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Seeking Advice for Relationship Issue

abcxyz001 November 27th, 2022

My boyfriend told me that someone from his office (the particular coworker apparently being unknown to him) left a bottle of his favorite cologne on his desk with no card, note or justifiable reason (like a holiday or work-related event/occasion). This troubled me (still does) and we have been fighting about it because he cannot understand why I would see anything negative about this, and despite my best efforts, I cannot get him to see it from my perspective.


To me, cologne is a very personal, almost intimate, gift, so I question whether this is even appropriate.

I also find it odd that he either truly doesn't know or doesn't want to know who gave him this gift.

And finally, I am suspicious as to why a coworker would gift this to him anonymously.


Without having anyone else to ask - and with my boyfriend making me feel like I am so far removed from current normal trends and behaviors of people - I need to know from someone unbiased...Am I wrong to question the story and/or the motives/meaning?


Thank you to the entire community in advance.

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toughTiger6481 November 27th, 2022

@abcxyz001

Honestly the world of work has changed and someone could give gifts as a harmless gesture i do see why you may question it but is this really the battle you want to fight about trust?

If he claims he does not know why or Who why is that so hard to believe?

maybe someone is interested but clearly this could be where he did not see that coming and really does not know.



5 replies
abcxyz001 OP November 28th, 2022

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

I wouldn't say that this is the battle I want to fight (it really started off with me just posing questions - who, why, how, etc. - even though I admit they were coming from my insecurities about our relationship). Rather, this is really more like just another in a long line of trust-related battles, especially surrounding what feels like a completely separate life of his.

I really do respect and appreciate your perspective.

Just one final thought since you seem to agree that the work world has changed...If truly harmless, why the secrecy on the part of the gifter?

4 replies
toughTiger6481 November 28th, 2022

@abcxyz001

i say that because the places i have worked now people have no issue in stepping over the invisible boundaries between life and work..... i knew a few who randomly bought gifts to seem super generous or something .. i never really understood what motivates them to buy things for people they barely know.

sorry you are having other trust issues that is a never ending battle and frankly think if a person is playing games they should see it in themselves and walk away from putting a partner through that crap

3 replies
abcxyz001 OP November 28th, 2022

Thank you again. A lot of the time it's more about how we deal with things than the actual things themselves. Like would I have preferred that he actually like the initial cologne I got for him? Yes. And when he didn't, would I have preferred to be the one who bought the scent he really wanted? Of course (which is why I did, just got beat out in giving it to him by this secret not-so-Santa lol). It's those things that can be fixed, though. Ultimately, I just want to trust him and feel heard when I have concerns but it's his reactions and responses that kill things...like in this case, his suggestion that he just not tell me things anymore.

2 replies
toughTiger6481 November 28th, 2022

@abcxyz001

I agree.... i find some people just need it completely spelled out ....

tell him how you felt and you want your relationship to be open and clear not secrets and spinning a tale. i have similar issues and actions speak far louder then words ............and secrets and half truths only kill a future.

1 reply
abcxyz001 OP November 28th, 2022

Total facts. I really wonder if he will ever be as honest and transparent as I want him to be...as I am. And also, who holds the most fault...him for making the choice or me for possibly making him feel the choice is necessary.

I'm sorry to hear you have a similar struggle. Happy to lend a listening ear whenever and thank you again for offering yours tonight.

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dukeofdearham November 28th, 2022

He didn't do anything wrong.

Just tell him it makes you feel insecure, or whatever. But don't take out your feelings on him.

5 replies
abcxyz001 OP November 28th, 2022

Thank you for your response. I'm not necessary saying I think he did something wrong (other than his reaction to me when I did just what you suggested - expressed my feelings about the situation). It was more a question of should this be something that even makes me insecure? And how normal is it for a coworker to anonymously gift something that is expensive and (at least to me) personal. Maybe that's difficult to assess without all the background but again, I appreciate you taking the time to give your thoughts.

4 replies
dukeofdearham November 28th, 2022

@abcxyz001,

why should this make you feel unsecured for starters?

He did tell you. I he was not to be trusted then we wouldn't have told you.

No offense but the way you react, no matter how understandable, will only push him away and let him not tell you next time.

The question is, what can YOU do to feel more trust?

3 replies
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dukeofdearham November 28th, 2022

I do understand the situation. Hence my advice. Yes, you make a problem out of nowhere. You overthink. You create your own story and keep putting wasted energy in it. You don't deserve doing that to yourself. It does damage to you and others close to you. Unfortunately I know what I am talking about and I paid a high price.

EarMaster November 28th, 2022

@abcxyz001

Hello there! Thanks for taking the time to share about such stress you’ve been dealing with. Would you like to have a one on one conversation about this? If so, don’t hesitate to send me a message. Have a wonderful day! 😊