Things I want to tell you...

I still want you. I want to feel your body againts mine. I want to feel your breathe on me. I want to look into your eyes and get lost. I want the world to be still. I want you to turn your head and gaze at me like when we would go for a drive together. I want to hear your deep laugh when I say something funny. I want to hear your soft chuckle and see you bury your face in my shoulder. I want to feel your soft kisses on my lips on my body. I want to feel your hands around my neck pulling me into you. I want you to move fast when I say slow down. I want our passion

You ruined me and I love that. You took away my innocence and I willingly gave it to you. Even though you didn't know till after you gave me everything I wanted and so much more. I will never love anyone the way I love you. And yes I love you. I love you with my whole being. Your my other half. You're my reason to live. I waited my whole life for you. I just wish I had found you at a better time in our lives.

I will never have this again. I will never fall in love like this again. I will love again but it won't be the same and it won't be better. It will just be different. I will always think of you. I will always compare the next one to you.

It warms my heart that you still ask me how my day is going and then you genuinely want to know the answer and make it better.

I already miss you and your not even gone yet

This feeling is so normal to me

I miss you. I want to be with you, but it's too late. You're with someone now. I know you're really happy. I just wanna know, why did you left? I loved you, and still love you, but you went away. Without saying any words. Why? What happened to us? :(

Talking to you brings a smile to my face. I don't think you realize how close I was to ending it the other day. It wasn't because of you but I was ready and prepared and you saved me. I'm sure you thought I was in a bad place but I don't think you know how bad. You are my light. Your voice is magic to my soul. Thank you

We're never going to be apart are we? Despite the fact we have our own lives we will still be in each other's. It would have been easier to just end us but instead you won't let me go and I won't let you. Lol... You couldn't even let me have my goodbye moment instead you sent me a text that you knew would make me call you. You knew it would make me laugh and you knew we weren't ending the book maybe just a chapter. I do thank you for giving me the last thing I wanted. I do thank you for holding me close, for hugging me, for kissing me, for saying goodbye. I also thank you for not letting me go. I will talk to you soon...

I think I may be pregnant. I feel like I might be. I know the chances are super slim. I mean we didn't use protection and I know you had surgery a long time ago but there is still a slight possibility and I've been getting symptoms. I'm not scared. I'm more hopeful than anything. I actually want this in some weird way. I want to tell you but I want to be sure. I still have to wait. That's the hardest part. I'm going to get tested next week at the doctor. I secretly want him to say positive. I think I might be devastated if he said negative. I don't know what to do. All I can do is suffer in silence until I know. I think if the situation was different and you were just my friend and not my lover then I could tell you this but your not and I'm scared. Not scared to tell you but scared that I'm wrong.

Tonight I had dinner with some friends. There are married and have been for almost ten years. It's the first time I thought of you in that way. I thought about how nice it would be to have you sitting next to me. My hand stroking your leg as we laugh at everyone's jokes. You hand wrapped around me waist as we shared a drink. The anticipation of what might happen later that night when we got home. I thought about all of that and it made me sad. Sad that we will never have that. As I got in the car I thought about how you kissed my inner thigh the first time we made love and I thought "I want to feel that again but only from you" I will never tell anyone else about that. I will never ask another man to do that because that's ours.

I've been having some bad days recently. You know why and it was great that you called me when I asked. I notice that you do anything I ask so I try not too. I don't want to be selfish but when it comes to you sometimes I can't help myself. I love you. You know that and I think it scares you because that was never supposed to happen. I know you care about me. Yesterday was bad. Yesterday I started writing my goodbye letter to you. I haven't finished it yet but it's bad if I keep writing it. It's the message I'm going to send you [Edited by mentor for non-supportive content] . I hope I don't finish it but I can't make any promises yet...

I feel so angry, because we both know that what you do is wrong. You can't discuss issues, you don't want to solve anything, all you care about is winning the dirtiest way possible. You are hysterical, you call yourself crazy whenever i face you, but are you ? I am not allowed to fight back because then i am just being cold hearted, but guess what ? you are not making the rules. why do i always forgive and even protect you ? You hurt me, you scream at me and tear everything apart, but then you cry, helpless little victim. All the time. You're not a kid anymore, ingrateful bitch of a sister.

