heyy
TW
self harm and scars/marks
Heyy,
I'm new here and I don't know if I'm doing this right but I'm trying
Self harm has been part of my life for quite a while
But in the past few months it got a lot worse and by now honestly it's an addiction
Part of me really wants to have scars or visible marks that last
I am not one to scar easily so whatever marks there are, they fade pretty fast
I know that wanting scars is stupid, they could trigger someone....
But I still want them
It's like they validate what I'm feeling on the inside, like I have something to show for it
Idk my brain keeps comparing them to battle scars
I want scars to remind me of what I've been through
(I'm a person that easily forgets or downplayes bad times)
And also so many people have scars from that
I get scared when the marks start to fade, because it's like they were never there, like all those bad moments never happened and then the urge to do something comes back again
Any thoughts?
~Liks
(I seriously hope I did this right)
@Liks4433
Hey!
There is not right or wrong here, don't let this be an additional burden on your shoulders, you're going through a lot already. Everything is okay and valid. Everything is welcome. Nobody is going to judge you or to tell you are doing something wrong.
I'm proud of you for writing this post.
I can relate to your words. I recognize so much of my struggles in them. I know we do not share the exact same experience, but hey, you are not alone. I've been there too.
It's hard for me to remember too. It's hard for me to validate myself and my worst days, and scars do exactly this: they make experiences real, true. They are your only witnesses to your feelings, even when you don't believe yourself. You end up needing them so badly. Craving them. Without them we are scared nothing will be left of us.
I know personally how hard it is to believe this, but please try, you are more than your scars. You are more than your worst days and than your pain.
Scars are not a currency. Scars don't determine the level of your suffering. More scars won't make you feel more valid, even if the voices in your head tell you the opposite. In the end, no scar will be really enough.
If you want to talk about how you feel, what you think, we are here. I am here. I'm not a listener, but if you want to share something here, I'll listen.
Take care of you and please let me know how are you doing.
-Sonne
Heyy
Thank you, that really means a lot~
I'm trying to work on believing that (that I am not my pain). I think I am scared of feeling ok. Because the feeling is a bit alien to me and I don't know how to act when I actually do feel good. I'm so used to being like this
Scars are not a currency. That really stuck with me when I first read your answer. I know logically you're right and putting it like that makes so much sense. I know that no scar will ever be enough for me. It's just really hard to justify. To argue that. Especially when your mind tries to convince you of the opposite. Constantly. But I'm trying
Thank you. Just having this support already helps. Knowing I can turn to someone at any given time, really helps
Take care of yourself too~
I'm ok. I'm managing. The urge to do something is almost constantly there but I've been clean for a few days now. Trying to approach it one day at a time. It's not easy. I'm constantly fighting a battle inside of my head. But right now it's ok
Thanks again for the support
~Liks
@Liks4433
It's okay if you are scared of feeling okay. As you said, being okay it's a new thing, you're not used to it anymore, and you are scared of many things, it's understandable. What scares you the most about being good specifically? if you feel comfortable replying.
Despite being scared, you want to try, right? You want to try feeling better than this. And this is so important. Even if at the same time you are not sure and you might want to go back and feel worse because it's easier. You are trying. This is enough for now. As you said, take it day by day. Little steps.
Wanting scars is not stupid. Actually, it makes perfectly sense, though it's not healthy, it does make sense and this wanting has a meaning. I used to be scared too when some of my scars faded. It felt devastating, like I was fading with them. And these feelings don't go away easily, so yeah it's draining having to fight them everyday. Trying to go on and function means using a ton of energy and I think many people don't get how hard it is. Please remeber to rest!
Do you think there are some other things that could do the same job scars do for you now? Something to remind yourself what you've been through is real? (talking with someone, keeping a diary and so on...)
Urges will stay with you for some time I guess, I'm not gonna lie, and I know it's scary and tiring, and you feel like you cannot even trust yourself... but we are here, we can learn how to manage them together. Wheter it is delaying, distrating youself with cooking or watching funny tv shows or doing a physical activity. You can find something that works for you.
The struggles you are experiencing are real, they are happening for real. I believe you. Your feelings, though temporary, are real and they deserve attention.
I'm taking care of myself, yes, thank you!
