Second Guessing
Last Saturday, I was determined to tell my wife that I wanted to separate. I won't go into too many details. We have been married 28 years, have 2 adult children, and both work full time. Things have been difficult for a very long time. I had come to a point a couple of times before wanting to separate but didn't because I didn't want to harm my children and disappoint my family. I had a very strict religious upbringing and have been warring against myself with that as well.
The conversation with my wife got very emotional. 28 years is a long time, regardless. In the end, I agreed to couples therapy.
Since then, I've been struggling. I feel like I made that choice because it's what's expected of me. I've been sad and angry with myself for not standing firm on leaving. I chose what was expected of me. I chose not disappointing my family. I chose not angering my daughters. I chose what my upbringing said I should. I chose what other people say I should want, not what I wanted.
A friend of mine said it. The choice had to be for me, not my wife or others. When it came down to it, the choice I made wasn't for me. It was for others. People that are important to me, yes, but not me.
And I regret that choice.
I regret that I did what I've always done - what's expected of me - not because I wanted it, but to please others.
I said it today in my therapy session. I don't really believe she will change. She's shown no real evidence of that during our marriage. I've bent. I've tried. She said she needed something from me, I gave it to her. I said I needed something from her, she told why she can't or won't and then she didn't. Why did I think this time would be different? Because she cried? Because things got emotional?
When do I choose what I want instead of what's expected of me!
I'm tired of being sad, miserable, upset and fearful. I want to be happy. I want to have joy,. I'm sick of crying and feeling stupid. I'm tired of hiding what I'm doing. These feelings are borne out of frustration with myself for always choosing what's expected of me, or if I don't choose what's expected of me, hiding that choice out of fear of what others will think. Frustration that I am not making choices for me, but for others.
I don't want this. I don't want to waste time. I don't want to decide something based on other's expectations. I want to live the life I want, how I want and the way I want.
I'm open to input.
@minbuckeye
You are speaking i am sure to more then a few of us that always settled on things because what was expected.... we settled when we really wanted something else. .......we tried and tried and got very little or nothing in return.
i am glad you spoke up at therapy... continue to do so if you have more sessions. Marriage is a team sport and if you get nothing in return you should not stay....
Time in does not mean you must stay... grown kids do not mean you must stay.. even religious upbringing does not mean to stay unhappy. Be firm and realize if you do not work to be happy .... no one else will.
@minbuckeye,
sounds like you have been living for others way more than you have been living for you.
And you apparently made up your mind long time ago. You're done, and want to finally live YOUR life.
Seems you're talking about divorce actually. Couples therapy is not a bad idea, if, and only if, you want to try to connect with your wife so you can part, and maybe stay on, friendly terms. Also because the two of you have kids. You have to decide though, this is about you and you only.
If we parted, it would be on friendly terms. Neither of us are thr vindictive sort. I appreciate your input a lot.
@minbuckeye
Its OK to be angry. You have a lot of regret and resentment. Many religions and cultures tell us it is wrong to be angry. But angry is just a feeling. Feelings are not right or wrong.
It's what we do with them that matters. I agree with the poster who says the therapy is a good thing. Because you can use it for you, not for what other people want. Use it to learn how how to use that anger to get what you want. Use it to learn how to communicate assertively but kindly. Because that's the route to getting what you want without hurting others.
You sound very frustrated with yourself. And that's OK too. It's hard to change a pattern that's been ingrained in you. It's hard to stand up for yourself when you've been taught to do the opposite. Try to give it time. You will get there. You know what you want. So you will get there. One step at a time is OK. You've already taken the first step. The others will follow.
You come across as a good person who has tried their very best to do what they were taught was the right thing. There's no shame in that. And there is no shame in realising that what you were taught was not right for you. In fact, that takes immense courage. You are important and you deserve to enjoy life too.
