CleopatraElizabethI Member Profile

He Won't Let Me Go

Relationship Stress / by CleopatraElizabethI

October 14th, 2016

...See more So I've posted in this section twice before about this guy. Same guy, new scenario. And it's got me on the verge of a mental breakdown. Been involved with this guy off and on for more than two years. The big problem we have is he likes to date more than one woman at a time. Since last year, he has been seeing a 43 year old (he is 50, I am 29) and a 26 year old besides me. I was initially okay with this as long as we were all treated equally. That has not happened. He has cancelled dates with me because the others do not know he is a multi-dater and so when one of them wants to come over, he cancels on me. Sometimes he reschedules, sometimes he does not. The 43 year old found out about me a few months ago and demanded he dump me, but he told her no. (and yes I know I have put up with this for far too long) At this point I moved to another state for a good job opportunity. I am a few hours away from him as he is currently working a temporary assignment for his job two hours away from me. He encouraged me to take the job and said we could set up regular nights where we would take turns seeing each other. A few weeks ago I went to him and we had a nice evening. The next day he was all distant on me with no good reason at all, and that weekend I barely heard from him despite me asking what was going on. I said enough was enough and was ready to move on. He popped up via text a few days later saying he was busy and he would come see me on a different night from what we had agreed on. He wouldn't say why but it wasn't hard to figure out that one of the others was available on a night he had reserved for me and he did not want to turn her down in favor of seeing me like we had agreed. Add in the stress of him getting distant after I had driven two hours to see him and I went ballistic. I told him that if he preferred them he shouldn't have made an agreement with me when we could see each other if he was just going to break it as he saw fit. They could have him. That said, he is about to return to his regular place of work as his assignment is ending. He had given me a key to the house he was renting during his temporary assignment and I wanted to return it to him. This occurred last week. I just wanted to briefly meet up as I did not trust the mail with someone else's key, swap things, and let that be the end of it. And I told him such when I blew up at him. He never responded. The next day there was nothing so I formally requested that we schedule swapping. We had a dogfight and I told him I had accepted that he preferred the others and so I just wanted to move on. He said we could meet up next week (this week) to swap. Next day he pops up and he's all sweet and loving. Sorry, not buying it though some feelings remain. You can't just stop caring overnight. I asked him some questions which got ignored, and when I told him off he popped up saying he had been busy at work. Which I had no way of knowing and I told him that was part of the problem, that he never told me anything and never wanted me to support him so it was unfair to scold me for not knowing his plans. And that I knew moving on was the right thing. Cue the weekend. He sends me a picture from an event he's working without any context. So I politely told him to stop bothering me unless he wanted to schedule when we could swap our items. Didn't hear anything from him after that the rest of the day or Sunday and I'm ok with this. I just want peace and to move on. Yesterday comes around. He had initially suggested we meet up and swap keys as he would have the day off. I still had to work, but expected to hear from him in regard to a time and place. Nothing the whole day. So finally I asked when did he want to meet up and swap. He is moving back to his regular place of work this upcoming weekend, and there's no point in either of us driving too far to swap. So I said he had til Friday at 5pm to make arrangements. I am busy too and need to plan out my schedule. He finally responded to that and was very ugly, cussing me out and telling me not to make threats. I did not stoop to his level and calmly explained why I gave a deadline. He said he was stressed out with everything he had to do and was "very sad over all this." I told him I was too but did not see any other situation; he preferred spending time with the other two and I had accepted that. This led to some back and forth talking where he said he loved me and did not want to lose my love. Then why was I so easy to cancel on, I asked? He said it was because I knew about the others and was able to understand. So did that mean I was getting punished for knowing what he was like and yet sticking by him? He said no, he did not mean it that way. Conversation ended in a stalemate. No resolution; no day this week scheduled, no time, no nothing. I went to bed early very frustrated and upset with him. I have told him several times that if he prefers the others to me, that us splitting should not be a problem. Yet he does not seem to want to address when we can swap keys. I even sent him an email this morning explaining how letting me go can be only beneficial to him given the other two. I texted him this morning telling him I had emailed and to please reply, that holding onto me did no good since he still had the other two he wants to keep dating. All he would say is that he's busy and he would read it later. I am very frustrated and trying not to break down in tears at work. Why does he not want to let me go? When for a year now he has made it plain he prefers the others and has no problems cancelling on me for their sakes?

