Welcome to my life. ( possible trigger warning.)
Hello. I'm not sure who will see this but it was suggested that I do this. Welcome to my life. It's a mess. I'm a perfectionist in a house of 9 people. One of my brothers and my dad tease me saying I have OCD. I don't have anyone I can talk too so the pressure just builds untill I blow. I've learnt to expect the worst so that I'll never be let down. I've learnt to hide the pain. I used to write songs to help me cope but then they were found. I was told to burn them and was called dramatic. I hear voices in my head. It is still my voice but I can't controll them. I often look out the window thinking that there has to be more to life than this. But, like the wind, you can see it but can never catch it. There is no one who understands me. I'm the black sheep in every group. It's a battle to get up every morning. Every battle has casualties and feel like I'm dieing bit by bit. My mind is such a mess that I don't even understand it sometimes. I could go on like this for awhile but it's starting to not make sense so I'll bring this to an end. Sorry to anyone who makes thier way through that mess of words.
I'm a thin kid with good ears. I can't stand my peers. I hear them behind my back. I'm starting to go of track. I can't stand the isolation. I can't stand all the frustration. Is it better to be alone? Having no one to call on the phone? Will this ever come to an end. Can I ever call someone my friend? Can I come out from behind this mask. This is one thing that I ask.
This is a song I made. Still rough but this has been playing through my head all day.
@Helpme10 that song is soo good. But I am sorry for the situation. Hey I can be your friend if you want. I am alone anyway. I was looking for people who might need me. You know like human interaction is what we need and it's soo basic. Maybe we can write songs together. Not that I am good in that. I can read songs. Keep writing.
I'm scared. The longer I'm like this the less I'm scared of death. I am not suicidal but I might get there.
I thought I hsd stopped letting people hurt me but I was wrong. I wince when someone I care about gets hurt. Why do I care more than they do? I'm a mess that I have learned to live with.
People say that there are rwo things certain in life death and taxes. I would like to add one more, pain. As long as my life continues there will be pain. It is my curse. The best I can do is try to ease other peoples pain. If this is fate then let it be.
@Helpme10 hey there, i have that same voice that i hear. it talks to me and tells me things but it's just my voice. well, it's my voice but not 100% my voice. it's someone different but it's me if that makes sense. anyway, i'd be happy to talk to you about anything you're going through. i love meeting new people and i would love to offer support if you'd be okay with that. i hope maybe today things are better <3
@juliet3
I would enjoy having you here. I created this thread so I could be able to speak freely. So if you want to know what's going on this will be the place to find me.
What you said about the voices makes perfect sence. I hear the same thing every day and I feel sorry for you.
@Helpme10 no need to feel sorry, im used to it by now. once i heard a mans voice which was a bit scary but now it's only the twisted version of my own voice. glad i can stay here and offer support :)
@juliet3
Just because your used to it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
@Helpme10
thats true but it's alright. i am lucky that my situation isn't worse. but enough about me, how are you doing?
@juliet3
It's ok if you don't know how to answer. You asking the question is what matters.
@Helpme10
youve done better than i have :p. good job! a little progress is still progress. i hope you're able to keep that streak. i totally forgot to introduce myself. i'm juliet, i'm 15, i'm pansexual, i SH, i'm quite depressed and anxious, and i have suicidal ideation. and you?
@juliet3
I'm 16. I've never been diagnosed with anything because my dad doesn't believe in psychology or mental illness. I'm certain I have deppresion (what else could this be?) and I have anxiety issues. I also sh and have fought with more than just suicidal ideation.
@Helpme10
ive never been diagnosed with that stuff but i know that i have them. i keep this all a secret from my family and only tell a few friends about it. i feel ashamed and weak mostly. i'm sorry your dad doesn't believe in this stuff. i have a guess as to what you mean by "more than suicidal ideation." i kind of just gave it a name. i am actually more suicidal tbh. i almost attempted a few months ago but my friend was there to help. i still think about that stuff every day. ugh depression sucks :(
@juliet3
I think your geuss is accurate. I have attempted. Please whatever you do, don't try.
