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Disturbing things related to Sh
ambertryingtobeok October 20th, 2021
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TW TW TW TW TW
(I'm warning in advance it is triggering- read at your own risk. Yes graphic descriptions)

I do sh. That's the abbreviation I use. I don't like to say the two words, and I know you understand what I mean so what's the point. Sh is (you know what it is. If not, see the community where I posted this.)

So here's the deal-

I sh. No surprise- many people out there do. But I wanted to talk about a few troubling behaviours of mine that are scary.

Like they scare me because I doubt they are normal. And they are, in some ways, worse than sh.

Also this is gonna get triggering so any lurking Forum Moderators, if you think it is inappropriate, please delete the thread or post- whichever or edit (if possible). But if you delete it please let me know (PMs)


Is there anyone who has been doing sh since so long that they can't even count their scars? I do in a small place, so all the scars are crowded. So many, can't even count at this point. Some fresh, some not. I don't look at them anymore. I can't bear to. When I know that body part will come in sight, I close my eyes. Because when I see it, guilt consumes me to an infinite extent. That is not the bad part, the bad part is sometimes I don't clean it, I neglect it as if it isn't a part of my body anymore.

I don't treat wounds. I know I'm gonna sound horrible for saying it, but I don't care. I can't bear to see the wound, and it is usually between old scars (yes I sh over old scars to avoid scarring more skin). I don't bandage, I don't care about it. I clean it once and act like everything is awesome. Even if I feel the pain. I know I should treat it, but I can't. It is too triggering to see, and the red liquid- gosh

Once I say I can't stop, people here say be careful doing it. I try to. But it is impossible- like I don't treat it. How can you if just looking at it, and all the previous scars reminds you of terrible memories? Even if they don't, the area is so full of scars that just looking at them is terribly overwhelming.

So an applause to you if you treat it.

Another thing I know about sh is that you should never do it when you are dissociated, or high, or not in your senses. That's because you might misjudge and sh more and worse than you intended to, causing problems. But I do that. Because those are the moments when I actually need to. Those are the ever-consuming moments when I need an escape. It is scary and terrible, but I can't think of the consequences, and I have no choice. In those moments nothing else helps, or seems to help. I try my best, but give up and sh. It is sad, but I don't know.

Though on the bright side, I don't think I am addicted to sh anymore. I do it, yes. But only when the utter panic and guilt has gripped me for over 90 minutes and I have tried all other coping mechanisms but to no avail. I do it sometimes, but I don't compulsively think of it. It might be a point in recovery, and maybe when I am out of this place I'll panic less and not sh anymore.

But the scars will never disappear. The signs of everything will remain. I permanently damaged me. That is a hard pill to swallow.


At this point, it is easy to make excuses, but they will do no good. My only choice is to try to not do it, and not indulge in the guilt that surrounds sh. Easier said than done. But being the brave fighter I am, and for the young child in me who survived so much, I have to do this.



I vented here so if you can relate feel free to reply. If you don't but you feel bad for me, you can reply. But please do not guilt-trip me for anything said here (I get defensive easily). I already feel guilty so please don't add on to it.

8
QuietMagic November 9th, 2021
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@FedUpWithPeople

***TW***

Hi--I can understand what you're describing with feeling the need to neglect a part of your body. Like if the scars are a source of guilt/shame, and if there's one particular spot that you've "used" repeatedly to the point that it's almost nothing but scars, I can imagine how that would feel like a concentrated source of guilt/shame. To the point that you wouldn't want to think about it.

That sounds like helpful advice to try to especially try to avoid sh when dissociated since it's easy to misjudge things. But can understand as well what you're saying that that might be the time when you have the greatest urges or need for sh since dissociation feels especially distressing. (One general thing I've seen repeatedly for dissociation is that grounding techniques can be helpful--just focusing on anything physical and bringing yourself back to your immediate surroundings with vivid sensations.)

