Self-Forgiveness - A Short Video Message & Discussion

@laura how can I forgive myself of letting everyone walk all over me? What hurts the most is those people are the ones love the most.

@Sadheart80 Yes good question! Your loved ones can inflict a lot of pain- never being able to figure out how to forgive yourself to move on. Especially . ...if they don't think they're ever in the wrong?

I am dead serious when I say this... I'd rather die a million deaths that to forgive myself. I've done so many bad things I refuse to forgive myself

@KevinBoy85 I feel the same way. Sometimes I think that I don't deserve anything good that's why I'm hurting

There is no one harder on me than me but after watching your video I know I don't have to beat myself up about something I may have said out of anger. I am growing and I am reaching out for help with this and it's all a journey. When I make a mistake I feel it's pushing me back in my journey and I get even more upset with myself but I don't have to. It's a growing process, it's a journey. As long as I move forward and don't dwell on what I did I know I deserve self forgiveness because that's not who I am forever it was who I was in that moment. Thank you!

I wish I could he able to forgive myself. I feel like such an awful person.

This is such a pervasive problem for survivors of trauma as well. It is so easy to allow these false beliefs to linger for years. Sometimes, admitting circumstances are not within our control is the only way to let go of feeling as though "everything" is our fault.

It is a tough, but freeing step. Thank you so much for reminding me to pay attention to these feelings as they tend to sneak back into my thought process.

I tend to be my worst critic as so many others on this feed have expressed. It is always nice to step back and gain a more accurate perspective.

This post and thread will certainly be on the list of things I am thankful for on Thursday ❤️

Jealousy, insecurity and fear caused me to create rules, argue and emotionally hurt my husband by not trusting him. I am trying to work on myself and I want us to move forward but we can't seem to get out of the past. We're falling apart. I can't forgive myself for starting our relationship the way I did. And now I am afraid I have damaged us forever.

It's very hard for me to practice this. I can't help but stay angry or disappointed in myself. It takes a very long time or there are things I have never forgiven myself for. I think there is also some level of self-resentment for things as well.

I will keep trying to forgive myself as easily as I can forgive others. Just looks like a long road right now.

I forgive myself for doubting myself, for second guessing myself. I forgive myself for not validating myself. I forgive myself for dismissing myself. For not listening and giving my attention to the little voice inside of me. I know I'm on the right path and life is going to be good for me.

@Laura the video was helpful in got me reflecting about my self-talk. For myself, what is challenging about forgiving myself is when I accept myself conditionally, like "I shouldve known better" etc.. Sometimes I often asking myself "why".. "why".. I am learning that its okay not to have answers to everything.. that kind of thing, letting it go.. letting it be...

Each one of us deserves forgiveness

@Laura I want to forgive myself for not spending my senior year of college looking for a job. I graduated college in Spring 2015 Cum Laude. I was president of an honor society, I did hundreds of hours of community service, was part of student government, and a high ranking member of my serice fraternity. Since graduation I've had six jobs and have been terminated early from five of them, being outright fired from three of them.

My first semester of senior year I was offered a role at Salesforce, but I turned it down because I wanted to enjoy the rest of my college experience. The positon was very high paying, and my family and I struggle mightily with our finances. If I took the job I likely could have estavlished myself and my family financially.

For about a year and a half I regretted this decision to not take this job, but I'd like to forgive mysellf now. Even though I'm unemployed I've learned a lot about myself and what truly matters to me. I've also had time to go on vacations with friends and family that I'd otherwise not have a chance to see.

Life after college may not have turned out like I thought it would, but I've come to accept my life for what it is, and I strive every day to make positive changes that will bring happiness to myself and everyone in my life.

It's basically the Dialectical Behaviour Skills (DBT) technique of radical acceptance, turned inwards - there's no point dwelling on something you're powerless to change because it's in the past, so you need to be able to accept the reality of what happened, to allow you to move on from that point.

I didn't forgive myself until I was 16 years old. Since I was a child I used to hate my parents, my father was really violent with us and my mom just didn't care, and so I rebelled, started my own violence and it wasn't until I really hurt somebody that I realized that I wasn't doing things right. So I went to therapy, and then I realized that I needed not only to forgive both of my parents but also myself, because that much hatred, that self isolation was hurting me...

