My Relationship with God
I've never considered myself an overly religous person - I must sound like a broken record, I'm probably not the first person to admit this.
I grew up in a christian family, I was baptised as a baby - and as a kid was always dragged to church on sundays. As a kid, I never really understood it - I never truly believed in God; I always questioned what I learned in sunday school - it just never set right with me.
As a kid, I found it difficult to believe in him - like others, I wanted "proof" of his existence without understanding that it didn't work like that. I tried praying every night, but felt and heard nothing - I expected a sign, again without knowing how it worked.
Every time I would go to church with my mom or other family - we always sang hymes, and I felt as if there was no "real" worship - there was nothing taught and sunday school didn't provide many answers or comfort either.
After that, I lost hope - I denounced him, saying "What kind of god gives his followers free-will, but then ignore them when they ask for help - what kind of god allows wars, famine and poverty to exist when he has the power to stop it?"
After that, I started distancing myself from him, and going to church afterwards always felt wrong as if I didn't belong there. I even tried hiding in the curch's bathroom, hoping nobody would come looking for me - until it was time to go home.
After a few years, we started going to church less and less - eventually stopping entirely - I never stepped foot in a church, bore a cross or touched a bible since then.
But I wanted to believe there was some higher power, something greater than myself. Eventually, I turned to paganism - worshipping the norse patheon - without telling anyone. It was during that time, I believed gods were nothing more than self-centered egotists.
I believed that Thor, had more of a presence on earth than "God" - thunderstorms eventually facinating me, I was finally seeing the influence of a god.
I remained pagan for what felt like years, becoming interested in researching and learning about the occult - and religous artifacts. It was through this vice, I learned that I had a gift - I had a strong connection with ghosts, being able to sense hauntings and spiritual energy.
I kept this gift hidden for a decade, never telling anyone about - afraid I might be shunned for it.
But at least I finally felt something, and unfortunately it sooned turned sour.
One day, while I was at school - I felt if the gods themselves had touched me. I had this... preminition, something bad was going to happen. During class, I had to leave the room crying - the teacher asking me what was wrong and all I could say is that "I lost someone near and dear to me." and this still haunts me to this day - but I still believe that I knew my uncle, the one family member I was ever close with (who passed away to type 1 diabetes) was going to pass away, and sure enough a few months later - my parents give me the news that he had just been placed in palative care and didn't have long left.
When we go to see him, it was the day of his wedding - everyone was sad and I knew why. The night after, he passed away in his sleep.
I look back at it every few years, constantly asking myself if I had just said something - maybe he would've gotten more help. But as a kid, your voice isn't always heard by adults - and I wonder if thats the reason I never said anything.
Fast-forward to 2023, I had tempered my gift - teaching myself how to control it, if I could. It was until recently, after so many years have passed - that I considered that maybe this gift was from God and it was part of his plan.
Only recently, in the past few months - I've been reconsidering my faith. I've been wanting to try again, to let God back into my life - but have been terrified to. I'm not the same kid I was when I denounced him.
Over the years, all the things I've learned about the church turned me off... the pedophelia, all the anti-LGBTQ propoganda and the phenatics who treat the bible as law and contribute to some of the toxic vibe.
But despite that, I've been wanting to give it another chance - maybe with a renewed perspective, and time to mature -I'll be able to appreciate the faith alot more.
I've been trying to look for friends who might be able to restore my faith, anyone who are willing to share the experience with me.
@GnomedBinary
It's clear that your spiritual journey has been complex and filled with introspection. It's commendable that you're open to exploring and reconsidering your faith. Finding a balance between past experiences, personal beliefs, and the desire for spiritual connection can be challenging, but it's ultimately a deeply personal journey. Reconnecting with your faith doesn't necessarily mean embracing everything about organized religion. You can seek a more personal and nuanced understanding of spirituality. Consider exploring different perspectives within Christianity, like progressive or inclusive denominations that may align more closely with your values. Engaging in open and honest conversations with individuals who share similar struggles or have gone through similar experiences may provide the support and understanding you're seeking. Remember that faith is a personal journey, and it's okay to question, doubt, and seek answers. You've already shown resilience in exploring different paths and beliefs. As you embark on this journey, take the time to reflect on your own values, experiences, and the kind of spiritual connection you're searching for. Surrounding yourself with understanding and open-minded individuals who respect your journey can be crucial in finding the support you need. It's never too late to rediscover and redefine your faith. Take small steps, be patient with yourself, and allow the process to unfold naturally. Whether you find solace within traditional Christianity, a more inclusive community, or continue exploring your own unique spiritual path, what matters most is the authenticity of your connection and the sense of peace it brings to your life.
@Jenna
thank you, for the encouraging words - the toxic part of the community really turned me off, and made me feel unwelcome. trying to look past that part - even though still there, trying to just ignore it and hopefully find something positive.
you don't get to ask those kinds of questions as a kid, and not have people think your point of view or perspective is irrelavent.
@GnomedBinary
I'm sorry to hear that you've encountered negativity within the community. It's disheartening when toxic behavior overshadows the positive aspects. I'm glad you're trying to focus on the positive and look past the negativity. Communities can be diverse, and finding the right people can make a significant difference in your experience.
How do you envision a positive and supportive community? What qualities or behaviors would make it a better place for you?
@Jenna
years ago, whenever i tried reconnecting - everyone treated the bible as law. and every time i asked a question that contradicted whatever was in it, or asked for a different perspect - i was shutdown.
is it too much to ask for a community that is open to different inturpretations of the bible, and don't see science as blasphemy?
if people were more open-minded and less toxic, i think i would've remained a believer - but because Christianity has historically been a toxic religion, its difficult seeing the good in it. there's a reason the "super-christian" label exists, and its part of the reason why it took me this long to come back.
I have also been going through my spiritual awakening and spiritual journey. I won’t lie once you open your eyes to the darker side of Christianity you can never be ignorant again! With that in my mind here are things that helped me:
- i did my research to find out what makes sense the most. (someone once told me that RELIGION WILL NOT GIVE YOU THE ANSWERS SPIRITUALITY WILL BECAUSE SPIRITUALITY IS MORE DEEP) I was so confused and angry but I had to find my own peace with this information, because I hate having outside circumstances affect me
- don’t feel obligated to read, pray, going to church. Do them if you feel called to. I felt called to go to a church once and I realised churches don’t teach with depth for me but I found online sermons that were relevant to what I was going through
- at the end of the day, I see religion as faith with a set of rules helping me to become a better person. Not as a reward to go to heaven, the way it’s preached.
- the answers will never be in church, they are within you and all around you.
- hope this helps