@Helpme10
im sorry. that must've been really scary. i scare myself sometimes because of how much detail i go into when i'm daydreaming about what would happen if i you know. are you better now or still in the same place as when you attempted?
@juliet3
I would say I'n doing better because I'm not willing to try again. On the other hand I'm still struggling with lots of things. Overall, better, yes.
@Helpme10
thats so great that you're doing a bit better. any progress is still progress
im sorry you're still struggling with some things but i hope that your progress will just keep going up and up. you've got this!!
@juliet3
Thank you. I mean it, it's not just words.
@Helpme10
of course <3 it's so great and inspiring to see people actually getting better when sometimes it feels like i'll never get better. so thank you too
Some people are scared of the dark. Not me. I am more scared of the light. People can't see me crying in the dark. I can take a break from fighting my demons and let them roam. I love being in the dark. I don't have to be anyone and sometimes I sleep. My head and my heart are dark so why not match my surroundings to fit?
Hello. I came into this site to try to feel better also. Yours is the very first post I've read. It doesn't sound like a mess to me. It sounds like the kinds of struggles that some of us go through in our lives. I say some of us because it seems like some people are struggling as hard as other people are but that could be just because it's the outside and we can't see what a person is feeling on the inside. Whatever happens just don't give up. You can experience Joy, happiness, fun times, and feel better but not if we give up. Yes life does include pain but it also includes other good things too. sometimes we have to wait for those times to happen in the waiting seems agonizing but there are places like this place where we can talk about these things and it does help us cope with them. When I experience negative thinking in feelings or I am putting myself down in my thoughts my thinking or calling myself names or belittling my own self in my own thinking it can be really hard to get control of that sometimes. I tell myself to let those thoughts go and replace them with a positive thought and I tried to feel the positivity and experience the good that I feel from just dwelling in a positive thought even if it's not the reality that I'm experiencing right now it's still my reality in my head. It does help to try to make myself think positively and I do feel relief when I take control of myself in that way. I know how it can seem that everything depends on what other people say or what other people do or what other people think but that is not true it really does matter what I think and what you think about our own selves. We have to be our own best friend. We have to build ourselves up with positive thoughts affirmations telling ourselves that we can do and be good and feel good. I know it can be hard to take control of our thinking especially when other things are happening around us and it makes us have pain or feel sadness but with perseverance and continued demand on my own self to push out the negative thoughts and keep positive thinking happening in my own head it does help to lessen what others can possibly cause me pain by. I hope that you begin to try positive affirmations and positive thinking even if it feels silly continue to do it even if you can stand in the bathroom mirror where no one's around and look at yourself and tell yourself positive things it's really important to love yourself as much as you can. I hope things begin to feel better and that this idea of thinking positively becomes a habit for you keep trying and don't give up. Eye Care we don't have to know each other to care about each other it's okay I send you a big hug
Keep letting this stuff out. The way you decribe what you are going thru and your feelings paints a picture for us & helps us understand. Just keep letting this out. It will help you and is therapy in itself
Feeling lonly is terrible but there is still something worse. Being abandoned. This makes you feel lonly and betrayed. The people you once relied on have broken your trust and it makes it hard to trust again. You can't tell someone your pain because your scared they'll tell you it's not real or logicall. There is a french saying translated "the heart has it's reasons that the head knows not."
Anxiety and deppresion are a cycle. You are deppresed so you don't pay attention and you make a mistake. This can be anything from putting your shoes on the wrong feet to tripping over your tongue. Anxiety makes this way bigger then it is and make you more deppresed than you already are. Knowing that it is this way doesn't help though. The voices are constant and I can't ignore them. Even though I know they lead to destruction I still believe them. My mistake may not be as large as it seems, but how big is it accually? Not knowing how big it is is almosg as bad as thinking it's huge.
There once was a time that I had dreams. It's been so long that it feels like a dream now. I had hopes for the future and people I could talk to about what I would like to do. But people change and people leave. Those people I once trusted are gone with no one to take their place. I see four walls with people in between but no one I can talk to. My thoughts are confined to my head and not allowed to escape. This is the only place I can be me without being shot down. My mind is a battle field with no allies. Me against me. Me against the world.
