Seeking Advice for Relationship Issue
My boyfriend told me that someone from his office (the particular coworker apparently being unknown to him) left a bottle of his favorite cologne on his desk with no card, note or justifiable reason (like a holiday or work-related event/occasion). This troubled me (still does) and we have been fighting about it because he cannot understand why I would see anything negative about this, and despite my best efforts, I cannot get him to see it from my perspective.
To me, cologne is a very personal, almost intimate, gift, so I question whether this is even appropriate.
I also find it odd that he either truly doesn't know or doesn't want to know who gave him this gift.
And finally, I am suspicious as to why a coworker would gift this to him anonymously.
Without having anyone else to ask - and with my boyfriend making me feel like I am so far removed from current normal trends and behaviors of people - I need to know from someone unbiased...Am I wrong to question the story and/or the motives/meaning?
Thank you to the entire community in advance.
@abcxyz001
Honestly the world of work has changed and someone could give gifts as a harmless gesture i do see why you may question it but is this really the battle you want to fight about trust?
If he claims he does not know why or Who why is that so hard to believe?
maybe someone is interested but clearly this could be where he did not see that coming and really does not know.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.
I wouldn't say that this is the battle I want to fight (it really started off with me just posing questions - who, why, how, etc. - even though I admit they were coming from my insecurities about our relationship). Rather, this is really more like just another in a long line of trust-related battles, especially surrounding what feels like a completely separate life of his.
I really do respect and appreciate your perspective.
Just one final thought since you seem to agree that the work world has changed...If truly harmless, why the secrecy on the part of the gifter?
@abcxyz001
i say that because the places i have worked now people have no issue in stepping over the invisible boundaries between life and work..... i knew a few who randomly bought gifts to seem super generous or something .. i never really understood what motivates them to buy things for people they barely know.
sorry you are having other trust issues that is a never ending battle and frankly think if a person is playing games they should see it in themselves and walk away from putting a partner through that crap
Thank you again. A lot of the time it's more about how we deal with things than the actual things themselves. Like would I have preferred that he actually like the initial cologne I got for him? Yes. And when he didn't, would I have preferred to be the one who bought the scent he really wanted? Of course (which is why I did, just got beat out in giving it to him by this secret not-so-Santa lol). It's those things that can be fixed, though. Ultimately, I just want to trust him and feel heard when I have concerns but it's his reactions and responses that kill things...like in this case, his suggestion that he just not tell me things anymore.
@abcxyz001
I agree.... i find some people just need it completely spelled out ....
tell him how you felt and you want your relationship to be open and clear not secrets and spinning a tale. i have similar issues and actions speak far louder then words ............and secrets and half truths only kill a future.
He didn't do anything wrong.
Just tell him it makes you feel insecure, or whatever. But don't take out your feelings on him.
Thank you for your response. I'm not necessary saying I think he did something wrong (other than his reaction to me when I did just what you suggested - expressed my feelings about the situation). It was more a question of should this be something that even makes me insecure? And how normal is it for a coworker to anonymously gift something that is expensive and (at least to me) personal. Maybe that's difficult to assess without all the background but again, I appreciate you taking the time to give your thoughts.
@abcxyz001,
why should this make you feel unsecured for starters?
He did tell you. I he was not to be trusted then we wouldn't have told you.
No offense but the way you react, no matter how understandable, will only push him away and let him not tell you next time.
The question is, what can YOU do to feel more trust?
I feel insecure about it because someone - could very well be another female - not only knew his favorite cologne somehow, but decided, for no apparent reason, to buy it for him (despite the cost) and did so in secret. To me, it's unsettling and raises so many questions in my mind...none of which he cared about or was interested in answering.
You're right about the part where he told me (though, again, the missing back story is that he often isn't forthcoming and transparent about things) - but I'm not sure there is anything I can do to make myself trust him, especially when I keep finding reasons not to.
Besides, shouldn't it the other way around? Shouldn't he be giving me reasons to trust him?
@abcxyz001,
no.
You should trust him. Often we expect of others to "fix" our personal issues.
That is not how it works. You should deal with your issues. He is in no way responsible for that.
You can ask of course for understanding and support, but you have to work on you.
If not, you will keep on feeling the same and worse and keep on doing what you are doing now, creating a problem that doesn't exist.
I'm not sure that with only the limited information given here you can assert that I should simply trust him (especially when my issue is that he doesn't act trustworthy) and that I am creating a problem that doesn't exist. I didn't create this. I responded to it. People are entitled to their feelings. And if this situation made me feel uncomfortable, that's just what it made me feel. Further, if I present my feelings to my partner, I expect them to be dealt with properly - not met with hostility and threats of withholding - because that only gives me more cause to be justifiably suspicious...and that doesn't feel like my personal issue, that feels directly tied to his behavior.
I do understand the situation. Hence my advice. Yes, you make a problem out of nowhere. You overthink. You create your own story and keep putting wasted energy in it. You don't deserve doing that to yourself. It does damage to you and others close to you. Unfortunately I know what I am talking about and I paid a high price.
@abcxyz001
Hello there! Thanks for taking the time to share about such stress you’ve been dealing with. Would you like to have a one on one conversation about this? If so, don’t hesitate to send me a message. Have a wonderful day! 😊