Now, I forgive me everyday, because of that past and also because of feeling so lonely without any good reason. And I do forgive me, because that's how I show myself that even with all my flaws and mistakes, I still love me. And that's also why I'm here on 7Cups, to help me and you guys if possible.

@IHCamus

That is very beautiful. thank you for sharing your story in this thread. we are very happy to have you in 7 cups

@laura and 7cups community -

Let's Be Clear, this may not be applicable to all situations ones Faceing. The song "Sorry to Myself" by Alanis Morissette is an apology letter she wrote herself. I would post the lyrics but it can be easily googled & don't want to violate any terms of agreement.

Some or all lyrics may be apply to your life. I am sorry it has taken me this long to understand how powerful these lyrics are and it's my honor to share this with my 7 cups friends.

Listen or read the lyrics. I recommend rereading the lyrics to comprehend how we can treat ourselves worse than everyone else. Choose to accept you today as you are - you are perfectly imperfect just like each and everyone one of us.

I believe that self-forgiveness is very important, particularly to people who have low self-esteem like me. I catch me blaming myself many times even when the fault is not mine. I am often harsh and critical towards myself. Whenever I do something that is not good enough according to my standard, I get frustrated and start telling myself defeating words. Self-forgiveness is surely a viable solution to my tendency of thinking negatively about myself. I guess I'm ready to forgive myself for quite a few things today Thank you Laura for sharing the video and help me have a chance to voice my opinion about self-compassion

@ambitiousCity3124

i dont think i could ever forgive myself sadly

I just want to forgive myself and give a second chance to myself and have a new start and do all the good deeds as possible in my life span

Forgiving yourself allows you to remember that you are just a simple human on this planet, no better or less. And that, in all its messiness, is beautiful.

I have so much to forgive myself for, that I don't know where to start.

I told my ex-GF (it pains me to write this) last night that it seems that I make a career of messing up relationships. Every relationship that gets messed up makes me feel lonelier and lonelier. It's getting to the point that I don't want to make new friends and that I avoid any kinds of social situations.

I loved this girl a lot, and my anxiety/passive aggressiveness/inattention/ad infinitum screwed up a vibrant and loving relationship. I don't know what more to do.

Forgiving myelf has been really tough recently. I tend to dwell on the things I have done wrong, instead of the things I do right. Self-forgiveness takes a bit of effort from me, but I really need to start to learn how to do it so that I can move ahead and get out of the past.

This may be triggering, Im sorry if it does trigger you

I know self forgiveness is important in recovery, but it is extremely hard to forgive yourself, especially when your mind makes you think you are a horrible person and you actually start to believe it... It is hard to forgive yourself for doing that to yourself. Its hard to forgive yourself for torturing your body with razors and with lighters, the starving yourself, the slow forms of suicide we use, its hard to forgive ourselves for that... but I think the hardest part in it all is trying to forgive yourself for not being strong all the time, or trying to forgive yourself for everything youve been through. The worst part is when it eats away at you and you cant stop it. Its when that horrible anger and sadness comes out. Its when you are so close to crying, but no tears come, and you are mad st yourself, thinking Why am I not good enough? And that makes it hard to believe people when they say that you are, because to some people, as long as they have flat stomachs and thigh gaps and they can be with the more popular people, then they can go another day without eating, they can pretend to be happy for a little bit longer. But forgiving yourself for going through with it, even when your body was fighting it at first, and putting you through more trouble then its worth, all to feel better for a short amount of time? Thats what I struggle with forgiving myself with... I dont know about you guys... or like the video said, even in the small mistakes we still struggle to forgive ourselves, like, if our friend were to do the same thing, we would probably forgive them without hesitation but if you do it you constantly build up self hate, and those thoughts are like poison..

Thanks for letting me share!

Self-forgiveness is really hard for me. Even when I actively try to, I can feel the negative criticism inside my mind flaring up and trying to shut down all self-forgiveness attempts. I feel overly responsible, even when I know certain things aren't my fault. I feel like it's safer to condemn and blame myself than to risk being perceived as arrogant or irresponsible and being punished for it.

