When the love disappears
Do you know the line, " for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part" in the marriage vows? Sometimes these words lead to a lifetime of pain and regret.
I have been married for 25 years (this year). However, the love is gone from our relationship and now I feel trapped. My husband is an alcoholic. This is his 3rd relapse and I am at the end of my endurance. I finally started getting the help I need to get better recently. But I and my children (all over 18) will never recover as long as we are in contact with him. Each day I am subjugated to his verbal abuse. I don't talk back because that will only make him angrier. I have also been recently diagnosed with PTSD from my childhood, and anxiety which means that during high stress incidents, I freeze/ shut down. We don't talk because he can't remember anything- his brain is mush. He doesn't even know/care what is going on in his own kids' lives. I know its y fault because I married him, but he wasn't like this during the first 10 +years we were together. I stayed because I felt it was better for the kids to have a roof over their heads. I wasn't in the position to support them as a single mother. I'm still not. My oldest daughter left right after high school. The 2 youngest opted to stay, possibly to support/protect me. He only hit me once, a long time ago. I should have left then.
Now I don't know what will happen. Does anyone out there have any similar experiences? How did you handle it? Do you have any suggestions?
Thank you to everyone for your support.
@NotAllHere713
Hello and yes i am you.... in a way .............mine finally kicked it after many relapses and several DUI and thousands out in fines and tickets. we can not look back with 20/20 hindsight and not say i could have / should have.... I will tell you now the long term damage sucks... one child has not spoken to dad in a decade.... others simply are polite but have no feelings towards him ......... and me well the added bonus of long term alcohol abuse is cognitive issues. He forgets a lot and even sober i feel i will be a caregiver for someone that at some point may not even know who i am....
i have showed him the path he is on is one HE and HE alone has chosen.... It is easy to no longer have any feelings for someone we once loved..... I have demanded he gets the therapy he needs and he accepts that when things go downhill no one but him is to blame and he made that choice for both of us. If you are strong enough to be on your own or with one of your kids...... Leave.....enjoy what life you have and do not feel bad about it those vows were broken by his betrayal to not be there for you... to self inflict this on both of you.
@toughTiger6481
Thank you for your support. It comforts me and at the same time depresses me that this type of behavior is common in alcoholics. My kids are only civil with him-but do not talk to him because he doesn't remember what they tell him anyways. I'm going to a therapist and I have a psych. I am working on having the courage and self-confidence to make the choice to leave.
@NotAllHere713
I'm sorry to hear about the pain and challenges you're facing, NotAllHere713. It's clear that you've been through a lot, and it's understandable to feel trapped in a difficult situation like this. Here are a few thoughts and suggestions that might help:
Prioritize Your Safety and Well-being: Your safety and mental health are paramount. If you're in a situation where you feel unsafe due to verbal abuse or any form of mistreatment, consider reaching out to local support services or organizations that specialize in helping individuals in abusive relationships.
Seek Support: It's crucial to have a support network during this time. Whether it's friends, family members, or support groups like this one, having people who can listen to you and offer emotional support can make a significant difference. You might also consider individual counseling to work through the trauma and anxiety you're experiencing.
Focus on Your Healing: Healing from trauma and managing anxiety are important steps in rebuilding your life. Consider therapy or support groups that specialize in PTSD and anxiety to help you navigate these challenges.
Take Small Steps: Making changes can be overwhelming, so take small steps towards your goals. Whether it's setting boundaries with your husband, exploring options for your future, or seeking legal advice, each step forward is progress.
Remember, you deserve to live a life free from abuse and unhappiness. It's never easy to make decisions in situations like this, but reaching out for support and exploring your options can empower you to make the best choices for yourself and your children. Take care of yourself first and foremost. 🤗
@BlossomGirvan
Thank you for your words of wisdom. I know deep down that I will never get better if I stay with him. But I don't have the self-confidence to leave. He literally killed whatever self-esteem I had. We have not been intimate for a while. I'm not attracted to him anymore- I can't stand being near him. He blames it on my hormones, but he refuses to acknowledge his part in our deteriorating relationship. I sent my son to stay with my parents so he could have a break from his father. But my middle daughter is still here and she rarely interacts with him. I feel trapped and its my fault. I don't know how to escape.
@NotAllHere713
I'm truly sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're in a very difficult situation, but acknowledging the problem is a significant first step. It's important to know that you are not at fault for feeling trapped, and there are steps you can take to regain control of your life.
Rebuilding confidence after experiencing a challenging relationship can take time and effort, but it's absolutely possible.
Focus on self-care practices to rebuild your self-esteem. This could include hobbies, exercise, meditation, or anything that makes you feel good about yourself.
Allow yourself to feel and process your emotions without judgment. Understand that it's okay to have gone through what you did.
Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness and understanding. Replace self-criticism with supportive and affirming thoughts.
Set achievable goals that align with your interests and values. Accomplishing even small tasks can boost your confidence and sense of control.
Acknowledge and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small they may seem. Recognizing your progress can reinforce positive self-esteem.
Challenge negative self-talk and replace it with more realistic and positive affirmations. Recognize your strengths and achievements.
Practice mindfulness techniques or meditation to cultivate present-moment awareness and reduce stress. This can promote a more balanced perspective.
Rebuilding confidence is a journey that takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and celebrate progress, even if it feels gradual...
By taking these steps, you can gradually rebuild your confidence and regain a sense of self-worth and empowerment. Each person's journey is unique, so finding what works best for her and taking things at your own pace will be key...
You deserve to feel loved, respected, and valued. You are stronger than you realize, and there is a path to a better future even if you dont see it now.. 🌹🤗
