How to Begin Again..
There's a person in my life with depression... And even though I did everything I could to help him, in the end, I think he saw how his unhealthiness was affecting me, and in order to protect me from this, and from himself, he asked to cut ties. To create distance. Not out of hatred, but out of care. He wanted me to be happy with someone who could give me what I deserved. Because he couldn't... And I'll admit, I didn't care. I would've sacrificed a lot for him. But he didn't want to do that to me. He didn't want to take without giving. And he was just too low to give. The timing between us wasn't right. He's at a point in his life where he needs to go on a journey. Alone. To find himself, to re-create himself, to seek therapy, grow, and to heal from a lot of wounds. I've already been through something like this before, before meeting him, so I've already had my turn. Now it is his. And as much as I wish I could be a friend and a supporter to him through this process, it is not what he wants. I am beginning to realize that to him, I am like a walking, living reminder of the things he did wrong. Of how he screwed up. Of the hurt that he caused. I wish I wasn't, but I am. I'm like a little thorn. And I don't think he can grow with this reminder hovering above him all the time.. I must cause him so much guilt, and it must feel awful to have someone you care about, but have also hurt, try to help you 24/7, fully knowing that you cannot do the same for them... So I'd like to respect his wishes and show him mercy by stepping away so that he may heal. On his own. But it is killing me inside. I am hurting.. I care about this person, and I selfishly want them in my life. He became someone very dear and very important to me... and I feel like I'm losing a piece of me. I'm losing a comrade, a best friend.. the person I was closest to in this entire world. And I'm not good at goodbyes. I never have been, and I never will be. But I can't control this. I know that... And part of me wishes he had just been an awful person or something so that it would be easy for me to let him go. But he wasn't. There are no bad guys... just two people who tried their best. And things just didn't fall into place. And I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to make peace with that. I will miss him dearly...
@aquaFox8
Hey, aquaFox.
I can relate to you although your experiences are only unique to you. You want to help them but you also know that the only way is to give them their time and space. And you wish it wasn't set up this way. You are a very caring and supportive friend and I can understand how you feel hurt and are missing him a lot. Since you have been through this phase before, you know that he has a long way to do and you want to just be there but that feels selfish. Maybe you'll be able to reconnect when he feels ready for it or maybe not but you are a good friend. You are there for him without being there for him. It probably hurts a lot but you are kind. I hope you are able to heal with time. Take care and loads of love. ❤
Thank you... for the reply and the kind words. That really means a lot 💛🌸
@aquaFox8
I'm so glad that you feel that way. Take care! 💕
@aquaFox8 Your post is painfully familiar. I read it when you first wrote it but hesitated to write here but it's been on my mind all weekend
I'm sorry you're going through this - it's so hard to want something - someone so badly - that it's like a constant ache and ache is probably an understatement. I'm sorry you're hurting so
I have to admit - I see it from the other side because something similar happened not all that long ago. I would have liked to remain friends though but I understand why she needed to walk away. Well - a part of me does anyway - I kept screwing things up - trying to make myself better - because I wanted to be able to give her what she needed - what she deserved - but my life is a wreck right now and I need to work on things to get myself better but she had no idea how much she ment to me - that I loved her so much - to not want to hold her back from a life she deserves
I allways told her she was the highlight of my day - but I failed to show her. She was my best friend - my only friend and things haven't been the same since and tbh - it kills me - but I have noone to blame but myself because it was my choice but I know it hurt her and I have to live with that knowledge
I'm sorry for invading your space - I don't mean to be disrespectful or invalidating to you in anyway and I am truely sorry that you're hurting so much because of this - I hope with time it gets easier for you
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
There's no need to apologize. I'm glad you changed your mind and decided to let it out. And I'm sorry that you're going through something similar as well...
Thank you for providing me a glimpse into my friend's perspective -- I can only hope that my post has provided you the same. Your friend did the very thing I could never bring myself to do, and mine did what you couldn't bring yourself to do. Funny how that works. Still, I'm sure she cares about you deeply and only wants you to heal and be happy. 🤗
Just remember that you didn't ask for this. The depression, the anxiety... you didn't choose it. So don't keep blaming yourself. You are not at fault. And you cannot heal if you are overburdened with guilt... I told my friend this same thing. You cannot change what you did, but you can choose to grow from it. You did what you could with what you had, and that's what matters. You tried, and I hope you can make peace with that as well.
The only relationship you can never break away from is the one you hold with yourself. So nurture that relationship as best you can, because only then will you be able to nurture another. 🌻🌿
@aquaFox8 Thank you for such a nice reply - I appreciate it. I was actually trying to get my post deleted when you replied lol - I was worried that maybe I shouldnt have written - Idk
I think I mostly missed the feeling guilty - I mean I do feel guilty because I know I hurt her. Mostly I just feel alot of shame for being the way I am - because I do still think it's all my fault
I like what you said about nurturing the relationship with ourselves and making peace. It's something I need to do a better job of because I have been at war with myself
Thank you for talking with me about this
Take care
@aquaFox8 Life doesn't always move in straight lines. Sometimes it's like a road that forks into two paths and even best friends will have no choice but to go their separate ways. There's no telling what lies ahead for you or your friend. And maybe it might seem like right now all you want to do is double back to find him and journey alongside him once more. But sometimes you just have to move forward and hope that your paths will cross again. And if, by chance, your two roads converge, be ready and waiting to tell him your tales the way an old friend might. Because there's no treasure more precious or rare on this earth than a good friend. And perhaps, at the end of the long road, you'll find him waiting for you too. Keep walking and look ahead. There's truth in this: The good ones will come back.
Awe... thank you so much for this 🥺💛 this is beautiful. And wise...
Thank you for taking the time to reply. That last sentence really helps bring me some kind of peace, despite everything that happened ☺️
@aquaFox8 One more thing. All too often, we mortals forget that life is really short and our foresight is shorter still. In our arrogance, we plan out the years and decades as though tomorrow is promised to us. But we can't really know how long we have on this earth. Someone once told me there's three things we should never miss the opportunity to say to the people who make our lives worth living: "I love you", "I miss you", and "I'm sorry." And just like that, it's possible for best friends to begin again.
