Parental burnout
I work from home about 70% of the time. So our daughter (1) is home with me when I am WFH. My wife works outside the home. We both work pretty high stress jobs that are mentally draining. But I’m finding that my wife doesn’t really seem capable of splitting parenting duties very evenly. When she gets home from work, she immediately wants to nap. She gets home at roughly 4 and will nap until about 6. Sometimes our daughter will lay down and nap with her but it’s not often. So by the time she wakes up from her nap, I’ve been both parenting and working for about 12 hours. We will then eat dinner. I typically cook. At 7:30, we start getting our daughter ready for bed. As soon as she is laid down, my wife will typically go to bed as well. I will then typically take a couple hours to myself to just unwind and shut my brain off.
She does suffer from severe anxiety and panic attacks which is very energy draining. She has been prescribed meds to boost her energy levels but over the years she’s maxed out on the dosage. They pretty much only work to get her through the workday with basically no energy left. Even on weekends, she will sleep in until 11-noon. Get up for a couple hours then as soon as it’s our daughter’s nap time, she will lay down as well. 30 mins later our daughter will wake from her nap and my wife will need more time, leaving it all on me alone again.
I’ve brought it up to her, and she will try. But she’s so out of energy after a few mins that she either has to hand her back to me or make an energetic 1yo sit still in a recliner with her. More recently, I’ve been asking for breaks on the weekend Ms to either rest myself or get things done around the house. She will agree but then end up sick or with a headache.
I love her, and she tries but it’s just not enough. She often comes to me in tears because she feels like a horrible mom. There are times all our daughter wants is to play with her and she just cannot muster the energy to do it. I’ve asked her to talk to her doctor about this and she has said there’s no use. She knows the issue and there’s nothing more they can really do. I’m not going to leave her or anything, that’s not even on the table. I just don’t really know what can be done. My family is 600 miles away. Her family is local. Her mom watches our daughter when I’m not working from home. But she’s in her late 70’s and just doesn’t have the energy for me to drop her off everyday either. Things were not as bad, pre baby. She would come home and nap, but she would stay up later. She didn’t really sleep in on weekends. She had a very rough pregnancy and it just totally changed her energy levels. I don’t put any of the blame on her. I’m doing all I can to support her, but it’s absolutely burning me out. I’m not sure how much longer I can continue doing this much. It’s so difficult to watch her try and just not have the energy. I know it tears her up. I don’t want to get to the point I cannot do it either. I don’t know what options there are. She’s really against talking to her doctor about it because she thinks she just knows. It’s frustrating. I’m sure there’s something else going on. I just don’t know if there’s another way to approach it.
@Hurtandconfused86,
your wife having a stressful job on top of her issues sounds not as a good idea.
How about if she starts looking for another (part-time) job? After taking a decent break?
It’s not really plausible. It’s a high paying career that she has wanted to do all of her life. She’s been with the company for 15 years now. She took about a year off already betweeen the pregnancy and first 4 months after birth. She can’t take off more time.
@Hurtandconfused86,
I understand. What I'm trying to tell, if you're stressed and stay stressed, that's not good. Look at the stress factors and if a major one is a job, then ask yourself what is more important, your wellbeing or your career and the money that comes with it.
Well, we have a mortgage and bills so money is pretty important. Losing a 6 figure salary, on either side, is. Massive loss of money nd creates even more stress and anxiety.
@Hurtandconfused86,
I understand. Yet, consider what is more important.
It definitely seems like her mental health is a major factor in what is going on. It can even be postpartum depression on top of the mental health issues she was already having. It has to be addressed somehow for your daughter's sake for one but also for both of you. It doesn't sound like she can care for your daughter on her own at this point and if you are becoming burnt out at this point as well then there won't be anyone with a clear mind for your daughter and your daughter will end up suffering the consequences. I know it's easier said than done but you may have to give her no choice but to get help or you will have to consider other options for you and your daughter. Childcare for your daughter just a couple days a week may help your burn out but won't change the mental health of your wife. I only say that out of concern for your child because if you are not there and she is home alone with your wife who is unstable that those are the times bad things can happen. Helping yourself can also help her, right now she is enabled by you which makes it easier for her not to seek the help she needs. Like I said, it's easier said than done but so important for your daughter's well-being. Hope I didn't step over any lines sharing my thoughts.
