Not ready to recover?

@twm i feel the same way i dont want to stop its wats always there for me when i need it. It calms me its a breath of freah air i did stop for a couple yrs and it was a daily struggle felt like torture and. What was the reason i put my self through that ? To make others feel better? To make them feel more comfortable? i have no idea ! I know its wrong becuz its so frowned upon but i just cant see my life with out it and i have no idea where this will go ive cut for 21 yrs its apart of me 🤷🤷🤦😑😞 i just dont know

Hello there @THAT1GURL

It sounds like you have been self-harming for many years. I want you to know that even though you have done it for many years, recovery is still possible! I know it might seem impossible, but there are ways to stop in spite of long you have had this addiction. The resources tab on the self-harm recovery subcommunity front page has a list of healthy coping skills that you could benefit from. Therapy would also be a good option if you have access to it. If not, chatting with a listener is always another option :) Stay strong!

Hello @twm

It sounds like you don't feel ready to let go of self-harm. That's ok. Many people are hesitant to give up because they find that it helps them. While it might seem like it helps, it won't work as a long-term solution. I'm not going to force you to overcome this though. The only way to begin the recovery process is to want to overcome your addiction. I am however going to ask that you just think about recovery. You don't have to do anything, just consider the thought.

Thanks for staying strong <3

@SnailPurple thanks for your advice. Maybe another part of the problem is that it is by now such a part of me I don't even know who I am without it. It seems like if I "recovered" there would be nothing left. The same is true with underlying reasons... Without those feelings that I've had all my life, who am I even? This is why I'm confused and why it's understandable that doctors and counselors don't know what to say. But maybe this isn't such an uncommon situation and maybe someone has a helpful way of looking at it. Sorry to be a pain... It would be much nicer to ask a simple question with a simple answer.

@twm

I promise you are not a pain, I really don't mind talking to you <3

A lot of people feel like their pain or struggles are a part of their identity, which can make recovery scary. In some sense, it almost feels like you are losing a part of yourself. You can create a new identity, though. Think about what you like to do or what you would be interested in. For example, what kind of music do you like? Do you like to read? Are there any clubs you are in or would like to join? It might take some trial and error and it will take time, but you can discover a new identity for yourself :)

@SnailPurple I suppose that if I reinvented myself it might be interesting to be, perhaps, a junkie?

Hello again @twm

If you mean junkie as in a drug addict, then I don't recommend it. The last thing you want to do is recover from a self-harm addiction and then develop a drug addiction. Maybe you could find a harmless activity to do or a relaxing club :)

@SnailPurple I'm really sorry if it seems like I'm just being disagreeable. I've been depressed for a long time. It is very hard to imagine alternative futures. If you manage to get by day after day without a real crisis, then people would say you're doing just fine and that's about the most you can expect.

@twm

I understand; it can be hard to convey exactly what you mean over text/forum post since you can't hear the person's tone or see their face. I know you aren't trying to come across as disagreeable :)

How are you? Are you doing ok?

@SnailPurple ok, well here is where it gets complicated. I'm feeling better than I have in ages because there's this girl... I mean it's platonic but I'm going to Europe to meet her and just hang out. She makes me feel so good but I don't know if this can ever end well and I am not looking forward to what will happen when it all comes crashing down. But for right now, in this moment, things are good. And i don't want to go back to how it was.

@twm

I'm so happy you get to go to Europe to see your friend! That sounds really cool. As for it ending badly, I wouldn't say that just yet. Yes, it is a long-distance relationship. However, as long as you both put effort into the friendship, it will last :)

@SnailPurple except it's complicated...

@twm

Would you like to talk about it? You don't have to if you don't want to :)

@SnailPurple okay - that might be good. i don't think that getting additional insight is in any way bad necessarily.

@twm

Let's talk then :) Share with me whats on your mind (if you are ok with sharing it)

@SnailPurple like here or in a chat thing?

@twm

I can't have a one-on-one chat with you since you are an adult and I'm a teen. If you feel comfortable talking here than we can or you can find an adult listener and chat privately with them.