I don't feel you have anything to be guilty about regarding the scars. You've experienced/survived a lot, you used sh for a specific purpose to manage all of those feelings, and it worked and did what you needed it to do for a certain period of time. Since then, you've been able to find other alternatives that work well and you no longer need sh as much (which sounds great). But it was something useful for the period of time that you were doing it regularly and you did what you needed to do to survive.

ambertryingtobeok OP November 14th, 2021
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@QuietMagic

My apologies for replying so late. Truth to be told, I saw it the day you posted and read through it. But I couldn't bear to think about everything, and process it and make a post replying to you. To be honest I am not in a shape to think about it now. So why am I posting? I have no clue.
Tw- sh
But @QuietMagic thank you so much for understanding. It is a source for guilt indeed, lots of guilt that I can't escape. I just can't process that I damaged myself so badly. What for? To survive a bad day?
It is helpful advice, but very hard to implement. I think you know why. And thank you for suggesting grounding, I try these grounding techniques a lot (remember I mentioned 90 minutes delay? That's when I do this stuff). But sometimes it's just too much. Saying this I feel like I'm justiying sh, to me, to everyone else. But it is horrible and cannot be justified. No reason can fully justify why anyone would do it. Maybe that's why we feel guilty after seeing scars.
Sh is a way to survive, a coping mechanism. But that doesn't mean we "need" it...since there are better coping mechanisms out there, that are less unhealthy. But then again, when I say all that I'm expressing anger at myself for having done sh in the past.
And I try to work through the guilt, try not to sh so much but sometimes I crash. I hate it...like to the point where I've stopped keeping track of how long I've been clean because I know I'll relapse and then all I can think about is I was clean for (so and so) much time, and now. That would keep me in the past, and I want to move on. Leave everything in the past far far far behind. But at the end of the day, the scars remain.
QuietMagic November 16th, 2021
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@FedUpWithPeople

Hi, no problem! And wanted to say there's no obligation to think about stuff or reply to anything I post if it doesn't feel help to engage with all of this.

Understand what you're saying that you feel guilty/angry at yourself for having damaged yourself. (It seems like that kind of shame is something a lot of people who self-harm experience.) And then you're also upset at yourself for feeling like you're trying to justify something that feels unjustifiable. ("Yes, I've used it to survive, but I really shouldn't and that doesn't make it better.")

I found a couple articles I wanted to share on recovering from relapses.
https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/self-harm/how-to-cope-with-a-self-harm-relapse-5684.html
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4553654/

Sonnenschein2000 November 14th, 2021
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@FedUpWithPeople

I just wanted to thank you for your courage to vent here. I cannot understand fully your experience because obviously we have different lives and struggles, but I relate to it heavily. Recently it's been hard to look at my scars, I'm scared of looking at them. It's tiring being angry at ourselves for all of this. It's draining trying to surf the urges.

I really hope you have the support you need. You deserve so much love, just because you are here existing and living. Please remember this community is here for you. You are not alone.

I'm not a listener, but if you want to talk, I'm here. I'm with you.

If I can help you or support in any way, let me know.

ambertryingtobeok OP November 14th, 2021
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@Sonnenschein2000

Thank you for reading, replying and being here. And yes it is really sad and scary and hard and tiring and draining and (I can go on and on).

Maybe I do deserve support and love, but I really don't feel like I do. It's scary. But a big thanks to everyone who is there for me (you included).

And I'll surely let you know if you can help anytime. Hope you get better at taking care of yourself and get used to the bad feelings of looking at scars, and surfing the urges. It is hard but I have hope for you

Sonnenschein2000 November 16th, 2021
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@FedUpWithPeople

I know well how you feel, I've been there, actually I'm still there from time to time. It's hard to believe we deserve love and help. It's easier to think we don't, easier and self-destructive, but yeah it's easier. And it's hard because it's scary, because you have to go out of your comfort zone, you have to open you heart and let people know how you feel, and yes there's no scarier feeling than this. But trust me, please, you deserve and need help and love and there's nothing wrong with it. Even if you think you don't, please give it a try. You've had so much courage to write this post, I'm sure you have the amount of courage you need to reach out to someone, yes even while you're scared and angry and ashemed, in the middle of it all, I know you have courage inside yourself. Even if you don't feel ready and even if you think you'll regret it. Find someone you trust.

And yes I hope I'll learn how to see my scars without feeling like a mess. I guess the complex part is having these bad emotions when I look at them, but at the same time needing them to be there, not wanting them to go away ever because I cannot even handle the thought.

easyPine2877 March 17th, 2022
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I burned my arm and cut my leg in the same place so I don't create new scars I have to hide .

ambertryingtobeok OP May 28th, 2022
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@easyPine2877 i understand. i really do

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