Struggling in a Sexless Marriage
A little bit of back story, my husband and I have been married for almost a year, but because of visa issues we've been having to stay in different countries. I've recently come to visit him while we wait out our visa application. We used to do things like have skype sex, but he became less and less interested, eventually withdrawing completely and saying he didn't like seeing himself on camera and wasn't comfortable with himself. I accepted this, he told me we could have sex when I come see him. But whenever I tried to talk about sex or ask if he would buy condoms he would become very withdrawn and say things like "Why is everything about sex?" So I stopped pushing it and we didn't talk about it.
I waited a long 8 months until we were together again, we had sex my first night here, two weeks after that, and now it's been 6 weeks and nothing. He always rejects my advances, he tells me he doesn't feel comfortable, there's too much pressure, it's too much work. Things are actually much worse now, I'm withdrawn, I feel repressed, all I think about when we go to bed and when we wake up is how much I want him.
He refuses to go see anyone about his self esteem issues, when I ask him how I can help all he says is "I don't know" and it feels like he doesn't want to get better or for things to get better.
It feels like my needs and desires don't mean anything to him. I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to leave again and I won't know when I'll be back. I've even thought about having an affair, I wouldn't because I love my husband and treasure our marriage. But it's very tempting.
This just isn't where I thought I would be, struggling with visa issues, struggling in a sexless marriage, not even knowing when I'll be able to see my husband or live with him.
I've been married to my husband for almost 3 years now, but he is Mexican and we had to go thro the Visa process. I member for a whole year he had a drinking problem b/c he was so nervous and scared that they were going to send him back to Mexico. That is probably what is on your husband's mind.
@TransAm85 I hope you're right, and that things will get better once all our visa issues are resolved. But I just don't know any more, things were supposed to get better once I visited as well 😔
@pheonixsan men are different. They don't express their feelings the same. They'd rather chug all their feelings of pain down w/a bottle of beer than talk to their wife sometimes. Try to ask him what's really wrong.
@pheonixsan
When a man is overly stressed sometimes his body responds by sending the wrong chemicals and signals which shuts off certain receptors which means his sex drive is the first to go because of all of the other pressing demands his brain has determined are vital to keep things balanced. Now, this is not true for ALL men and I am not generalizing but this is a sample case. I do not know your husband, do not know his history, and certainly I'm going off what you've stated thus far in a post (symptoms). While I hate to make an armchair guess, it is one possibility. Some other possibilities? Perhaps there are cultural and even religious reasons why this is happening as well. I would be curious to know as to how you both came together and if there were signs of this from the very beginning which may have been ignored.
There is no question, you're in a very difficult spot. You've realized this which is why you've reached out for help because clearly you haven't been getting anywhere.
Let's say that everything is functioning the right way, it isn't stress, and he just happens to have a low sex drive. There isn't much that you can really do about it without his willingness. Men also do not respond well to going to any sense of a doctor especially when it comes to issues below the belt, that is pride... and pride has certainly killed a few marriages.
I sense a bit of self-blame for your situation with him. While in hindsight, the type of discovery a lot of couples should do prior to getting married is making sure that your basic needs are covered, which includes sexual frequency and quality.
You can continue to talk to him and help him understand your needs - but I have a feeling that you will probably get to a point to where it seems like you're talking to a wall. You can recommend therapy but it's so early in your marriage to begin a therapy spread.
Whatever you decide to do with your marriage and your situation with him - understand that your needs DO matter. While you've been contemplating an affair, I assure you that it probably will not end well. One of you will get attached no matter what is agreed upon in the beginning, then it gets messy. Work your situation out with him by talking it out - you may find yourself in a very different situation after the visa is completed - in fact, I'll bet that some things iron themselves out for you without you having to make any effort at all.
Keep us updated, if you can.