@SnailPurple I didn't realize that but it makes perfect sense. So I'm not sure I can discuss everything here but I'm sure there are some things I can say that might be helpful or provide some insight. But some things are complicated in ways I never imagined.

@twm

Feel free to tell me anything you feel comfortable with <3

(I'm sorry for the late reply, it's not that I don't want to chat with you. I just have not had time to be on 7Cups for long periods of time)

@SnailPurple nothing releases dopamine quite like love and SI, certainly not healthy coping strategies

@twm

Maybe you could find something to make you happy. What were you into before you started to lose interest in the things you used to like?

@SnailPurple I used to play the piano but stopped maybe 8 years ago

@twm

I used to play the piano too! How would you feel about trying it again?

@SnailPurple maybe some day.

@twm

I'm glad you are thinking about it <3

@SnailPurple I have a lot I should be thankful for. I'm sorry.

@twm

Don't apologize! People, in general, tend to take things for granted, me included. Setting aside time to be thankful is something everyone should do regardless of their situation.

I hate my stupid monkey brain but unfortunately it's the only one I've got.

March 5, 2015 was also a Thursday and it was the day that I started to SI after not even thinking about it for years and years and it seems like in that one instant my life changed completely and has never been the same since.

@twm

It sounds like you have been dealing with this for a long time without any professional support, is this true?

@SnailPurple

No - I saw a psychiatrist and three counselors but they all kind of just dumped me so now I just see my gp.

@twm

I see, thank you for the clarification. How would you feel about finding a longterm listener who has first hand experience with self-harm?

@SnailPurple

I've talked with lots of people who have first-hand exprience with self harm and I've read a lot of research on the subject. Like the groups at Guelph and McGill seem to be doing an okay job approaching the subject without very many preconceived ideas and maybe have made some progress in at least dispelling some of the myths. I mean, I'm willing to try and maybe we (ie, me and whoever) both can learn some stuff, but I feel like it's not necessarily important. It's just sort of part of who I am now - it doesn't really bother me when it happens and everything else that contributes to it is kind of complicated.

@twm

Do you feel interested in recovering?

@SnailPurple

I think so maybe some times, but I don't think I feel that way today, or maybe I just don't feel like I care one way or the other anymore. It's sort of hard to care about anything really. Like for example, on Sunday Feb 24, 2019 I totalled a car, but the my biggest concern at the time was wondering "why don't I give a shit? Shouldn't I be even a little bit upset?" So I'm not really sure I know how to answer the question. I wish I could say enthusiastically yes or no, but I just can't.

But I'm pretty sure I don't want to today

@twm

That's ok, you can start recovering whenever you feel ready :) 7Cups has a self-help guide on motivation, maybe that could help you jumpstart your road to recovery?

For me it's the only way I know I'm alive and not just going through a lot of pain and I'm still here waiting for the day when I don't have to be here

Hey there @Overflowing103

It sounds like you are having a crisis right now. 7Cups is not equipped to handle crises. Please reach out to a suicide prevention hotline. I know life may seem unbearable right now, but I promise it gets better. Please don't forget that you are loved and important. This world would not be the same without you <3

7Cups Crisis Policy and Resources

@twm I know doctors and therapists wants us to stop self harming, but I can't let go of that quick release I get, when I do it. I rarely do it anymore, BUT if it helps me (and I'm not endangering myself by doing it) I do it. It helps me when I feel sad or stressed or whatever, but I don't want to stop doing it either.

There IS situations were I shouldn't do it. Like if I feel like I need to punish myself for something. Like maybe binge eating, not working out that kind of stuff. That's a situation were I shouldn't do it. But for stress relief I do it, bc it helps, and nothing helps like self harming, sadly.

So I don't think there is anything wrong with having that copingmechanism if it helps, and you don't do it and cut "too deep". If it's just a little cut, it's not much worse than cooking and cutting yourself accidentaly. And that you can survive. So not wanting to give it up, I fully understand!