Loneliness feels like a lurking shadow

@Danistarrock

Hi, I'm a woman in my early 20's so I might not have as much experience as you, but I am struggling with something similar. I just got out of a relationship a little bit ago, and I used to be very self destructive when I would be single, relying on alcohol, parties, random hookups to make me feel okay. Now, I've realized I want to grow more individually, love myself more than I've ever loved myself before, get to know myself, be less critical of myself, do my own hobbies, freely date other people, be committed to yourself as if you are in a relationship with yourself, but the main priority at this time is YOU. I think the best relationships come at a random time in you life - when you're not looking for anyone/you're not desperate for love. When you focus on you and build that self confidence, a man will probably show up in your life. This has been a common theme for me and my friends honestly. And maybe you need a little push? That's okay too. When you feel like you're comfortable enough with yourself and realize that you're a total package, and deserve to be treated like a queen, maybe try dating apps... be SO comfortable with yourself that you realize you won't get bogged down if a date/dating app doesn't work out.

@rene9250 thank you for that. I am honestly getting to this point. I have started meditating, which has not only taught me more about mindfulness, but also about letting go and being more and more free to be myself.

@Danistarrock

Female in her young 20's here, and I may not have the same experinces as you, but I do think it gets better in time. I think feeling lonley is a good thing to feel, It hurts alot but sometimes just allowing yourself to just sit with that emotion helps me when I get angry. I struggle with managing my emotions, and drinking, and anger is a hard one for me to deal with too. I see now that my anger is more often than not misplaced bitterness at the world for it's crulety and unfairness, and for the hurt it has caused me and other. When it happens I just tell myself it's ok to feel those things, that there are no bad feelings. Do you feel like it negativitly affects your daily life? thanks for sharing!

@Foxfern Thank you for the response. I agree with the idea that it is misplaced bitterness. I have even referred to myself as bitter on a number of occasions. I am specifically bitter towards men and "happy" couples. No, I don't think it affects my daily life, thankfully. But there are times where I feel this intense hatred towards the opposite sex. And whenever I drink, I start out feeling so good and euphoric, and then all of a sudden, the negative, lonely thoughts come back, followed by the bitter feelings, and next thing you know, I'm angry. And I hate being angry. I would much rather be sad than angry.

I'm 33, female. I've only been in one relationship so far, and that was back in 2006. As for myself, ever since I hit 27, the following years after had been harder. I don't like the feeling of loneliness and being single. Each year that I get older, the more scared I become. Others keep telling me that relationships happen when you least expect it. I want to believe that, but at the same time, I don't know if I can wait that long. I'd like to keep some hope that I'll get married in the future, but with how things are going right now, I'm also losing hope. I tried to settle within this singleness, it's difficult when I continuously see people around my age are married with kids (not that I want kids if I do get married); but seeing how people are already living a married life, and I'm still single..

I guess my posting is not much of a help to you. Would you have any friends to share your time with?~

@Danistarrock

@Jaeteuk Sorry to hear you are struggling with this. I wonder if a pet could help the lonelyness.

@PSO96 unfortunately I cannot have a pet for personal reasons. I do love cats though 🐈

@Jaeteuk unfortunately I do not have any friends. I lost touch with my High school friends, and in college I mainly just had aquaintances who forgot about me quick once we graduated. And two people I was somewhat close to live in different states than me anyways.

It looks like we're on the same page then. I used to have a best friend, but I ended our relationship three years ago. I now only have coworkers/acquaintances too, but no one to share my thoughts and feelings with. I'm a very introverted type of person too, so I don't like being out of my comfort zone. Which means that I'm a homebody, kind of contradicts in how I want to make more friends and meet my future husband. I'm practically doomed in developing any sort of relationship!~