- Sonne
I guess it's the same as with the scars. When they're gone there's no proof anything bad ever happened. It feels really invalidating. Especially because other people who aren't affected by mental health issues don't understand the depth of it. They say and joke about things so carelessly. No one knows what it actually feels like. No one sees. No one knows about my worst days so it feels like they didn't actually happen, that they're not valid, that it's not true. I feel really guilty when I do feel good because it's like I'm neglecting and invalidating the experiences I had and the stuff I went through in the past
I think so yeah. It's a constant battle in my head. Wanting to do better but at the same time wanting the opposite. Right now I can only try
I relate to that a lot~ I try to rest as well as I can
Mhm I don't know. I already write down everything that happens so I won't forget but it doesn't have the same effect. I thought about turning it into art though...
I will try that. Am trying that. It's really not easy
Thank you for all your words, really. It helps to be able to openly talk about things like this
~Liks
@Liks4433
I get it. It's a struggle yes, people don't understand and joke too much and in the meantime you have to fight your invalidating thoughts too.
When you need to vent, we are here.
Oh! It would be wonderfuld if you could try to express yourself through art! If you ike the idea, try it! Whatever you create, it doesn't have to be pretty, it just has to exist. That's it. It just has to exist as it is and as you feel it.
I know it's hard to believe because I've been there too and honestly I still find it hard some days, but you cannot fake your emotions. You cannot fake your emotions. Your worst days are real. They hurt you. You did not invented them. If you are here it's because something happened and its was real and it matters.
Let me know if and when you try to create something, if you want.
Thank you for being here and thank you because you keep trying
- Sonne
I agree art is wonderful. It's just been hard to find the motivation for it lately. But I do have some ideas. Turning feelings into art can be oddly comforting sometimes
I think I read that paragraph ten thousand times. You cannot fake your emotions. That makes sense, a lot of sense. That's also a part of my mind, telling me it's not real, I'm not actually doing bad, I'm fine - eventhough I'm not in reality. I know I shouldn't be doing this but my mind keeps comparing what I'm going through to other people's or well one other persons struggles. And then it's very easy for my mind to take that and invalidate whatever I'm going through. My pain is a lot less visible and internal than the other persons struggles were. No one actually knows how bad it is, there's no one, I can't tell anyone really. I know what it feels like to carry the weight of things like this and it's extremely hard. I don't want to do that to anyone and I won't. I feel like my pain is nothing in comparison to what the other person went through. I know it's stupid to compare but I can't shut it off. I've tried. I feel really pathetic. Gods I hope that didn't overstep a line or any boundaries, I'm trying to work on that
But thank you so much, the whole paragraph is really validating to me~
I really appreciate the words of advice you give me. They help a lot
~Liks
@Liks4433
I'm glad you appreciate my words, I'll be with you for as long as you'd like. I can listen. You didn't overstep any line or any boundaries, if I'm here and I'm replying to you it's because I'm consciously choosing to listen to you and it's okay. It's okay if you need to talk. I just hope this can be a safe space for you.
I understand we need connection, though being vulnerable it's hard and scary, and we need to share our story and struggles with someone who can somehow understand. I know well (because I lived it) how all you are experiencing right now can be isolating, loneliness is exhausting, having to keep a secret so heavy, having to hide your actions and your emotions, the shame, the guilt, feeling stupid and invalidated, thiking you are the only one who is fighting these thoughts.
But you are not. You are not alone. And I want to clarify I'm not saying this to tell you "hey, you know, we all do this stuff, it's okay, just snap out of it" NO, no, i'm telling you this to let your know that the subjective experience of the enormity of your pain it's important, no matter what others are going through, it matters and I see you struggling. If other people in this world feel even just a bit like you do and can understand you, then it means you are not inventing anything. Your pain, even though it is yours and yours only, is something relatable, something real, and it is affecting you.
"i'm totalaly fine", "i have everything i need", "others have more valid reasons to justify their suffering more than me", "i'm just faking for attention", "i'm good", "i cannot tell people i feel bad because i would be lying". Does this sounds familiar?
Yes, the voice in your head is strong and it's tempting. There's difference between rationally knowing something and emotionally feeling something. You can be aware you shouldn't be doing this or that, but feeling it anyway, It's okay.
In this world we all encounter pain. We all struggle. And all our different struggles are valid at the same time. You are not taking other people's place by acknowledging you are going through something that it's hard for you personally. In this world there is enough space for the experiences of us all. Allow yourself to take up space.
If someone is drowning in 2 metres of water and another one is drowning in 7 metres of water, you don't shame the first person for drowning. You don't ask them to demonstrate you they are "really drowning". You don't stay there wondering if they have a "good enough reason" for drowning in that moment. They are both equally drowing and surely you'd try helping them both.
