TW//// Sort of a sh diary; questions, thoughts, recovery, etc. ❤️🩹
So I think writing these things down and asking questions that some of u might be able to answer will help me a bit. The main thing is, I don’t know why I should stop. It doesn’t even hurt me that much, the cuts are thin and never deep because I don’t have anything I could use (my friends took my sharpest things). I know they’re lovely friends because they care, but honestly don’t know why I should stop. It only hurts me, anyway. And it doesn’t even hurt most of the time. I’ve read lists of reasons to stop but they don’t seem to give me reason to, it just all seems a bit pointless. I’m awful ik, but seriously why should I stop?
Dance might be an answer; I feel so bad because can’t find way to hide them when wearing leotards at dance. But honestly there is no answer to that, I just gotta deal with it and answer any questions asked. My parents already know; what’s the worst that can happen? So I really don’t see why I should stop. Makes me horrible, I know. And I feel extra bad cos for some messed up reason I like seeing the scars on my arms 😖 sometimes they make me feel sick to look at tho, it depends.
Sorry that’s quite long, it’s fine if nobody reads it I suppose. If someone does tho, just…. idk. Idk what to do. Anything anyone could say would be lovely❤️
@Phoenix1234theythem yk i can fr relate to this like alot like my only motivator is that i have to hide it also i get what u mean by feeling sick when u see it i do alot..... but i mean at least u got smth to give u some motivation i fr hope u to best in recovering
@Sebastian0o0
😭❤️thank u sebb just i don’t rlly have motivation anymore, starting not to care whether ppl see because what are they gonna do bout it? tell parents? they already know
@Phoenix1234theythem hmm i mean if this will help idk but like how do u think your life would improve if u quit?
@Sebastian0o0
idek at this point 😭 sorry
@Phoenix1234theythem ill try to help u think of smth like for me personally the tw---- urges are very distracting which makes it so i cant focus in class, ummm i cant think of anymore but also at the end of the it is an addiction and addictions are no good
@Phoenix1234theythem don’t feel bad about liking seeing scars and sometimes not. I was very similar in that regard I wanted the scars and I sometimes would go out of my way to make sure I scarred. But I do want you to know that you are loved. You clearly have friends that are concerned for your safety. But if you want my story as to why I wanted to stop, over 8 years ago actually, was because I knew I was not in a good state of mind but more importantly because I saw how it affected those closest to me, I felt guilty for making them sad at something that I wanted to use to only punish myself or make me feel something. But I also later learned that feeling guilty for my loved one’s sadness was the last thing they wanted because they knew I was hurting even if it didn’t feel like it to me at the time. I hope this helps, and I am happy to be here for you.
@affectionateNorth7484
thank you so much :) yes it does help a bit❤️
That's great to hear! You're doing amazing! As for bringing a friend, that is up to you on what you feel comfortable with doing. It takes a lot of self awareness to know how you might respond to have a friend present. Once you send it, let me know and we can talk strategies to help in the mean time.
@affectionateNorth7484
thanks! :) I sent it, but am going to sleep soon so will reply tmrw morning, thanks again tho :)
Of course, get some sleep. You’ve done amazing work today! You should be proud of yourself. I’m proud of you!
@Phoenix1234theythem
How are you doing today? I hope you’re feeling good. You did great work yesterday.
I do have one question. If you don’t know why you should stop, then do you know why you should continue?
@affectionateNorth7484
good question.. because it doesn’t actually hurt, it relieves some of the heaviness I feel n makes me feel something besides plain bad on the inside..
Okay, thank you for telling me. Your openness is a sign of just how strong 💪 you are. I often felt that self harm would achieve a similar effect for me at times when I was going through it years ago.
Do you have any mental health professionals that you are currently seeming help from, or are on a waitlist for?
@affectionateNorth7484
the school counsellor but idk how much i can tell her.. might have to write a letter
Why do you feel like you are limited in what you can tell her?
@affectionateNorth7484
its difficult and scary.. I do want to tell her tho, I just don’t see her till Thursday and honestly so much could happen between now n then
It is perfectly valid to find reaching out very difficult and scary. It takes a lot to be open about your feelings and problems even as a fully grown adult I still find it hard at times. But I want you to know that you are loved and supported. ❤️ You deserve to feel safe and secure when asking for help. And, I know that you have the strength in you to do it.
I have two potential ways that might be able to help you reach out to her, and can make things easier for you, if you would like. But I also want to ask if you are able to email your high school counselor or any other methods of communication you may have with her.
@affectionateNorth7484
thank youuuu :)))) could u tell me the 2 things? and yea I can email her, just haven’t before tho she said i can❤️
That’s great that she has expressed being open to receiving emails from you! That means that she is interested in helping you and may even make her happy to hear from you.
The first idea I had was employing the help of a friend. It seems like you have great friends that truly do love ❤️ you and care about your wellbeing. You can ask a friend to accompany you to the meeting you have with the counselor on Thursday. But if you find sending the email to the counselor hard as well, you can ask a friend to send it for you either by having them write and send what you tell them, by simply sending them the email with the instruction to send it to the counselor for you, or tell them to click the send button. Also, if you feel like you might be burdening your friends by asking this of them let me tell you that you aren’t. Simply asking a friend to forward an email for you takes like two seconds. As for having a friend accompany you to your meeting or having them write and send what you want to say, they will likely be very happy 😄 to have you reach out to them for assistance. It shows that you trust them and are willing to be open with them. Doing this can really help deepen your relationship with them.❤️
As for the second idea, I can help you draft the email right here and we can talk about how you feel about sending it. I will be right by your side the whole time. Your wellbeing is important and seeking help is a brave and important step. And I’d be glad to lend you all the support 🤝 I can.
@affectionateNorth7484
wow thank you so much🥹♥️u don’t have to do this yknow
also the meeting w counsellor is during school so whichever friend would probably just be glad to miss a class lol
i love writing so ima try to draft the email by myself but i can get back to u when it’s done :) tho maybe won’t need an email if friend comes with me, just notes to remember what I want to say❤️
I am happy to provide whatever help I can. You deserve to feel loved ❤️ and happy 😄 in your life. Especially at your age.
I’m glad that you feel confident that you’ll have a friend to accompany you, even if it is partly for less… altruistic reasons😏.
I am also very happy to hear that you love writing ✍️ ! It’s spectacular that you have something that you love doing during hard times like these and with all that you are going through. Not to mention something that can be incredibly productive and rewarding. I would still recommend sending the email, if possible, as it can help your counselor better prepare resources for your meeting with them and provide you the best possible care in the meantime.
@affectionateNorth7484
ok, email written and just asking a friend to proofread it first then will send it. after some thought i think maybe won’t ask a friend to come with me on thursday because it might make me more worried to be honest. thank u again, ur lovely :)
That’s great to hear! You’re doing amazing! As for bringing a friend, that is up to you on what you feel comfortable with doing. It takes a lot of self awareness to know how you might respond to have a friend present. Once you send it, let me know and we can talk strategies to help in the mean time.