My Relationship with God

I've never considered myself an overly religous person - I must sound like a broken record, I'm probably not the first person to admit this.
I grew up in a christian family, I was baptised as a baby - and as a kid was always dragged to church on sundays. As a kid, I never really understood it - I never truly believed in God; I always questioned what I learned in sunday school - it just never set right with me.

As a kid, I found it difficult to believe in him - like others, I wanted "proof" of his existence without understanding that it didn't work like that. I tried praying every night, but felt and heard nothing - I expected a sign, again without knowing how it worked.
Every time I would go to church with my mom or other family - we always sang hymes, and I felt as if there was no "real" worship - there was nothing taught and sunday school didn't provide many answers or comfort either.

After that, I lost hope - I denounced him, saying "What kind of god gives his followers free-will, but then ignore them when they ask for help - what kind of god allows wars, famine and poverty to exist when he has the power to stop it?"
After that, I started distancing myself from him, and going to church afterwards always felt wrong as if I didn't belong there. I even tried hiding in the curch's bathroom, hoping nobody would come looking for me - until it was time to go home.
After a few years, we started going to church less and less - eventually stopping entirely - I never stepped foot in a church, bore a cross or touched a bible since then.

But I wanted to believe there was some higher power, something greater than myself. Eventually, I turned to paganism - worshipping the norse patheon - without telling anyone. It was during that time, I believed gods were nothing more than self-centered egotists.
I believed that Thor, had more of a presence on earth than "God" - thunderstorms eventually facinating me, I was finally seeing the influence of a god.

I remained pagan for what felt like years, becoming interested in researching and learning about the occult - and religous artifacts. It was through this vice, I learned that I had a gift - I had a strong connection with ghosts, being able to sense hauntings and spiritual energy.
I kept this gift hidden for a decade, never telling anyone about - afraid I might be shunned for it.
But at least I finally felt something, and unfortunately it sooned turned sour.

One day, while I was at school - I felt if the gods themselves had touched me. I had this... preminition, something bad was going to happen. During class, I had to leave the room crying - the teacher asking me what was wrong and all I could say is that "I lost someone near and dear to me." and this still haunts me to this day - but I still believe that I knew my uncle, the one family member I was ever close with (who passed away to type 1 diabetes) was going to pass away, and sure enough a few months later - my parents give me the news that he had just been placed in palative care and didn't have long left.

When we go to see him, it was the day of his wedding - everyone was sad and I knew why. The night after, he passed away in his sleep.

I look back at it every few years, constantly asking myself if I had just said something - maybe he would've gotten more help. But as a kid, your voice isn't always heard by adults - and I wonder if thats the reason I never said anything.

Fast-forward to 2023, I had tempered my gift - teaching myself how to control it, if I could. It was until recently, after so many years have passed - that I considered that maybe this gift was from God and it was part of his plan.

Only recently, in the past few months - I've been reconsidering my faith. I've been wanting to try again, to let God back into my life - but have been terrified to. I'm not the same kid I was when I denounced him.
Over the years, all the things I've learned about the church turned me off... the pedophelia, all the anti-LGBTQ propoganda and the phenatics who treat the bible as law and contribute to some of the toxic vibe.
But despite that, I've been wanting to give it another chance - maybe with a renewed perspective, and time to mature -I'll be able to appreciate the faith alot more.

I've been trying to look for friends who might be able to restore my faith, anyone who are willing to share the experience with me.