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The sky was dark as night as I pulled out of the driveway the morning of November 8th, 2018. The constant sound of exploding propane tanks and aresol cans echoed throughout the trees. The pieces of ash and burning embers falling from the sky sounded like heavy rain falling on the ivy outside the house. I turned to look to the right and the fire was 4 houses away. A herd of deer ran in front of the truck followed by a man yelling "Get out! It's right there!". I vomitted, then I urinated in my pants from adrenaline I had pumping through my body. I knew I had a mission and that mission was to get my elderly, disabled mother, my dog and I out of the fire alive. I would accept nothing less.
Since I had never drove a truck before I had learn the gears and get us moving forward. I also could not figure out how to turn on the headlights. Finally, we were on our way out. A 13 mile trip took us 3 1/2 hours to reach safety.
Today, I am not the same person as I was November 7th, 2018 and I will never be the same person. In a matter of hours my life was flipped upside down without any warning at all.
The sight of running deer, a telephone pole, an Amazon Fresh grocery bag can all throw me into a panic attack. All these were key things in my escape. I call it my "escape" because we got no evacuation orders. We did not evacuate, we escaped.
I associate any explosion I hear with the sound of propane tanks exploding. When I hear raindrops hitting plants, I panic. The smoke from controlled burn piles, the sound of a fire in the fireplace, the orange glow the sun sometimes casts, all can throw me into a panic attack.
I have never been so afraid in my life as I was that morning. I believe my brain has not let me feel the reality of what happened to protect me so I can learn to move on. Today, I can no longer picture my future, where I will be in 1 year, 2 years, 3 years. My mother's house was always my plan B. If I was ever facing homelessness or needed to get away for whatever reason, my Mom's house was where I'd go. Now, I have no Plan B. I feel everything in life is unstable now...like I could loose everything all in a split second again. I feel lost constantly. Not knowing if I am on the right path or a path headed for disaster.
I find it hard to make decisions now. I've become forgetful of the easiest things I need to remember. I've become very spontaneous now which is the opposite of what I was like before the fire. I believe because I looked death in the face that morning I see life a little differently than others. This has resulted in me making reckless decisions wanting to experience everything in life and thinking circumstances could not be worse than what I have already been through.
For 4 months after the fire I did not wash or brush my hair. I did not care at all about my appearance. When I did finally wash my hair I remember black residue from the smoke washing off in the water. It has taken a lot to care for my appearance again. The way I look, my weight and my health have all been a struggle for me to care about again.
This has all effected my confidence and how I see myself. I am not as proud of myself as I was before the fire. I do not feel anything is solid and I have a hard time counting on things. My glass has become half empty when it used to be half full no matter what I was going through. I no longer know if I will be OK in life. I doubt even myself.
I used to sleep like a rock. Now I have night terrors and wake up in hysterics, sweating and terrified. Even while I'm awake and I know it was just a dream all day long it feels like I'm in a movie and life is not real. Everything is surreal and I feel depressed throughout the entire day. Luckily, these night terrors have slowly become less frequent. I now have them about 2-3 times a month. I have also started sleepwalking and talking in my sleep which I did not do before the fire.
I am heartbroken. I lost my fiance of almost 12 years because of this fire. He rescued my sister and her whole family from the fire, broke his back and ended up in hospitals all over the Bay Area finally ending up in Gilroy. He was forced to move to Texas which ended our relationship. This was my soulmate, my high school crush and now because of the fire I may never see him again. Now I am alone.
Every single keepsake, heirloom and souvenir I have accumulated throughout my life is gone. All I worked so hard to get is gone. I tell people "I used to have things" with great sadness. Everything I owned and held importance to me is gone. Now I can fit all I own in a linen closet. I hold no importance to anything anymore. I fear the pain of losing everything again.
I am currently seeking counseling. After the fire I started a popular Facebook group for Survivors to freely talk about what is going on in their heads. It has been great therapy for so many people including myself. However, my roommates have convinced me I need professional help for PTSD. My roommates (my "Angels" I call them) have been with me over a year now. They have watched me struggle then grow, struggle then grow, over and over. Without their love and support....I would not have made it this far.
In conclusion and in my opinion, my head is all messed up since the fire. The last time I think my head was right was during our escape from the fire. I was forced into saving lives. All I know is I was getting us out alive. I would accept nothing less.
