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pheonixsan
1,615 M Little Steps 6
PathStep 45 Compassion hearts33 Forum posts5 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2017 Member sinceJuly 28, 2015
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A very complicated situation (TRIGGER WARNING: possible abuse and sexual assault)
Relationship Stress / by pheonixsan
Last post
 May 22nd, 2017
...See more My husband and I have been having some problems for the last year and a half, particularly with communication and physical intimacy. He has become depressed, withdrawn, uninterested in physical affection for the most part, and unreceiving to any sexual advances. At first I took it very personally, I was very hurt as I couldn't help but feel that it was just me he was no longer interested. Eventually he opened up more about his depression and I realized it was his own issues he was wrestling with. But still no resolution for our sexual problems, and it should be noted that at one point we had a fulfilling sex life. We finally had a real conversation about it last night, and apparently the last time we had sex, which was a year and half ago, he said he forced himself to go through with it because he felt like I wanted it. This was absolutely devastating to hear, as I suffer from PTSD from a previous abusive relationship. At this point my PTSD had been triggered and I began to have a very severe episode, I felt like my world had just come down around me and I had become my abusers. I really felt like I had sexually assaulted my husband, and to me it seemed like all the signs were there. Depression, personality changes, weight gain, discomfort with physical touches. My husband vehemently denied any wrong doing on my part, which really only made me feel worse, because to me it was as if I had been abusing him the entire time and he simply couldn't see it. He told me he didn't feel like he couldn't say no, but he also felt like he had to say yes. And in my eyes, if it's not a complete, safe, secure yes, it's sexual assault. I, of course, realized once I had recovered from my episode of PTSD that it's possible that I was imprinting my own traumas upon the situation because I felt it to be similar, but I also can't help but wonder if I have been abusing my husband? Did I sexually assault my husband? How can I really know if he doesn't think so?
Struggling in a Sexless Marriage
Relationship Stress / by pheonixsan
Last post
 April 29th, 2016
...See more A little bit of back story, my husband and I have been married for almost a year, but because of visa issues we've been having to stay in different countries. I've recently come to visit him while we wait out our visa application. We used to do things like have skype sex, but he became less and less interested, eventually withdrawing completely and saying he didn't like seeing himself on camera and wasn't comfortable with himself. I accepted this, he told me we could have sex when I come see him. But whenever I tried to talk about sex or ask if he would buy condoms he would become very withdrawn and say things like "Why is everything about sex?" So I stopped pushing it and we didn't talk about it. I waited a long 8 months until we were together again, we had sex my first night here, two weeks after that, and now it's been 6 weeks and nothing. He always rejects my advances, he tells me he doesn't feel comfortable, there's too much pressure, it's too much work. Things are actually much worse now, I'm withdrawn, I feel repressed, all I think about when we go to bed and when we wake up is how much I want him. He refuses to go see anyone about his self esteem issues, when I ask him how I can help all he says is "I don't know" and it feels like he doesn't want to get better or for things to get better. It feels like my needs and desires don't mean anything to him. I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to leave again and I won't know when I'll be back. I've even thought about having an affair, I wouldn't because I love my husband and treasure our marriage. But it's very tempting. This just isn't where I thought I would be, struggling with visa issues, struggling in a sexless marriage, not even knowing when I'll be able to see my husband or live with him.
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