Things I want to tell you...

I feel so angry, because we both know that what you do is wrong. You can't discuss issues, you don't want to solve anything, all you care about is winning the dirtiest way possible. You are hysterical, you call yourself crazy whenever i face you, but are you ? I am not allowed to fight back because then i am just being cold hearted, but guess what ? you are not making the rules. why do i always forgive and even protect you ? You hurt me, you scream at me and tear everything apart, but then you cry, helpless little victim. All the time. You're not a kid anymore, ingrateful bitch of a sister.

At first I was sad and then I was beyond mad and then I just felt numb... But every time I think about you or us or the relationship we once had all I do is get angry and I have no idea why. I mean, you never loved me right? You never cared about me, you never meant anything you said to me. And that was the worst part of it all. The fact that I put my whole hearted self into what we had, something that I've never done. Ever. And it was all just a lie from you. I was such a fool to be that open with you. I should've guessed that after 20 years of your life that you were only after one thing. I mean that's all a guy wants isn't it?

I'm afraid of myself if you leave me

i wish i could have the power to tell u dont leave me alone, now ur gone.

I made it a goal today not to call you. Seriously that was my goal! How wrong is that? Lol if you knew I know exactly what you would say too. I tried to hook up with someone else today. I just wanted to distract myself. For one second but I couldn't. I feel like I'm betraying myself. Al I could think about was you. My first thought was he wasn't going to be like you. He won't just want to make me happy. He won't feel like you. I want to cry but I can't let myself. Not right now maybe tonight when I'm in bed alone and no one can see me.

I want to tell you that there doesn't go a day by where I don't think of you. Four years ago I met you and it was kind of a cute childhood love, but every day it meant more. After a year we didn't really talk to each other anymore. Last year I met this really great guy, but it turned out he was your friend. I don't think I have ever met someone who was so sweet and caring, but he thought I still had feelings for you. Again you ruined things for me and you didn't even knew. I'm mad at you for never being clear, I am mad at you and I don't even know why. It seems like I can't move on, because there is something there, feelings that won't go away.

You moved on, and here I am wasting my time thinking of you.

You know im sick, and you are using it against me. You know how i feel, but you still do things to make me feel worse. Im doing all i can to make YOU happy, but you dont do anything nice to me back. I help you with your emotions, your friends, everytime something happens in your life its my fault. You say im good to talk to beacuse it help you, but when you are done talking to me, when you are done, and YOU feel good, you leave. Im your friend, and im you "therapist". But you see, i have been fighting my own battle for soon 6 years. And im sorry that your group of friend is jalous of you beacuse you are getting popular, beacuse thats my fault right? So then its my mission to fix your other friendships. I dont think you know how hard it is to fix someone elses realetionsships, beacuse i have never ever meet the people you are trying to make me fix for you. And when i trie to get new friends im not allowed. You ask me if i have gotten anny new friends and when i say no you say that its good. Im so tired,but thats right, "i dont care", thats how you say it right?

I couldn't decide if I actually wanted to tell you this or just confess it somewhere else but we never didn't tell each other things. You made that clear the last time we drove together. You could read me like a book and always know when I'm holding back. That's one thing I like about you. You see me and not what I want people to see.

Last night I did something stupid. Something that I would have never done and something that is so out of my nature that I even think you would have been upset with me. Last night I got in some strangers car. I let him do things to me. I let him touch me. I wanted to feel something or not feel something. I don't know. I didn't even know him. I didn't even know his name till afterwards. His name was your name. I almost broke.

You know the whole time I thought about you and how this wasn't right. It wasn't you. It wasn't me. He didn't feel right. We didn't go all the way but it came close and it wasn't right in so many levels. It should have been you or nothing. He was a stranger, just a man in a car who could have killed me. He was young and inexperienced. He didn't know what he was doing and I didn't care. I thought I would feel better. I thought I could stop feeling for a while. I thought I could escape life for an hour but instead I couldn't escape you. I felt dirty afterwards. I got home and instantly got in the shower. I just wanted to wash him off of me. I never had that with you. With you I just wanted to stay in that moment. I wanted your scent to linger on me. I wanted to continue to feel you inside me.

I know your mad not because I wanted to feel but because I put my life in danger to do so. I'm sorry. I'm just so lost right now and I can't seem to find my way back to me. Forgive me for being human ... Please

I went to take a shower and discovered he hurt me more than I thought. I have bruises on my body. I emotionally hurt and I physically hurt. I can't tell anyone but I want to tell you

Part of me likes the pain because it's letting me feel something different today. The despair and sorrow of what's happening in my life is being masked for a while.