How can one forgive one's self for being?

I find that I'm better at forgiving myself for the big things. But I don't forgive myself for the little things and they start to pile up. I'm not good at letting them go.

Thanks for the reminder on the importance of self-forgiveness.

@Laura

Hi Laura. I really value self forgiveness, though I find it so hard to actually apply to my life. I'm weighed down often by a lot of shame for how I behave if I've shown a bad side of myself, or responded in the heat of the moment... And then I can't let go. "Why did I do that" keeps repeating, but I think it is very important. I just need to learn how to isolate moments and move past them.

Took a long time to get to where I looked at my actions objective. It took a lot of energy work, and a few people who were willing to accept me and incourage me to just be me. These people then told me they would let me know if they thought my actions were out of line. In other words, I could give up as much as I could judging myself and be more caring and objective. So for me forgiveness is the ability to look at my actions or someone elses actions and realize that they are human just like me. That they are allowed, and so am I, to make errors in judgement. That errors in judgement are not the end of the world. Errors are mistakes. Human beings make mistakes. It is the way we find boundaries and the way we learn from others about our behavior. So forgiveness to me is giving myself a big break to be human, to be accountable to my actions but with the understanding that I am learning and part of learning is making mistakes and errors. When I give everyone the same chance to make mistakes and yet be accountable, and act responsible when they make them, then I give myself the same break and I feel more peace and happiness in my life. It really is wonderful to not "have to be perfect or correct all of the time" and yet have the balance to be sensible and kind to others when I have made a decision that lacked insight. I sure am glad I can be human and treat myself better today!

I'm having a hard time forgiving myself right now for being very slow in my recovery and for having some very difficult issues and even for not being able to get help for them due to finances. I need to hear more about the subject and I appreciate your video. I did a video on my feed recently about self-harm. These two subjects go hand-in-hand for me. I obviously wouldn't be as likely to self harm if I had a more forgiving attitude toward myself. Self-forgiveness I think would break the destructive cycle for me. But I still have a negative tape in my head that says if I forgive myself I'm just letting myself off the hook and excusing myself and making excuses again. I'm not sure where the line between making lame excuses and forgiving myself is. Theres forgiving myself and there's being lazy. I'm not sure which is which still. I feel like I'm breaking a very universal law if I forgive myself.

thanks,

carol

I feel that way at times. Sometimes you have to treat yourself as your own friend and practice compassion towards yourself.

Warm weather makes me feel self conscious because I see other girls in their nice bikini walking around.

I wish I knew how to forgive myself. For years all I've done is dwell on my errors and faults. It seems like the more I think about it, the more the guilt takes away from my well-being. The people I've hurt have all forgiven me, but I haven't.

@Laura It's hard to forgive. I know it's the best thing to do for yourself because you get a big burden off your shoulders and you have peace of mind and better relationships. At first, fine. You forgive. But then it happens again and again and again and again. And you get used to it, being hurt. So then you do things you regret later. And that's aside from all the things every day you do and say and wish you hadn't. And you are imperfect and you begin to hate yourself. And you realize that the reason you are the way you are, even with others, is because you haven't forgiven yourself first. And honestly, it's the hardest person to forgive.

From the last two days, I'm having these outbursts. I would suddenly start remembering all my mistakes and freak out. Even cried while panicking. My thoughts were getting more and more scary and full of self blame.

I tried forgiving myself and almost succeeded too. Like you said, i really felt free, hopeful and optimistic. But then my sister said something and i was back to where I was. That was all it took. Still struggling with it.

It feels so bad when i can't be fully happy when they accomplish something. A part of me instantly start screaming at myself that see they are already placed in big companies and where you are? Still in college and still lost.

I hate these thoughts and when i can't stop them, they become worse. It makes me feel so helpless that i lock myself in room and cry.

I can't forgive me and i can't love myself

I struggle to forgive self blame from the way treat me.

@Powerfulbecky67 I forgiveness myself for not being confident and not having faith in myself.