unbelief
I want to believe again. comments and prayers welcome. I'm trying to work through this but I need to know someone out there felt like this and got back.
I want my faith back.
I want to believe again.
I have been praying but it feels
like I’m calling out to an empty sky.
I have been asking, seeking, knocking
At an empty door.
But I know He is there.
He has to be.
If He is good and merciful
The problem must be me.
I think in the end of the world
when the sheep and the goats are separated
I will be a goat.
I don’t ask why anymore
Why I got hurt?
Why I still hurt?
Why it happened at all?
Why it happened more than once?
Why the people that hurt me prosper?
Why am I not over it?
Why do so many suffer the same or worse?
Why there are no more miracles?
I don’t ask because I can’t hear the answer
Is he not speaking
or am I deaf?
Because the problem must be me
I am a goat. Predestined. Born rejected
I read the bible and it’s empty words
I stand in church and sing empty songs
and all there is inside me is nothing
cold dead nothing
The call me to the altar
promise to fill me up
And all I find there is a dirty carpet
that itches my knees
A dirty carpet in a cold room
Where everyone else has found the Spirit
and I’m left kneeling there
hands up and chest empty
Filled with nothing
If He is good and merciful
If His promises never fail
If His sheep shall not want
How am I hurt and lost and wanting?
I don’t ask because I have the answer now
The problem must be me.
I don’t ask why, because I am among the goats
I am like King Saul in the old testament
Pretty on the outside but rejected
A failure before the crown ever touched his head
I want my faith back
God help my unbelief