Not ready to recover?
I've been confused for a long time. This is supposed to be bad but I honestly don't want to give it up. One counselor asked if it helped and I had to say yes, but still - it's not like this is something I would wish on anyone else. And realistically, what can anyone say or do to change anything? Doctors just seem to want to avoid any discussion and then suggest trying rubber bands which seems so naive. I had to get stitches recently and they were all concerned and stuff but beyond the technical aspects of fixing me up, there's nothing they can do, obviously. I don't count the days I'm clean anymore. The biggest disincentive is someone finding out but that just gets frustrating. So anyway, where am I supposed to go from here? People say it doesn't have to be something you live with for the rest of your life, but idk...
Hello @twm
It sounds like you don't feel ready to let go of self-harm. That's ok. Many people are hesitant to give up because they find that it helps them. While it might seem like it helps, it won't work as a long-term solution. I'm not going to force you to overcome this though. The only way to begin the recovery process is to want to overcome your addiction. I am however going to ask that you just think about recovery. You don't have to do anything, just consider the thought.
Thanks for staying strong <3
@SnailPurple thanks for your advice. Maybe another part of the problem is that it is by now such a part of me I don't even know who I am without it. It seems like if I "recovered" there would be nothing left. The same is true with underlying reasons... Without those feelings that I've had all my life, who am I even? This is why I'm confused and why it's understandable that doctors and counselors don't know what to say. But maybe this isn't such an uncommon situation and maybe someone has a helpful way of looking at it. Sorry to be a pain... It would be much nicer to ask a simple question with a simple answer.
@twm
I promise you are not a pain, I really don't mind talking to you <3
A lot of people feel like their pain or struggles are a part of their identity, which can make recovery scary. In some sense, it almost feels like you are losing a part of yourself. You can create a new identity, though. Think about what you like to do or what you would be interested in. For example, what kind of music do you like? Do you like to read? Are there any clubs you are in or would like to join? It might take some trial and error and it will take time, but you can discover a new identity for yourself :)
@SnailPurple I suppose that if I reinvented myself it might be interesting to be, perhaps, a junkie?
Hello again @twm
If you mean junkie as in a drug addict, then I don't recommend it. The last thing you want to do is recover from a self-harm addiction and then develop a drug addiction. Maybe you could find a harmless activity to do or a relaxing club :)
@SnailPurple I'm really sorry if it seems like I'm just being disagreeable. I've been depressed for a long time. It is very hard to imagine alternative futures. If you manage to get by day after day without a real crisis, then people would say you're doing just fine and that's about the most you can expect.
@twm
I understand; it can be hard to convey exactly what you mean over text/forum post since you can't hear the person's tone or see their face. I know you aren't trying to come across as disagreeable :)
How are you? Are you doing ok?
@SnailPurple ok, well here is where it gets complicated. I'm feeling better than I have in ages because there's this girl... I mean it's platonic but I'm going to Europe to meet her and just hang out. She makes me feel so good but I don't know if this can ever end well and I am not looking forward to what will happen when it all comes crashing down. But for right now, in this moment, things are good. And i don't want to go back to how it was.
@twm
I'm so happy you get to go to Europe to see your friend! That sounds really cool. As for it ending badly, I wouldn't say that just yet. Yes, it is a long-distance relationship. However, as long as you both put effort into the friendship, it will last :)
@SnailPurple except it's complicated...
@twm
Would you like to talk about it? You don't have to if you don't want to :)
@SnailPurple okay - that might be good. i don't think that getting additional insight is in any way bad necessarily.
@twm
Let's talk then :) Share with me whats on your mind (if you are ok with sharing it)
@SnailPurple like here or in a chat thing?
@twm
I can't have a one-on-one chat with you since you are an adult and I'm a teen. If you feel comfortable talking here than we can or you can find an adult listener and chat privately with them.
@SnailPurple I didn't realize that but it makes perfect sense. So I'm not sure I can discuss everything here but I'm sure there are some things I can say that might be helpful or provide some insight. But some things are complicated in ways I never imagined.
@twm
Feel free to tell me anything you feel comfortable with <3
(I'm sorry for the late reply, it's not that I don't want to chat with you. I just have not had time to be on 7Cups for long periods of time)
@SnailPurple nothing releases dopamine quite like love and SI, certainly not healthy coping strategies
@twm
Maybe you could find something to make you happy. What were you into before you started to lose interest in the things you used to like?
@SnailPurple I used to play the piano but stopped maybe 8 years ago
@twm
I used to play the piano too! How would you feel about trying it again?
For me it's the only way I know I'm alive and not just going through a lot of pain and I'm still here waiting for the day when I don't have to be here
Hey there @Overflowing103
It sounds like you are having a crisis right now. 7Cups is not equipped to handle crises. Please reach out to a suicide prevention hotline. I know life may seem unbearable right now, but I promise it gets better. Please don't forget that you are loved and important. This world would not be the same without you <3
@twm I know doctors and therapists wants us to stop self harming, but I can't let go of that quick release I get, when I do it. I rarely do it anymore, BUT if it helps me (and I'm not endangering myself by doing it) I do it. It helps me when I feel sad or stressed or whatever, but I don't want to stop doing it either.
There IS situations were I shouldn't do it. Like if I feel like I need to punish myself for something. Like maybe binge eating, not working out that kind of stuff. That's a situation were I shouldn't do it. But for stress relief I do it, bc it helps, and nothing helps like self harming, sadly.
So I don't think there is anything wrong with having that copingmechanism if it helps, and you don't do it and cut "too deep". If it's just a little cut, it's not much worse than cooking and cutting yourself accidentaly. And that you can survive. So not wanting to give it up, I fully understand!
@EvilRegalsReadToo thank you... Its nice to know that I'm not alone, and this seems like something that isn't widely recognized as being a thing. It's not the same as being pro-SI and it's not the same as being anti-recovery, but given that SI isn't usually the main issue I think it makes sense. I'm happy to have it when I need it and I'm also happy that I don't need it as often as I used to. I just don't think it will ever be gone, but I'm kind of okay with that and it's not something I stress out about anymore.