How do you know when youre ready?

@Yourenotalone123

Hi there. I will share a little of my story with you. First things first: don't ever let anyone pressure you into anything sexual if you're not ready or don't feel comfortable. Your body belongs to you, not them, and someone who truly cares will respect your boundaries. NEVER give in if you arent 100% comfortable, because you will truly regret it.

As far as when youre ready…that is up to you. I say this having made it through several years of college and graduate school without being sexually active, and though I was not a slut, I did have at least two fairly serious boyfriends then and a few casual flings in between. My feelings ran deep for at least two of them…but when it came to ‘doing it, it did not happen because I didnt feel ready, even though I loved them. That is a decision Im proud of even today, because looking back, it was fairly obvious they were interested in just sex, not me and how I felt. That is why I said that about the pressure, because oh boy, did they pressure me-name calling, threats, telling me their friends wanted to know 'how I was...', etc.. But if it does not feel right to you…DO NOT DO IT. Anything. Kissing, cuddling, oral, anal, anything. A guy (or girl) who truly cares will respect your right to say ‘no or 'stop.' And if they dont, why would you want to be with that person? Make sure you are with someone who truly cares about you.

As far as bad and the pain: I was finally ready and lost my virginity a few years ago, when I was 27. I felt ready because I was with someone who cared about me as a person and my opinions/intelligence and wasn't immediately interested in me as a sexual object. I can only speak for myself, everyone is different, but it was painful for a few days after ‘the deed was done. For me it was like a bad case of cramps. I did bleed that first night; that is normal, thats from your hymen breaking. It was painful for me the first few times and my OB/GYN told me that such is normal; it takes time for your body to get used to such. Basically, the more you do it, the less it hurts and your body adjusts to such.

Once you get used to the feeling, it can be very pleasurable, both giving and receiving. I will also tell you that it is very rare for the girl to orgasm (again, dont know your sexual orientation, going from my personal experience) when the guy is on top. In my case I have always orgasmed first, which in turn makes it easier for the guy to have his turn, because your body is already prepared ‘spacing wise.

There are many different ways to do it as well. I will say anal takes some getting used to and when I have done it I get nothing out of it, more or less I am letting my guy enjoy himself. But the thing is you have to be with someone who cares and respects you. And you have to be with someone who is in sync. As in, if it hurts or something feels wrong, you have to tell your partner so you can fix it. Communication is absolutely key. Otherwise if youre not enjoying it they will feel awful because youre getting nothing out of the experience. The guy I lost my virginity to, he would get upset because those first few times he knew I was in pain and so he couldnt enjoy it himself. And he was nervous the day I consulted my OB/GYN, we were both scared there was something wrong with me. Nope. But that was a good thing, that he cared so much.

Last thing I can offer you: make sure you are on some form of preventive before you become sexually active. And dont just run out there and pick up something cheap. Do some research, talk to your doctor, get a prescription. If you have insurance it should cover your birth control. I had to switch birth control before I found a pill that worked for me. Me, I am not financially or personally ready to become a mother, so being responsible for my actions is essential to my overall enjoyment. Pregnancy scares are not fun (when your period is a few days late); I have always been terrified when my cycle is a few days off. On the days when youre on the ‘blanks of your pill (which is normally when your period should be occurring) you can get other preventives- gels, wraps…have a discussion about condoms with your partner. When I am on my blanks I have always used a gel that I insert down there. It has been effective.

Oh! And once you become sexually active, after youve gotten birth control, make sure you have regular checkups and testing with your OB/GYN. If you are over 21 you should already be doing this with PAP smears and the like, but given how people keep things from each other, it is well worth the cost to get tested. Even if your partner/boyfriend/whoever says they are clean, GET TESTED. This will typically be blood and urine testing, and you will need to ask to be tested for herpes. I have HSV1 and though I have only had two outbreaks and generally herpes is just a mild skin condition/cold sores that occur down there, the initial outbreak is not something I would ever wish on anyone. I was already scared thanks to the stigma surrounding herpes and the symptoms (fever, throwing up, extreme pain from the sores, sinuses, fluctuating temperatures, fatigue, headaches, pain all over my body) did not help at all. So get your blood drawn, live with that little prick of the needle, and save yourself a lot of grief once a year.

I hope this helps all of you. You deserve an honest answer and I hope I gave that to you. If you have any questions, I will do my best to answer them.

@Yourenotalone123 Make sure it is w/someone you care for. Use protection. Afterwards, start seeing an OBGYN. Yes, it hurts a little the first time, but not severely. I was in a hurry to have sex and see how it felt, so when I was 18, I asked this guy who was basically just a friend if he wanted to do it. He was merely a friend and I had no emotional/physical attraction to him at all! After school, we went to his house b/c his parents were at work. Your first time is something you will never forget, so don't be in such a rush if you are single. Plus, this generation has so many open relationships, so there are many diseases/AIDS/HPV .. Be careful.

@Yourenotalone123

I grew up in a house hold that was very open in the subject... when I asked when I was ready my aunt looked at me and said... when you can take your clothes off with the lights on and know yourself intimately you will know when the time is right.

The message has a lot of the hidden stuff in it and now I look back I know it was brilliant.

As for the first time, it can hurt a bit... it did not for me. Depending on what happens you can have muscle soreness.. more associated with using new muscles.

The only additionsl suggestion I could add is, be educated.. understand your body, your partners body and the complications and facts about sex,

@Yourenotalone123 Fyi, the idea that it's supposed to hurt is false. This is a sign (if you have a vagina) that you may not be aroused enough.