepting painful things that come my way.
I think if I had a definition of okay that was higher - like I am okay as long a things stay at X point, but do not move to Y point, then I'd likely have anxiety if things getting to Y point had a real chance of occurring. e.g., we've talked before about when I thought I had a challenging hereditary disease. I saw it impact my grandfather in a bad way. I decided I was okay with the outcome if I ended up with it and my wife - amazingly - was also okay. I went and was tested and didn't end up having it, but we were both in a spot where we were okay if I did have it. I had a lot of anxiety about this issue before I was able to get to a place of acceptance. It took me a long time to get to that place and I had a lot of support in the process.
@GlenM Unfortunately I think that typically takes time to get there. When serious illness or tragedy hits, that time often doesn't exist.
@GlenM
This is an important topic. Thank you for making a post on it. I think most of us know that we should worry less, but learning to do so is quite challenging. I like the bolded headings. The hit rate point is particularly useful, it helps to think back on how many little things we worry ourselves sick over and how often it ends up being just fine. The quotes that help me are:
Anticipation is worse than reality
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened - Mark Twain
I have found that reading self-help books, particularly ones focused on emotional regulation, reality checks, and different philosophies is a consistent way for me to feel more calm. I recommend that to fellow worry warriors.
My motto is if it is something that will not bother me in five years don’t spend five minutes worrying about it.
Perspective IS everything!
For the big macros in life yes it warrants the worry and concern however smaller issues take it more in stride and not over think. I know it is difficult! Sometimes in life we cannot control the outcome only our reaction to it. Be kind to yourself.
Self care is a concept that is super important and know what works for you. When you are upstream what strategies work to help you cope before it becomes too much? A self care plan and kit would help! Especially for over thinkers like myself.
I like the River analogy! 💦
I worked in public health promotion. There is an upstream downstream story was about people falling in the river upstream and needing to be rescued downstream. There were tons of resources to safely fish them out etc but no one questioned why they are falling into the river.
What is happening upstream?? Upstream maybe they need a bridge? Why are they trying to cross the River and falling in? If we work on those not falling it would be far easier than the work downstream.
What makes and keeps us health upstream are the determinants of health in health promotion let’s work there instead downstream. Prevention is key!
Cheri
@GlenM
I like to remember this quote by Mark Twain:
“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
I look back to many worries I had, and this applies to me too, so it's a valuable lesson for me to remember while looking forward and worrying about things in the near to long-term future.
@HealingTalk such a great quote!
@GlenM
Thank you!
