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ambertryingtobeok
1 92,553 M Marching Ahead 7
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts5,288 Forum posts47 Forum upvotes77 Current upvotes77 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2024 Member sinceNovember 26, 2018
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Rarely active, might not reply to messages timely

Pronouns they/them 


Barely sane, ptsd and dissociation are bad:/

No tags or shoutouts please


Please do not give any advice or even suggestions, especially if I don't ask for them...just don't do it. It is a bad trigger. Long story.

Recent forum posts
Disturbing things related to Sh
Self-Harm Recovery / by ambertryingtobeok
Last post
 May 28th, 2022
...See more TW TW TW TW TW (I'm warning in advance it is triggering- read at your own risk. Yes graphic descriptions) I do sh. That's the abbreviation I use. I don't like to say the two words, and I know you understand what I mean so what's the point. Sh is (you know what it is. If not, see the community where I posted this.) So here's the deal- I sh. No surprise- many people out there do. But I wanted to talk about a few troubling behaviours of mine that are scary. Like they scare me because I doubt they are normal. And they are, in some ways, worse than sh. Also this is gonna get triggering so any lurking Forum Moderators, if you think it is inappropriate, please delete the thread or post- whichever or edit (if possible). But if you delete it please let me know (PMs) Is there anyone who has been doing sh since so long that they can't even count their scars? I do in a small place, so all the scars are crowded. So many, can't even count at this point. Some fresh, some not. I don't look at them anymore. I can't bear to. When I know that body part will come in sight, I close my eyes. Because when I see it, guilt consumes me to an infinite extent. That is not the bad part, the bad part is sometimes I don't clean it, I neglect it as if it isn't a part of my body anymore. I don't treat wounds. I know I'm gonna sound horrible for saying it, but I don't care. I can't bear to see the wound, and it is usually between old scars (yes I sh over old scars to avoid scarring more skin). I don't bandage, I don't care about it. I clean it once and act like everything is awesome. Even if I feel the pain. I know I should treat it, but I can't. It is too triggering to see, and the red liquid- gosh Once I say I can't stop, people here say be careful doing it. I try to. But it is impossible- like I don't treat it. How can you if just looking at it, and all the previous scars reminds you of terrible memories? Even if they don't, the area is so full of scars that just looking at them is terribly overwhelming. So an applause to you if you treat it. Another thing I know about sh is that you should never do it when you are dissociated, or high, or not in your senses. That's because you might misjudge and sh more and worse than you intended to, causing problems. But I do that. Because those are the moments when I actually need to. Those are the ever-consuming moments when I need an escape. It is scary and terrible, but I can't think of the consequences, and I have no choice. In those moments nothing else helps, or seems to help. I try my best, but give up and sh. It is sad, but I don't know. Though on the bright side, I don't think I am addicted to sh anymore. I do it, yes. But only when the utter panic and guilt has gripped me for over 90 minutes and I have tried all other coping mechanisms but to no avail. I do it sometimes, but I don't compulsively think of it. It might be a point in recovery, and maybe when I am out of this place I'll panic less and not sh anymore. But the scars will never disappear. The signs of everything will remain. I permanently damaged me. That is a hard pill to swallow. At this point, it is easy to make excuses, but they will do no good. My only choice is to try to not do it, and not indulge in the guilt that surrounds sh. Easier said than done. But being the brave fighter I am, and for the young child in me who survived so much, I have to do this. I vented here so if you can relate feel free to reply. If you don't but you feel bad for me, you can reply. But please do not guilt-trip me for anything said here (I get defensive easily). I already feel guilty so please don't add on to it.
I'm Venting...
Journals & Diaries / by ambertryingtobeok
Last post
 September 7th, 2021
...See more TW- anger issues, s*lf h*rm, mention of s**cide threat Aaah I hate this...I am a mess again. This is my first time venting here, I have no clue if anyone sees this or not. I don't care at this point. My mom is shouting again- she has anger management issues (diagnosed by a therapist) and she didn't get them treated. You know why? Because guess what- she got angry at the therapist. I mean seriously. I wish she cared about what her anger issues put me and my brother through. I am so tired of dealing with her. Like I'll tell you what- I have to know exactly what she's feeling so that I can predict every single reaction so that I don't end up making a mess. Constant monitoring of the situation so I know when to avoid her. And that monitoring itself has become so bad I almost panic whenever I see her. She used to hug me all the time. After she got angry at either me or my brother, she'd come back to us with a hug and an apology. "I didn't mean to say all that, it slipped out of my mouth. I am sorry, I love you". It was a big lie. I should have known. I knew it but I should have known better. I hated to go to her with any problems since first she shouted and then said that. Anytime she is angry she has 2 punching bags (me and my brother). She shouts at us, lets her anger out, says stuff so mean I don't want to say it here. More like it is so extreme I don't want to think about it (ok it involves- s**cide threats and that she regrets having us). And then she'll come back and hug and apologise as if that will make everything alright. But she does this all the time. I don't believe any of it. She forcefully hugs me sometimes, and I hate it. I go and cut. Anyone else hugs me online or otherwise, I think of everything mentioned above, I get triggered. I hate it. I can't avoid this. Sometimes I think about how everyone loves hugs, they are so warm, nice and cozy. I wish I could enjoy them without thinking of all the bad stuff. But my mom took that Now I'll go for some "family time" (as if you can call this mess a family) and probably get triggered. I hope I am able to calm down without having to resort to sh. And then the neglect she put me through. I am good at studies so apparently I did not need any time from a parent. I get good grades so that means I don't need emotional support. Even at school with the bullying, and no one cared me at home. I came to a very low point, and I am trying to recover and get better. But in this environment where I get triggered all the time, be it home, friend circles or chatrooms (with mentions of hugs), I can't get better. I wish it was easier, I've been through way more than what I can handle. After all this, I doubt anyone can blame me for not wanting to talk to my mom. But no, my mom calls me ungrateful and other amazing words that I am unwilling to translate. As I said, I am a punching bag here. I've started feeling very lonely in friend circles too (like if I'm talking to a best friend all of a sudden the bad things hit me and I feel lonely). Same story here again. I wish ....(well no need to repeat it) Anyways, I don't know if anyone is seeing this, or read this, or was it an interesting or fun thread...(are all threads meant to be fun?) If you want to, you can reply to this. I don't mind either way. I'll take your leave here, take care y'all
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