Disturbing things related to Sh
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(I'm warning in advance it is triggering- read at your own risk. Yes graphic descriptions)
I do sh. That's the abbreviation I use. I don't like to say the two words, and I know you understand what I mean so what's the point. Sh is (you know what it is. If not, see the community where I posted this.)
So here's the deal-
I sh. No surprise- many people out there do. But I wanted to talk about a few troubling behaviours of mine that are scary.
Like they scare me because I doubt they are normal. And they are, in some ways, worse than sh.
Also this is gonna get triggering so any lurking Forum Moderators, if you think it is inappropriate, please delete the thread or post- whichever or edit (if possible). But if you delete it please let me know (PMs)
Is there anyone who has been doing sh since so long that they can't even count their scars? I do in a small place, so all the scars are crowded. So many, can't even count at this point. Some fresh, some not. I don't look at them anymore. I can't bear to. When I know that body part will come in sight, I close my eyes. Because when I see it, guilt consumes me to an infinite extent. That is not the bad part, the bad part is sometimes I don't clean it, I neglect it as if it isn't a part of my body anymore.
I don't treat wounds. I know I'm gonna sound horrible for saying it, but I don't care. I can't bear to see the wound, and it is usually between old scars (yes I sh over old scars to avoid scarring more skin). I don't bandage, I don't care about it. I clean it once and act like everything is awesome. Even if I feel the pain. I know I should treat it, but I can't. It is too triggering to see, and the red liquid- gosh
Once I say I can't stop, people here say be careful doing it. I try to. But it is impossible- like I don't treat it. How can you if just looking at it, and all the previous scars reminds you of terrible memories? Even if they don't, the area is so full of scars that just looking at them is terribly overwhelming.
So an applause to you if you treat it.
Another thing I know about sh is that you should never do it when you are dissociated, or high, or not in your senses. That's because you might misjudge and sh more and worse than you intended to, causing problems. But I do that. Because those are the moments when I actually need to. Those are the ever-consuming moments when I need an escape. It is scary and terrible, but I can't think of the consequences, and I have no choice. In those moments nothing else helps, or seems to help. I try my best, but give up and sh. It is sad, but I don't know.
Though on the bright side, I don't think I am addicted to sh anymore. I do it, yes. But only when the utter panic and guilt has gripped me for over 90 minutes and I have tried all other coping mechanisms but to no avail. I do it sometimes, but I don't compulsively think of it. It might be a point in recovery, and maybe when I am out of this place I'll panic less and not sh anymore.
But the scars will never disappear. The signs of everything will remain. I permanently damaged me. That is a hard pill to swallow.
At this point, it is easy to make excuses, but they will do no good. My only choice is to try to not do it, and not indulge in the guilt that surrounds sh. Easier said than done. But being the brave fighter I am, and for the young child in me who survived so much, I have to do this.
I vented here so if you can relate feel free to reply. If you don't but you feel bad for me, you can reply. But please do not guilt-trip me for anything said here (I get defensive easily). I already feel guilty so please don't add on to it.