Welcome to my life. ( possible trigger warning.)

@Helpme10 hey, I can't say I completely understand you. But I think you don't deserve this pain. I don't think anyone deserve any kind of pain. I came here looking for people to talk about me. My pain and my life. But I understood a lot of people are hurting right now. I don't know why I am writing this to you. But I care about you stranger. I know it doesn't make sense because I don't even know you well. But the thing is there is always a life outside when you look through that window. I know, I will also feel so strange when people approach me like they know me. But hey, we all are imperfect. Also, those weren't mess, your words. At least I think so. Don't be sad. Everything will be fine. That's what I say to myself. And obviously don't be angry on me. I am just a stupid girl from the other side of the world. Take care.

@Haestel5862

I understand. I won't be mad.

P.s. where are you from? Are you really from around the world? ( not doubting just curious.)

@Helpme10 well.. I am sure I am from the other side of world if you aren't Asian. I am South Asian.

@Helpme10

Somehow I can understand what you're feeling...

I'm a thin kid with good ears. I can't stand my peers. I hear them behind my back. I'm starting to go of track. I can't stand the isolation. I can't stand all the frustration. Is it better to be alone? Having no one to call on the phone? Will this ever come to an end. Can I ever call someone my friend? Can I come out from behind this mask. This is one thing that I ask.

This is a song I made. Still rough but this has been playing through my head all day.

@Helpme10 that song is soo good. But I am sorry for the situation. Hey I can be your friend if you want. I am alone anyway. I was looking for people who might need me. You know like human interaction is what we need and it's soo basic. Maybe we can write songs together. Not that I am good in that. I can read songs. Keep writing.

@Haestel5862 Thank you. Is it strange to be friends and be on opposite sides of the planet?

@Haestel5862 Writing more songs won't be a problem. I've almost always have something running through my head.

I'm scared. The longer I'm like this the less I'm scared of death. I am not suicidal but I might get there.

I thought I hsd stopped letting people hurt me but I was wrong. I wince when someone I care about gets hurt. Why do I care more than they do? I'm a mess that I have learned to live with.

People say that there are rwo things certain in life death and taxes. I would like to add one more, pain. As long as my life continues there will be pain. It is my curse. The best I can do is try to ease other peoples pain. If this is fate then let it be.

@Helpme10 hey there, i have that same voice that i hear. it talks to me and tells me things but it's just my voice. well, it's my voice but not 100% my voice. it's someone different but it's me if that makes sense. anyway, i'd be happy to talk to you about anything you're going through. i love meeting new people and i would love to offer support if you'd be okay with that. i hope maybe today things are better <3

@juliet3

I would enjoy having you here. I created this thread so I could be able to speak freely. So if you want to know what's going on this will be the place to find me.

What you said about the voices makes perfect sence. I hear the same thing every day and I feel sorry for you.

@Helpme10 no need to feel sorry, im used to it by now. once i heard a mans voice which was a bit scary but now it's only the twisted version of my own voice. glad i can stay here and offer support :)

@juliet3

Just because your used to it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

@Helpme10

thats true but it's alright. i am lucky that my situation isn't worse. but enough about me, how are you doing?

@juliet3

To be honest, detached. I feel like I'm watching my life rather than living it.

@Helpme10

i get what that feels like. i don't feel in control of anything atm. i relapsed the other day (when i relapse it usually goes on for about a week) and i haven't told my friends. have you been able to stay clean?

@juliet3

Not for long. I'm almost scab free right now. The longest is probably two weeks.

@juliet3

It's ok if you don't know how to answer. You asking the question is what matters.

@Helpme10

youve done better than i have :p. good job! a little progress is still progress. i hope you're able to keep that streak. i totally forgot to introduce myself. i'm juliet, i'm 15, i'm pansexual, i SH, i'm quite depressed and anxious, and i have suicidal ideation. and you?

@juliet3

I'm 16. I've never been diagnosed with anything because my dad doesn't believe in psychology or mental illness. I'm certain I have deppresion (what else could this be?) and I have anxiety issues. I also sh and have fought with more than just suicidal ideation.

@Helpme10

ive never been diagnosed with that stuff but i know that i have them. i keep this all a secret from my family and only tell a few friends about it. i feel ashamed and weak mostly. i'm sorry your dad doesn't believe in this stuff. i have a guess as to what you mean by "more than suicidal ideation." i kind of just gave it a name. i am actually more suicidal tbh. i almost attempted a few months ago but my friend was there to help. i still think about that stuff every day. ugh depression sucks :(

@juliet3

I think your geuss is accurate. I have attempted. Please whatever you do, don't try.

@Helpme10

im sorry. that must've been really scary. i scare myself sometimes because of how much detail i go into when i'm daydreaming about what would happen if i you know. are you better now or still in the same place as when you attempted?

@juliet3

I would say I'n doing better because I'm not willing to try again. On the other hand I'm still struggling with lots of things. Overall, better, yes.

@Helpme10

thats so great that you're doing a bit better. any progress is still progress

im sorry you're still struggling with some things but i hope that your progress will just keep going up and up. you've got this!!

@juliet3

Thank you. I mean it, it's not just words.

