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ShadesBluer
286,766 M Meaningful Journey
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts4,025 Forum posts158 Forum upvotes188 Current upvotes188 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2024 Member sinceApril 29, 2016
Recent forum posts
Give it back.
Relationship Stress / by ShadesBluer
Last post
 July 27th, 2017
...See more Dear Cheater, It's been some time since we last spoke. Do you remember how I used to try so hard to make you happy? The grand romantic gestures to make you feel like you were the most special woman in the world? The million tiny thoughtful, caring things I did every day to remind you how much I loved you? Do you remember all the dreams we used to have that didn't seem so unfamiliar or unreachable back then, that every year for 7 years I made into reality to impress you, to show you what a man in love was capable of accomplishing? There used to be bright dreams in my future. My great hope has dimmed and faded. What a waste. How many things did you take from me? My love, my trust, my hope, my confidence in myself... replaced by bitterness, doubt, cynicism, and a diminished self worth. If I was naive to love you, what am I now to love nothing? I was broken but I willed myself back together. I made a home for myself that was better than the home we had together. I threw away our old bed and bought a better, newer one. I filled my life with new things, better things to replace you and the place you once held in my heart. And then I discarded my heart. It didn't have a place in my new life. It was too damaged, too soft, too weak to be of any value to anyone anymore. What's in it's place I wonder? Perhaps it's stone. Who knows? I don't want you anymore. But a heart made of stone is heavy and burdensome. Give me back the things you took from me but leave out love. I'd rather have contentment than happiness.
Soliloquy
Depression Support / by ShadesBluer
Last post
 March 25th, 2017
...See more I wonder if other people feel lonely, not from time to time or every other day, but at least once every single day. I wonder if the loneliness people feel is from a desire to just have some company to help pass the time or if it's something else. Am I alone in my anxieties and fears? I have friends and family to celebrate milestones and special occasions. But the things that weigh on me, the seemingly trivial and completely forgettable nuances that happen to me from day to day are real only to me and nonexistent to anyone else. No one sees me or hears me, I don't exist except maybe once in a while when there's a reason to have me around. And this drowning, this fading I feel, the loneliness that has consumed and replaced my joy, my laughter, my hopes and aspirations, my love and passions, this loneliness is a tomb, a soundproof prison because there's no casual way to tell someone you feel like you don't exist. So I smile as much as I can around everyone else and tell them I'm fine and hope that the facade of cheerfulness will somehow transmute the creeping despair gripping my soul into some sort of reprieve, some kind of escape from this prison, this tomb of my loneliness. I wonder how much longer until this feeling passes. I wonder if anyone will even notice.
Christmas wish
Depression Support / by ShadesBluer
Last post
 December 23rd, 2016
...See more I wish I had someone who cared if I made it home every night, who wondered how my day went, who gave me a reason to do something interesting or find something funny so I could share it with them. I wish I had someone to share my problems with or who knows how much I love rainy days. I wish I had someone I could share my ice cream with on the worst days where I could really use some cheering up. I think that's the part I could really use some help with, because that's the thing about being alone- I have to be the one to cheer myself up.
The Scorpion and the Frog
Relationship Stress / by ShadesBluer
Last post
 November 18th, 2016
...See more She said I was the love of her life. We had known each other since high school. She was the college roommate of my first love. When my first serious relationship fell apart, my future lover and I became close friends. But our relationship would be platonic for several years. She was always in another romantic relationship. She got married and I was happy for her. Her husband and I became good friends. Then, one New year's eve three years into her marriage, she revealed to me that she was attracted to me and we began an affair. I quickly fell in love with her and confessed my feelings to her. She said that she loved me too. There was drama, I lost a friend though I deserved it, and eventually she chose me. We stayed together for 7 years, seemingly happy. For most of that time she and I lived together. She never divorced her husband, however, and it was a point of contention so many times. But I accepted her decision to stay married to him, understanding the guilt she carried from betraying him and staying married helped him to complete his undergraduate and graduate education. I provided for her, romanced her, gave her the thoughtful, caring, patient love of a lifelong companion. We traveled to Europe together, shared almost a decade of memories, built a life together. I did everything within my power to make her happy. And then she had an affair with another man. My world was torn apart. The life I had worked so hard to build for the two of us was shattered. I tried to take my own life. It was more than I could handle on my own and I sought professional help to try to make sense of what happened. She admitted that she wasn't unhappy with our relationship and promised me she would stop seeing the other man. But she couldn't bring herself to end her affair. She continued to see him, going to his bed every night and returning every morning to our home and all the while I knew and she knew I knew. I spent months in therapy while she had her affair. I spent months waiting for her to keep her promise, to decide that everything we had together was what she wanted. And I spent months being disappointed. I moved away from her, to be closer to my family with who I was estranged. That was six months ago. She and I no longer see each other but we still text each other everyday. She is living with the other man but she regrets hurting me and tells me she intends to end things with him. I understand everything she did. The thrill of the affair, the addiction to the other person, the dopamine high from being with him, the withdrawal she went through whenever she came close to ending the affair. I happily carried her through the last 7 years. But infidelity is who she is. It is her nature.
Is it ok if I rant?
Relationship Stress / by ShadesBluer
Last post
 November 1st, 2016
...See more I used to have a best friend. We talked everyday. We used to laugh together. We had inside jokes. We'd get nostalgic together. There was a decade of history between us. We made plans together. Because anything worth doing was worth doing together. My best friend was the person I loved the most in the world. And I used to be who my best friend loved more than anyone. I understand why the romance had to end. And even made the choice to lessen the pain by putting distance between us. So I gave up my best friend. Now I don't laugh as much as I used to. And these days, the nights are quieter. I wake up, eat, and go to sleep alone. The pain of betrayal is still there, dull, and fading a little more each day. But the persistent emptiness, underscored by the stillness and the quiet that are beginning to define me, reminds me all the more of how much I miss my best friend.
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