Comparison is difficult to shut off, it's okay. It's not your fault, you are trying, it will take time. Self-harm is a big issue and it deserves your attention. I uderstand you feel guilty at the thought of telling somebody about this because it's a lot, and you don't want to weight people down with your burdens. Despite this, is there someoen you trust? Is there someone who you think could support you? (a therapist, a family memeber, a friends...) There are many things to elaborate and it's messy, I know, but I believe in you.
Idk if these can help, but I'll let you some resources... let me know : First and Second
- Sonne
(ps i'm scared i made some grammar mistakes, i hope you can understand what i mean, anyway)
Hi friend 😊
Firstly, welcome to 7Cups! It's 100% confusing at first, and I hope this welcome pack can be helpful.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CL9Yu_6zixlapOjdrhCgKLy9JN5wY3HWdrGH7PIO2WI/edit?usp=drivesdk
Thank you so much for sharing all this with us, that takes a lot of strength, and is an important step.
It makes sense how you feel about wanting the scars, that's really common. To reiterate the above comment that I absolutely love, scars aren't currency. Your struggles are real and valid, no matter if anyone else can see them or know about them, and even if you downplay it later, it happened. And it's real. And it's important. Temporary pain is still important.
And you are important ❤
Again, welcome to 7Cups, and I truly hope you find the support you need here.
Sending warmth 💜🌿
Thank you~
It's still confusing... but I'm slowly getting the hang of it :)
Thank you, really. This feels really validating. Everyone who like knows about the self harm mostly focuses on the getting away part of it but no one actually understands. So really thank you, this made me feel a bit better ✨
@Sonnenschein2000
This is failing at me being new... I don't know how to reply to your post, there's no reply button. I'm a bit lost ''
@Liks4433
it's okay, it's not a problem, sometimes it happens, we can keep talking anyway. You can just create a new post to this thread, and tag me so i can get the notification. Or you can also reply to this post if you want and reply to me if there's something you want to say about the last things I wrote you.
K"' thank you. I get so easily overwhelmed by stuff like this. Referring to what you wrote before:
I'm really glad. I've had bad experiences with overstepping boundaries in the past and I'm trying to learn from that. This is a safe space for me, it really it is and talking to you helps a lot
It's really isolating actually. There's things I cannot say because I fear it will trigger the person I'm talking to. I have to hide so much, it's all just inside of me. I've gotten so used to dealing with pain on my own that it's a habit of just not saying everything that's going on. Stupidly that also means that no one really sees, there's no call for an ambulance, no fainting in school, no being taken out of school...(this happened to someone very close to me, not sh related but also bc of something I deal with too). And next to that I feel invisible
Thank you for that paragraph. That feels really really validating. Makes me feel seen. The sentence that the pain is mine only, is really validating. You have a way of writing that gets through to my head
Yeah all those sentences are familiar. Thank you for that~
I'll try to allow myself that. I am working on it
That's a really good metaphor. It's been stuck in my head for days honestly. It helps~
My therapist knows some of it and two other people know too. I trust them all. But no one knows the complete extent of it. One, the person closest to me, suspects it.
TW Really, really big TW, gods I hope this is ok... I just really want someone to know. Because no one really knows how often I just considered doing something very permanent, putting an end to everything... How close it has gotten. Nothing ever happened. But it got close, really close. And there are still a lot of those moments where the thoughts are there and I seriously consider it. Taking that into account sh doesn't seem too bad of an option. And that's the problem, no one sees it. I just go to school, talk to people like nothing ever happened (i just wanted at least someone to know~)
Thank you for the resources ~
~Feliks
(dw about your grammar, it's all really understandable, I could read it without problem)
@Liks4433
I'm truly glad you feel like this is a safe space for you.
I think I can understand.
Nobody knows about my self-harm, no one of my friends knows, exactly because I'm deeply scared of triggering them and if it would happen I would never forgive myself and I keep thinking "anyway, even if I tell them, then what? What could they do? Nothing! I'd just make them worry. Would make things worse". I think this is a lie, but it's a lie I keep believing.
Having yourself and only yourself to rely on especially when you actually need other people but you can't bring yourself to reach out sucks.
You know what? I know there are some specific things we cannot or not want to say to people. It's okay. It takes time. But you can still tell them generically you're not feeling good, you are struggling, that you might want to hang out, or that you need a hug., whatever. Maybe they'll be surprisingly supportive.
It happened to me. Some people can actually understand and you don't need to say much for them to get you.