Someone once told me that, the moment I've learned to love myself, for who I am; then people will start to notice me. The person who said this to me is a Christian, so in her words, she's basically me telling to have faith and then work with it to help myself. I'm not really into the religion at the moment, I was at one point in life. Not anymore though. So, if I think of this in a normal way, I think I have problems with that too. As I'm not exactly where I'd hope I'd be in life, at my age right now. Basically, not entirely satisfied with my current life situation. I force myself to think that there will still be hope, but at the same time, I'm not sure if I have the patience for myself to wait for something to happen. Frequently, I want to give up, but then, I also have goals in life that I want to achieve. It's a constant battle in my head, and it's frustrating and drains my energy!~

@Danistarrock

@Jaeteuk I think having some kind of faith does help...and it doesn't have to neccesarily be the monotheistic religions, like Christianity and Judaism. For instance, I recently rediscovered theories of Buddhism, and I truly believe that these are the type of ideas that I need for my personal life. It has been helping me with my mindfulness and letting go. I am not saying that this would work for you, we are all different. But I am starting to believe that some sort of spirituality can be helpful.

I'm 32 single female as well. I understand the loneliness. My last relationship was 7 years ago. I've dated on and off since then but I've found my biggest barrier is that I'm unwilling to compromise on the things I want in a partner. I've seen a lot of friends "settle" and become increasingly unhappy. I don't want to do that. Also not helping matters is I moved to a new city two years ago where I didn't know anyone. I've made friends with one married couple but beyond that nothing. Everyone I work with is much older than me. It's definitely sucked.

I think the worst part is you see some of these people who are just walking red flags in relationships and I just think "you know I'm decent looking and not a total trash fire of a person and I got nothing meanwhile tiger king jr over there has a line of people". It gets hard to keep from wondering "is it me? What am I doing wrong?"

one good thing is that I've become incredibly comfortable in who I am and what matters to me. And I have two dogs that are my comfort and joy. Pets certainly help.

*holds up glass of wine* cheers ladies

@easyApple3195 I like the "tiger king King Jr" reference! 😂😂 You are right about that, and it annoys me as well to see those types of people in relationships and so happy (seemingly at least). I am sure pets are a huge help, but unfortunately I am unable to have one due to personal reasons. But I have started meditating and enjoy that a lot.

@easyApple3195 ...and settling sucks! I settled with both of the relationships that I was in, and I found it difficult at times to be intimate with my exes. Not only that, but if I ever had a bad day, I just did not look forward to seeing them, and that is not how a relationship should be, it should be the opposite! But unfortunately, throughout my dating life, I've felt like I HAD to settle, otherwise I'd be single.

@Danistarrock hello i hope you are well :)

i hear you about the lonelelness , it is a void that is there, but we need to understand it, i have been single for 7 years now and that is by my choice and in that time i have used it to build myself up and focus on me and my goals to be a better person .

i thnk it is importent to first learn to love yourself and then you caN BEGIN TO LOVE OTHERS AS FOR THE ANGRY PART, I USTA BE A ANGRY PERSON, I HAVE LEARNED THAT I HAD ALOT OF THINGS IN MY PAST, I HADE TO LET GO OF THAT pain and things that MADE ME ANGRY AND IN DOING SO, HAS MADE ME a much better person to others and myself, i beleive that i will find someone to share my life with one day and fill that void, now that i have grown as a person .

i hope this can help you in growth

@007mattyg thank you for your reply. You make a good point about us working on ourselves first and just letting go...and that is exactly what I am doing. Since I first made this post, I started meditating and learning to just breathe and let go...and it has been helping. I know that the more and more I do it, the better I will feel...fingers crossed.

@Danistarrock

Through my eyes I don't think it is, only a very few very strong persons can finally manage to come to terms with it...I always said that loneliness is a silent killer and a friend of depression...9 years I had been alone hoping time will teach me how to deal with it yet it never did and I am withering away and drink helps but in those times that we get it..I feel for you...😔😔😔

@GreenAndRedBoat thank you

@GreenAndRedBoat...and I feel for you as well. Try meditating some time. Just taking some time to breathe had been...refreshing. It reminds me at the very least that I am still human and still very much alive.

@Danistarrock

You are very welcome 🤗😊...before my major depression when I was a deep free diver, meditation helped me to completely clear my mind...at present nothing works for me but am glad it works for you🤗😊