At first I was sad and then I was beyond mad and then I just felt numb... But every time I think about you or us or the relationship we once had all I do is get angry and I have no idea why. I mean, you never loved me right? You never cared about me, you never meant anything you said to me. And that was the worst part of it all. The fact that I put my whole hearted self into what we had, something that I've never done. Ever. And it was all just a lie from you. I was such a fool to be that open with you. I should've guessed that after 20 years of your life that you were only after one thing. I mean that's all a guy wants isn't it?

Your ego is going to finish what's left of our relationship.

Wonderful talks, laughs, happy memories, it was all going so much in the right direction, but now? Not talking because I "upset" you by speaking the truth? Seriously, grow up, and weigh up what you're throwing away, because it's seriously starting to matter less and less to me.

Hmm, well, on reflection, maybe it's starting to mean less and less to you to.. I suppose that'll be a good thing, really. Eventually.

I'm afraid of myself if you leave me

i wish i could have the power to tell u dont leave me alone, now ur gone.

I made it a goal today not to call you. Seriously that was my goal! How wrong is that? Lol if you knew I know exactly what you would say too. I tried to hook up with someone else today. I just wanted to distract myself. For one second but I couldn't. I feel like I'm betraying myself. Al I could think about was you. My first thought was he wasn't going to be like you. He won't just want to make me happy. He won't feel like you. I want to cry but I can't let myself. Not right now maybe tonight when I'm in bed alone and no one can see me.

I want to tell you that there doesn't go a day by where I don't think of you. Four years ago I met you and it was kind of a cute childhood love, but every day it meant more. After a year we didn't really talk to each other anymore. Last year I met this really great guy, but it turned out he was your friend. I don't think I have ever met someone who was so sweet and caring, but he thought I still had feelings for you. Again you ruined things for me and you didn't even knew. I'm mad at you for never being clear, I am mad at you and I don't even know why. It seems like I can't move on, because there is something there, feelings that won't go away.

You moved on, and here I am wasting my time thinking of you.

You know im sick, and you are using it against me. You know how i feel, but you still do things to make me feel worse. Im doing all i can to make YOU happy, but you dont do anything nice to me back. I help you with your emotions, your friends, everytime something happens in your life its my fault. You say im good to talk to beacuse it help you, but when you are done talking to me, when you are done, and YOU feel good, you leave. Im your friend, and im you "therapist". But you see, i have been fighting my own battle for soon 6 years. And im sorry that your group of friend is jalous of you beacuse you are getting popular, beacuse thats my fault right? So then its my mission to fix your other friendships. I dont think you know how hard it is to fix someone elses realetionsships, beacuse i have never ever meet the people you are trying to make me fix for you. And when i trie to get new friends im not allowed. You ask me if i have gotten anny new friends and when i say no you say that its good. Im so tired,but thats right, "i dont care", thats how you say it right?

I couldn't decide if I actually wanted to tell you this or just confess it somewhere else but we never didn't tell each other things. You made that clear the last time we drove together. You could read me like a book and always know when I'm holding back. That's one thing I like about you. You see me and not what I want people to see.

Last night I did something stupid. Something that I would have never done and something that is so out of my nature that I even think you would have been upset with me. Last night I got in some strangers car. I let him do things to me. I let him touch me. I wanted to feel something or not feel something. I don't know. I didn't even know him. I didn't even know his name till afterwards. His name was your name. I almost broke.

You know the whole time I thought about you and how this wasn't right. It wasn't you. It wasn't me. He didn't feel right. We didn't go all the way but it came close and it wasn't right in so many levels. It should have been you or nothing. He was a stranger, just a man in a car who could have killed me. He was young and inexperienced. He didn't know what he was doing and I didn't care. I thought I would feel better. I thought I could stop feeling for a while. I thought I could escape life for an hour but instead I couldn't escape you. I felt dirty afterwards. I got home and instantly got in the shower. I just wanted to wash him off of me. I never had that with you. With you I just wanted to stay in that moment. I wanted your scent to linger on me. I wanted to continue to feel you inside me.