Sometimes we will never know how much someone is hurting unless that person tells us themselves. That's the truth. We don't always have x-ray vision for pain. Sometimes we have to communicate, we need to make the first step, even if it's scary and painful.
Not everybody is going to get triggered, it's important and healthy that you are considerate about what you speak about, but don't let this be a wall behind where you can hide even more. Please.
How do you feel about that one person suspecting the extend of what you are going though?
I'm so glad you see a therapist and that you have these two people who are near you.
Knowing you feeel invisible it's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you feel like you don't exist and your pain is irrelevant compared to what other people go through, especially if these people are near you. Just because some things are less visible than others it doesn't mean they hurt less or don't exist. Still, it feels like it, right? And it hurts much. It breaks you in the inside.
You deserve to be seen, and to be heard. You deserve it. Just because you exist.
I'm glad the metaphor helps. I hope you'll remember it when you need it.
Thank you for the TW (here it's important also because everybody can read these words, not only me).
I want to reassure you: I'm fine and you did not trigger me.
Thank you for opening up. This must be really hard and complex. I cannot even imagine how tiring this is for you, keeping on living your life like these thoughts are not affecting you, but they do and they hurt. And this hurt is real. If you need to talk about this, I'm here and it's okay.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm proud of you because you are here, despite it all, because you are existing, and breathing. Thank you because you are not giving up.
I see you.
And I'm here with you.
- Sonne
Same here. I figure most people are better off not knowing. A lie I keep believing as well~
It does suck, especially when you don't want to talk but just be in the presence of someone who knows what's going on
That is true, I've made similar experiences. But it never feels safe enough to actually talk to them about what's going on. It never feels truly genuine. But you're right some people are surprisingly supportive
Thing is, I've gotten so used to doing exactly that. Hiding behind a wall, not saying everything, just brushing stuff off. Not lying, never really lying but also not ever telling the full truth of what's going on. Because that has seriously hurt someone before and I don't ever want to see that happening again. I'm used to managing my own pain, have done so long enough. I'd rather suffer myself than see someone else being in pain because of me.
I'm honestly scared that because of that they're doing bad. That they worry too much. But i guess it also kind of helps, they don't see nor know everything but I feel at least the tiniest bit more seen
Thank you for your words ~ it feels like it yes
You're welcome and I know, I try to be as careful as I can (so i guess another big TW at this point). One of the worst parts I think is getting triggered by things people say. Whenever that topic comes up, and for some reason it comes up a lot, those thoughts become very loud. Generally they're always there. I never really told anyone about them. Even on good days they're always there and it's really damn hard because it hurts like hell
Thank you, really, that means so much, you have no idea. If no one has ever told you before you are an amazing person ~
~Liks
ps: tw i guess? If I manage today I will have been clean for an entire week. That's longer than I have ever even come close to managing in weeks. It's only a few more hours and it's so damn hard to resist the urge. It hurts so much. But I struck a deal with myself (the deal: if I manage a week I'm allowed to get a helix earring, as a reminder) soo suffering through the pain it is
@Liks4433
Hey, how are you today? Did you manage to resist the urge?
Anyway, I'm so damn proud of you. Giving you a little gift when trying to stick to your goals it's a really nice thing to do.
Let me know how are you doing, please. I'll give you a better and longer reply tomorrow.
- Sonne
Heyy
I'm ok. I resisted the urge, made it to today. I managed one week and it still feels like I failed for some reason. Doesn't feel like an accomplishment, everything still hurts
Ok yes got to admit, that was the best idea I ever had. For some reason that motivation worked really well
I'm meh... ok. Could be worse, could also be better. I don't know. I'm internalizing my pain again, shutting everyone out. It kinda makes me feel safe.
K'" thanks for telling me, I'm really glad I can talk to you
~Liks
It's me again, days later (tw)
Lately I've been also feeling the urge just like in general. Sometimes there's absolutely nothing that triggers it and I'm completely ok and my mind will just go, you know what you could do now....... and I want to, in that moment I want to. It's weird
I really don't have any place else to go with this. So whoever takes the time to read all this, thank you
~Liks
@Liks4433
Hey, how are you now? Let me know.
I understand, it's exhausting having constant thoughts and urges to manage and when they come with no simple reason or identifiable trigger it's even much more scary and irritating.
If you need to vent or to talk about this, feel free to share your emotions and write a lot if you need to let things out. I can listen. You don't have to face this all alone. It's heavy, and I'm so sorry this is burdening you so much.
Are you able to talk about this with your therapist?