He Wants Me to Stick Around for the Kids

Relationship Stress / by CleopatraElizabethI

March 12th, 2016

...See more Hi there...so this is a sequel of sorts to my previous thread, "He Wanted to Commit Then Dumped Me." I'm doing better, to an extent, since I posted that. I'm allowing myself to grieve and breathe and I've been reading two self-help books that are awesome. And I've gotten more involved here and activated a full account (I tried chatting with two different Listeners and leaving them messages, but that's a different story). Here is my current dilemma. My ex has two children from his last marriage. They are both little boys, ages 6 and 9. He had been saying for a while he wanted me to meet them. I finally met them at the beginning of last month. It was very casual, very relaxed; I spent time with each child and played with them. I didn't talk down to them (I always hated it when adults did that to me as a kid) and apparently I was successful enough that, when they were going back to their mother's house, the oldest asked my ex if I could come back and visit/play again. This was before our issues popped up and so naturally I was thrilled that he liked me so much. My ex kept saying how it 'warmed his heart' how his 9 year old was so taken with me. After that we started having problems (see other thread for details). But the weekend popped up, and I had said I would come visit the boys. Regardless of the issues my ex and I were having, I did not want to disappoint a child. So I kept my distance from him (again, this was before we broke up) and spent time with the boys. It was fun and I loved getting to play with them. It was when their father took them home that he asked me to spend the week with him (other thread for more details, sorry). I agreed, thinking we were going to resolve our issues and since I was now involved with the boys, maybe things were starting to get a little more serious. Then comes the breakup. We talked the day after he dumped me and one of the things he said was "I don't let just anyone meet my boys; that should have told you I was serious." Okay, fine. I have always respected the needs of the boys before mine. But yet he doesn't want me 100%; he doesn't want to be exclusive with me; he says we are incompatible/he can't meet my needs/we have different temperaments. I have come to accept all that. It is hard but I need to accept it to heal. And in a way he's right. This past weekend, I went out of state to work. Naturally we aren't talking as much. And I knew he would have the boys at his house this weekend. During a lull at work, he texted to say he had the boys and I was welcome to come hang out. I care about those boys, I would not hurt them for the world (I suppose I got attached to them before I ever met them thanks to him sharing stories about them)...but going back into that environment would be painful. Spending time with them but knowing their father doesn't want me. We got into a brief argument about this. He got mad at me, saying I had promised I would not cut them off like a previous ex had done. I do not remember making such a promise, but at the same time it does sound like something I would say. I told him I was away on business and could not make it to his house. He said they had been asking about me and all he told them was he had invited me over. Yesterday I was back in state and was available to see the boys, despite my mixed feelings. And my ex knew that, yet he did not invite me over. We talked a little and he said they had been asking about me again. I asked him what he told them and chewed him out somewhat via text, saying "you knew I was available after 1pm, yet you didn't invite me over and I'm not showing up unannounced." He has been quiet since. So...in addition to my other feelings, this is tearing me up inside, that the boys like me enough to want to see me. They don't know what's going on between us and I have no idea what he told them yesterday. I like them...but at the same time, I don't want to be around their father if he doesn't want to date me. Anyone else been in this sort of dilemma before? I suppose technically it's not my dilemma, it's my ex's (he doesn't want me but his boys want to see me)...but I care. That is my weakness, I care. Would appreciate any words of wisdom. I am trying so hard to be strong but I keep breaking down in tears.

He Wanted to Commit Then Dumped Me?

Relationship Stress / by CleopatraElizabethI

March 1st, 2016

...See more My guy and I have been casually dating for a year now. We are co-workers. He says he loves me and I love him, but most of the time he has been seeing two other women as well; one of them is also a co-worker. At first I tried to be okay with it and go on dates with other guys, but recently I realized that I did not want to be an option to him anymore. I did not like 'sharing' him. And so I told him I couldn't handle things the way they were; he's always saying he loves me very much and can't be without me. I told him I wanted to be exclusive. He said he didn't want to be, even though he had ended things with one of the women and was planning to with the other. I said, okay, fine, good luck with life. A few days later, he approached me and said he had thought and knew what he wanted, he wanted to be exclusive with me. I was still wary, especially given that he said, in regard to his break-up with the second woman, the co-worker, that it would "occur at the proper time." What did that mean? He said he did not like big blow-up confrontational breakups, but preferred slow withdrawals as it hurt both sides less. And he said he would end things with her in no more than two months. He has also said, since he started seeing her, that there was no future there, that he didn't see her as long-term, and didn't trust her. Naturally I was still skeptical and kept up my guard. I should also add, right before he said he wanted to commit to me, that I met his kids. It was very casual, but they absolutely loved me and kept asking him when I could come over again after our first visit together. This past week, I had some time off from work and so he asked if I would stay with him a few days and could play with the kids. I did and thought everything was fine, aside from a misunderstanding that we cleared up that night (misunderstanding being he had some work to do online and told me it would only take a few minutes when in actuality it took several hours, and I got annoyed with him). Day after the misunderstanding, he had to go to work. He was distant most of the day and I asked him what was going on. He said he wasn't sure if we were compatible in some areas, and he thought I had needs he couldn't meet. Out of the blue, after saying for weeks on end he wanted to commit and be with me and seeing how well his kids and I got along. I asked him to explain and he wouldn't. When he got home, he said he was just tired and would explain the following day. We had a nice evening in spite of this. Next day, same thing happened-distance. When he got home from work, he said he had some work to do online, and this time I was aware it would take some time and so I kept to myself. I wanted to ask him to explain the previous day, but did not want to fight, either. I thought things were peaceful. Day after, he seemed distant when leaving for work. I texted him later in the day to ask what was going on. He said he thought our needs and temperaments were out of sync and that we weren't compatible and that we should end things. He said he was sad and his heart was heavy, and he promised he was not ending things to be with someone else (read: co-worker). The next day, we had to work together. I had planned to be calm and not say anything, but when I saw him and the co-worker together (I didn't actually see them kissing, but they both acted so flustered when they saw me I feel sure they were doing such) I made a snarky remark about him having a good morning. He promptly told me to shut up and we went at it. In addition to the previous remarks (not compatible), he said all week that I had been at this house he had felt tense and thought I was unhappy, and that I stressed him out and it shouldn't have to be that way. He also said I wasn't as mature as he'd thought, and I asked him how he went from wanting commitment to incompatibility and if he'd had a problem, why didn't he say something earlier in the week. He didn't exactly explain it too well. He said he had hoped things were going to work out, but he didn't think they would. For the sake of professionalism, he said we could talk more later and I agreed since we were both at work. We stuck to neutral conversation the rest of the day and when I asked him when we could talk, he said the next time we worked together. I could ask questions, he said. I have not seen or heard from him since. We are supposed to see/work together/talk in a few days. My question is, how could he go from wanting to commit to suddenly dumping me and blaming me for it all? He flat out said he didn't let just anyone spend time with his kids, that that should have told me he was serious about things. So if that's true, how could he so quickly go from that mindset and wanting me to distance and saying we're incompatible?

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