I know your mad not because I wanted to feel but because I put my life in danger to do so. I'm sorry. I'm just so lost right now and I can't seem to find my way back to me. Forgive me for being human ... Please

Sorry you're going through this, Hollywood. I'm sorry I'm going through it too. I know how hard it is - for me, every minute of everyday. It exhausts me.

Thank you. I have found that writing has helped me so much. I'm still in a dark place but I think I have more times in the day that feel stable

I went to take a shower and discovered he hurt me more than I thought. I have bruises on my body. I emotionally hurt and I physically hurt. I can't tell anyone but I want to tell you

Part of me likes the pain because it's letting me feel something different today. The despair and sorrow of what's happening in my life is being masked for a while.

Why is it that when we communicate I instantly feel better? All we did was text and my world was lifted. I felt whole again. I couldn't hide the smile on my face and it felt so natural to just text with you. It was like those days when we worked together and spend all day texting and talking.

Well after much thought I came to a realization this evening. I don't think I can be with someone else intimately at least for a long time. It wouldn't be fair to them when I'm still in love with you. Last night I was consumed with thoughts of how this wasn't you. How this didn't feel right because it wasn't you. There was no joy or passion not even in just the physical aspect. As he was kissing me all I could think about was these kisses aren't yours. These hands aren't yours. This body isn't yours. I felt dead inside without you.

I belong to you and that will never change.

I know you hate me now, you must think I played with your feelings. Believe me, I didn't do it on purpose. I was young, naive and blind to myself, and so, to everyone else. I'm sorry I had to drag you with me to the death end, but rest assured, the time I got to share with you was a happy one, at least while it lasted. Thank you for opening my eyes and for offering me so many things. I just wish I could have returned them to you.

I feel like I was this glass figurine and you broke me. You shattered me and now I'm in pieces spread all over the floor but I'm finally free. I'm free to move forward to experience. I'm free to move to explore to see the world. I'm free to be me!

Randomly I'm remembering two of my favorite moments with you. I don't even know what I said the first time but we were on the phone and I said something and you suddenly had this big hearty laugh. I remember just falling in love with that laugh instantly. Whatever I said caught you completely off guard and you probably don't remember but it was great to see you completely lose control for a moment. The second thing I remembered you were laughing again but this time it was soft and gentle. We were making out in the back of the van and you were so good at turning me on. I started joking around how the other side was getting lonely and you said something about one side being satisfied and if you went for the other you would get a crink in your neck. All I replied was "well change positions" and you broke into this soft chuckle and buried your head into my shoulder. It made me laugh and in that moment I fell even more madly in love with you. The best part is you changed positions... Lol

Do you know what it like to want something so bad it physically hurts? I can't stop crying and your not even gone. I feel like my body is betraying me. I don't know why this is happening. I don't know why I can't control myself. I just want to be back to how it was before you came into my life. Before when I was trapped and accepted my circumstances. Why did you have to change my life? Why did you have to show me something better? Why did you change my life and force me to feel again? Why did you teach me to live again?

I find myself always thinking back to that first moment where i fell in love with you how across a whole gym full of people and me being blind as a bat that my eyes met yours. You didn't notice me but that was ok i was in love in that moment and i will never love again. You became my best friend and to this moment i can't figure out what i did wrong. Maybe im stuck on your words of how i could never love you more then you loved me or how you always said everything i did was perfect and that is why no matter what happened we'd always be friends. Yet here i am wanting to tell you i still love you that you're my world my air and without you I can't find a reason to keep trying. I'd tell you this but i can't because despite all the promises you left and i lost more then my love i lost my best friend and best friend are irreplacable just like our love.