Pretty down again, dealing with ptsd has been really hard lately. I was clean for a week but I relapsed
It's not even scary... l don't really care anymore. It's just confusing and irritating. And the worst part is, it feels good. It's so weird.
Technically yes, I can talk to my therapist. It's just that the sessions haven't been costant lately, I only ever see her every few weeks
Thank you for listening ~
~Liks
@Liks4433
Oh, I'm sorry you cannot see your therapist much. Please let her know about your struggles.
Relapsing it though. Yeah. It is indeed confusing, you both feel good and bad and making sense with all of this emotions it's a hell. Relapsing makes sense due to the fact that you are going through a hard moment and you are trying to cope with the tools and strategies you have and know can work, which is self-harm. You are trying to take care of yourself. And it's okay, this doesn't make you a bad person. You deserve love always. But this does mean things aren't going well and you need to take care of yourself the best you can right now possibly staying safe. Please if you need support reach out.
I will~
Thank you for your words. It's really hard to take care of myself though. Really hard. I constantly mess up. I still don't feel like it's safe enough for me to feel better, to actually start healing. There's always that possibility of everything getting worse hanging over my head. At one point I actually let myself believe that everything would be ok. I let my defenses down and then it just got worse again. It doesn't feel safe yet
~Liks
@etharislight
Hey, how are you doing?
I understand. I felt similar to what you described in these past days and I'm so sorry you fear things will get worse (because it actually really happened) and this prevents you from feeling enough safe to be a bit serene and recover. It us frustrating. Like you cannot trust anything and anyone, not even yourself, maybe? It's okay if some days it's hard to stay safe.
Take if one day at a time, okay? You don't have to do anything bigger. Just the little next step ahead. You don't need to have everything already figured out. Anyway, nobody has it. You are trying so much and I'm so proud of you. Even when things get bad again it doesn't mean they won't get better again too. They will. Though I cannot even imagine how frightening this ituation is.
If you need to talk about something, we're here.
I send you a big hug
-Sonne
I'm getting by. My mood is really unpredictable, it changes constantly. One moment I'm fine, the next I'm not
It's exactly like you described. I don't feel like I can trust anything at the moment, not even myself. I'm really sorry you had (have?) to go through the same thing. I don't trust that a situation will stay good. Even when it is, in my mind it's only a matter of time before things get bad again. It all comes back to the trust issues
I will, am trying. One day at a time is basically the only thing I can manage right now. Thank you for your kind words. I honestly stopped believing that it will get better though. I know that there will be better times in the future and worse times too. It's not completely black and white. But looking at it longterm I don't see it getting better. I keep find myself thinking that I just want to give up. I don't want to do this anymore. Not that I know what giving up would actually entail, but a lot of times, pretty much every day, I want to. But thank you for believing it will get better, if I myself can't, then it's nice to know someone else believes. It's consoling ~
I send you a big hug back
~Liks
@etharislight
Hey, sorry for the late reply,
how are you? How have you been feeling? How it goes with the urges and PTSD and with therapist/friends?
I get that. It's hard, right? You cannot trust yourself and you cannot even trust your mood and it being unpredictable maybe makes you feel tired due to its perpetual flux or on the alert because who knows how you will feel I'm the next 10 minutes? It's like you cannot even take a little break from all these exhausting emotions and thoughts.
I'm sorry to know you feel like the future doesn't hold much in store for you and that you stopped believing it will get better in the long run. It would be easier to give up, yeah it makes sense you think this, you are going though so much dear, it's heavy, and it's getting harder and harder.
Rest when you need it and remember I'm here, I see you, and I'm cheering for you. I won't stop believing in you.
- Sonne
Wanting scars is normal for some self harmers I think. But from my own experience it's something I kinda regret now, as I'm stuck with multiple scars for life and it's obvious what they are given their locations. It causes a problem when it comes to work at times so bear in mind the long term consequences if you go down that route. No judgement here though, that'd be pretty hypocritical.
Trigger Warning
About 15 years ago I carved the word "FAILURE" into my skin and had to get a tattoo over it. I was told that the tattoo might not turn out ok due to the scar tissue but it ended up quite well. To cover up all my scars I'd need full arm sleeve tattoos but I don't have that.
Logically that makes absolutely sense. And the stupid thing is I know that. And I know summer will be hard if my marks do end up scarring at some point. I have a big problem with validating my own pain. So then it would make sense for scars to make my pain feel worthy and seen. I really appreciate your advice though. And I am very sorry you have to live with that now, it must be really hard~
~Liks