@Helpme10

of course <3 it's so great and inspiring to see people actually getting better when sometimes it feels like i'll never get better. so thank you too

Some people are scared of the dark. Not me. I am more scared of the light. People can't see me crying in the dark. I can take a break from fighting my demons and let them roam. I love being in the dark. I don't have to be anyone and sometimes I sleep. My head and my heart are dark so why not match my surroundings to fit?

Hello. I came into this site to try to feel better also. Yours is the very first post I've read. It doesn't sound like a mess to me. It sounds like the kinds of struggles that some of us go through in our lives. I say some of us because it seems like some people are struggling as hard as other people are but that could be just because it's the outside and we can't see what a person is feeling on the inside. Whatever happens just don't give up. You can experience Joy, happiness, fun times, and feel better but not if we give up. Yes life does include pain but it also includes other good things too. sometimes we have to wait for those times to happen in the waiting seems agonizing but there are places like this place where we can talk about these things and it does help us cope with them. When I experience negative thinking in feelings or I am putting myself down in my thoughts my thinking or calling myself names or belittling my own self in my own thinking it can be really hard to get control of that sometimes. I tell myself to let those thoughts go and replace them with a positive thought and I tried to feel the positivity and experience the good that I feel from just dwelling in a positive thought even if it's not the reality that I'm experiencing right now it's still my reality in my head. It does help to try to make myself think positively and I do feel relief when I take control of myself in that way. I know how it can seem that everything depends on what other people say or what other people do or what other people think but that is not true it really does matter what I think and what you think about our own selves. We have to be our own best friend. We have to build ourselves up with positive thoughts affirmations telling ourselves that we can do and be good and feel good. I know it can be hard to take control of our thinking especially when other things are happening around us and it makes us have pain or feel sadness but with perseverance and continued demand on my own self to push out the negative thoughts and keep positive thinking happening in my own head it does help to lessen what others can possibly cause me pain by. I hope that you begin to try positive affirmations and positive thinking even if it feels silly continue to do it even if you can stand in the bathroom mirror where no one's around and look at yourself and tell yourself positive things it's really important to love yourself as much as you can. I hope things begin to feel better and that this idea of thinking positively becomes a habit for you keep trying and don't give up. Eye Care we don't have to know each other to care about each other it's okay I send you a big hug

Keep letting this stuff out. The way you decribe what you are going thru and your feelings paints a picture for us & helps us understand. Just keep letting this out. It will help you and is therapy in itself

Feeling lonly is terrible but there is still something worse. Being abandoned. This makes you feel lonly and betrayed. The people you once relied on have broken your trust and it makes it hard to trust again. You can't tell someone your pain because your scared they'll tell you it's not real or logicall. There is a french saying translated "the heart has it's reasons that the head knows not."

Anxiety and deppresion are a cycle. You are deppresed so you don't pay attention and you make a mistake. This can be anything from putting your shoes on the wrong feet to tripping over your tongue. Anxiety makes this way bigger then it is and make you more deppresed than you already are. Knowing that it is this way doesn't help though. The voices are constant and I can't ignore them. Even though I know they lead to destruction I still believe them. My mistake may not be as large as it seems, but how big is it accually? Not knowing how big it is is almosg as bad as thinking it's huge.

There once was a time that I had dreams. It's been so long that it feels like a dream now. I had hopes for the future and people I could talk to about what I would like to do. But people change and people leave. Those people I once trusted are gone with no one to take their place. I see four walls with people in between but no one I can talk to. My thoughts are confined to my head and not allowed to escape. This is the only place I can be me without being shot down. My mind is a battle field with no allies. Me against me. Me against the world.

@mytwistedsoul

You told me I can tag you and I just remembered to. Sorry for doing it so late.

@Helpme10 Hey :) thanks for the tag - its ok I didn't mean to make you feel pressured or anything - how are you today?

Internalizing your pain becomes a defence mechanism. I wish I had someone who I could take the mask of for. There are some people I know who don't understand why I don't tell them anything anymore. Lets see if this explanation makes sense. Every time you see through a crack in my mask you shoot me down and tell me not to be a baby. Is it really that complicated?

Whu are you trying to play my heart strings. Why can't you see that it stings. How can you act like everything is alright? When all we ever do is fight. I thought that you should know. At one point you were my hero. But I guess that people change. Don't you think it's kind of strange. That your often a guest in my nightmares. Right beside the ogres and the bears. You don't care so why pretend? I just want this pain to end. And you don't care so why this game? Nothing will ever be the same. And your so blind, you can't see. You're the one that's killing me! (Part of a song I wrote)

You say you love me. I don't believe it. You tear me down and call me names and then wonder why I get upset. You don't understand me and don't take the time to. You get upset that I don't hug you goodnight when last time I tried yoi smacked me around. You say you love me and I can talk to you about anything but then you tel me I'm stupid and ignorant. You've changed. I used to be able to tell you about my nightmares and now I can't even tell you That I outgrew my clothes. Why do you keep trying to tell me about your love? Your actions speak louder then your words and they say you don't care. I'm not a little kid that will jump in your arms if you say sorry anymore. You don't even say sorry anymore. I miss the person you used to be. I want that father back again.