Things I want to tell you...

Why is it that when we communicate I instantly feel better? All we did was text and my world was lifted. I felt whole again. I couldn't hide the smile on my face and it felt so natural to just text with you. It was like those days when we worked together and spend all day texting and talking.

Well after much thought I came to a realization this evening. I don't think I can be with someone else intimately at least for a long time. It wouldn't be fair to them when I'm still in love with you. Last night I was consumed with thoughts of how this wasn't you. How this didn't feel right because it wasn't you. There was no joy or passion not even in just the physical aspect. As he was kissing me all I could think about was these kisses aren't yours. These hands aren't yours. This body isn't yours. I felt dead inside without you.

I belong to you and that will never change.

I know you hate me now, you must think I played with your feelings. Believe me, I didn't do it on purpose. I was young, naive and blind to myself, and so, to everyone else. I'm sorry I had to drag you with me to the death end, but rest assured, the time I got to share with you was a happy one, at least while it lasted. Thank you for opening my eyes and for offering me so many things. I just wish I could have returned them to you.

I feel like I was this glass figurine and you broke me. You shattered me and now I'm in pieces spread all over the floor but I'm finally free. I'm free to move forward to experience. I'm free to move to explore to see the world. I'm free to be me!

Randomly I'm remembering two of my favorite moments with you. I don't even know what I said the first time but we were on the phone and I said something and you suddenly had this big hearty laugh. I remember just falling in love with that laugh instantly. Whatever I said caught you completely off guard and you probably don't remember but it was great to see you completely lose control for a moment. The second thing I remembered you were laughing again but this time it was soft and gentle. We were making out in the back of the van and you were so good at turning me on. I started joking around how the other side was getting lonely and you said something about one side being satisfied and if you went for the other you would get a crink in your neck. All I replied was "well change positions" and you broke into this soft chuckle and buried your head into my shoulder. It made me laugh and in that moment I fell even more madly in love with you. The best part is you changed positions... Lol

Do you know what it like to want something so bad it physically hurts? I can't stop crying and your not even gone. I feel like my body is betraying me. I don't know why this is happening. I don't know why I can't control myself. I just want to be back to how it was before you came into my life. Before when I was trapped and accepted my circumstances. Why did you have to change my life? Why did you have to show me something better? Why did you change my life and force me to feel again? Why did you teach me to live again?

I find myself always thinking back to that first moment where i fell in love with you how across a whole gym full of people and me being blind as a bat that my eyes met yours. You didn't notice me but that was ok i was in love in that moment and i will never love again. You became my best friend and to this moment i can't figure out what i did wrong. Maybe im stuck on your words of how i could never love you more then you loved me or how you always said everything i did was perfect and that is why no matter what happened we'd always be friends. Yet here i am wanting to tell you i still love you that you're my world my air and without you I can't find a reason to keep trying. I'd tell you this but i can't because despite all the promises you left and i lost more then my love i lost my best friend and best friend are irreplacable just like our love.

Well it happened again. I tried and I can't rid myself of you. Nothing's right. I know it won't be the same but it's not right. I can't do it anymore. If we never happen again I'll never experience that passion. I give up on all of that except for with you. I hope I dream I pray that our paths lead us back to that again

I am glad you left my life. I really am. I am greatful that you left my life. If I was still in a relationship with you, I would probably be dead right now, we lived on a risky highroad doing the things we did, taking the drugs we did as often as we did. Do you have any idea how much weight I lost in the course of that year? If I would of carried on not eating, not sleeping properly, not going out and just staying in your house taking drugs. I would of died. I'm glad you are out of my life and have moved on. You controlled me and when people talk about it's impossible to get over someone. It isn't, it's perfectly easy. You have to have a positive outlook on what is to come and you make a goal and you go for that goal. I have come so far since you and I can't wait to meet you in the future and brush you off like you did to me. I am so very proud of myself now. I couldn't be happier with where I am today :)

I came to a realization tonight. It's seems like I have been having so many of these in the past couple of weeks. You told me you couldn't make a commitment to me. You said everything I wanted sounded great but you didn't know where the journey was taking you. The thing is I told you I didn't want a commitment and I believed when you said you couldn't do it but today, today it hit me that you did make a commitment and I don't think you know it. We both lied to each other and we both didn't realize it. I do want the commitment. I do want you to always be there when I need you and you made that commitment. Just because you didn't say it doesn't mean somewhere inside you didn't subconsciously make it. If I call you come to me every time! Today you worked a 16 hour day, barely saw your family and you still made time for me! This could have easily been a fling that should have ended but it hasn't. We both won't let it. I hope it doesn't. I pray it doesn't. Even tonight as you got home and said goodnight you wouldn't get out of your car till I said it back. I love you. I love us