Well it happened again. I tried and I can't rid myself of you. Nothing's right. I know it won't be the same but it's not right. I can't do it anymore. If we never happen again I'll never experience that passion. I give up on all of that except for with you. I hope I dream I pray that our paths lead us back to that again

I am glad you left my life. I really am. I am greatful that you left my life. If I was still in a relationship with you, I would probably be dead right now, we lived on a risky highroad doing the things we did, taking the drugs we did as often as we did. Do you have any idea how much weight I lost in the course of that year? If I would of carried on not eating, not sleeping properly, not going out and just staying in your house taking drugs. I would of died. I'm glad you are out of my life and have moved on. You controlled me and when people talk about it's impossible to get over someone. It isn't, it's perfectly easy. You have to have a positive outlook on what is to come and you make a goal and you go for that goal. I have come so far since you and I can't wait to meet you in the future and brush you off like you did to me. I am so very proud of myself now. I couldn't be happier with where I am today :)

I came to a realization tonight. It's seems like I have been having so many of these in the past couple of weeks. You told me you couldn't make a commitment to me. You said everything I wanted sounded great but you didn't know where the journey was taking you. The thing is I told you I didn't want a commitment and I believed when you said you couldn't do it but today, today it hit me that you did make a commitment and I don't think you know it. We both lied to each other and we both didn't realize it. I do want the commitment. I do want you to always be there when I need you and you made that commitment. Just because you didn't say it doesn't mean somewhere inside you didn't subconsciously make it. If I call you come to me every time! Today you worked a 16 hour day, barely saw your family and you still made time for me! This could have easily been a fling that should have ended but it hasn't. We both won't let it. I hope it doesn't. I pray it doesn't. Even tonight as you got home and said goodnight you wouldn't get out of your car till I said it back. I love you. I love us

I was a piece of broken glass, shattered and falling apart. You became the glue. You were fixing me, healing me and when I was starting to get strong you took this bat and just beat me. You beat me so hard that I'm just pieces on the floor. Nothing left of me but trash to be swept away

Despite the fact that you've hurt me so much, I still find myself crawling back to you. Despite the fact that we're thousands miles away now, I still want you. At least we're still living under the same sky, although we're not breathing in the same air.

After all that happened, I'm still waiting for you, even if you're not willing to come back.

After all that happened, there's a big hole in my heart. But you still keep the remaining inside of me. I can't let you go. I don't want to give up on you.

I love you so much.

I miss you so much.

My only wish is you, and only you.

You are my anchor. I believe that one day you will come back to me.

I still think about you. You're always in my thoughts. Everyone morning I wake up thinking about you and every night I see you when I close my eyes and drift to sleep. I know you'll come back to me and it frustrates me because despite how much I love you and want to be with you I don't trust you right now. I don't trust you to take care of me anymore because for that one moment when you got scared and felt guilty you broke me. You couldn't even do it in person and you couldn't even do the last think I asked. I know you can't give me up like you said. I know that I still haunt you like you haunt me and we have no closure. You know I found someone alread. I wasn't looking but he found me and wants to take care of me and wants to develop with me. He wants to build something with me and I do to but I don't know if I just want the experience or am starting to have feelings because I still feel for you. Good thing he knows about you and how you hurt me but I don't think he knows that I would still at least consider you when you get back. You frustrate me and confuse me but I still can't get out from under you...

I'm beginning to lose hope for "us".. I seem to occupy less and less of your thoughts these days, despite the fact that I'm supposed to your soul mate.

How does that work? For me, it's something to be cherished and appreciated each and every day.

For you though? I think it's only a matter of time before other things (women?) occupy your mind and you finally give us the last vestige of love you have for me. What a pity - what a waste of something so special.

Your killing me slowly, all of you are abusive and I straying away from the light. Soon I'm going to brake more then you have broken me and surprising I'm not scared. I've probably written my Suicide not thousands of times but none of you care. Every time you hit me, I fall deeper and deeper into bring suicidal

Where the hell are you? I can't go days without contact anymore. Since you ended it before I've not got the confidence not to worry.. my confidence is ebbing away, and that's never a good thing, is it?