It’s hard when it seems like someone doesn’t want to be your friend

So I met this man at his place of work that I go to a lot a little over a year ago now. To make a long story short, he ended up having a crush on me and started talking to me a lot when I came in. I am married and 9 years older than him. I really liked him and thought he was nice. He eventually contacted me on social media and he was a lot of fun to talk to and so smart. He did flirt a lot and I tried to just keep things friendly. I do have marriage issues and self esteem issues. He would drop out of our conversations a lot and I really wanted to keep talking to him. So unfortunately, I started flirting back with him and knew that would keep his attention. I did find him very attractive and I couldn’t believe someone who looked like that would think I was attractive. Again, my self esteem issues and marriage issues came in to play here. He did the hot and cold thing a lot, especially if I didn’t follow his level of flirting. He wanted me to *** with him and tried a few times. I avoided it but I eventually did send him a picture of me in my underwear once. He was very excited when he asked me if I was sexually attracted to him and I admitted that I was. He hinted that he wanted a picture after he had sent me some pictures after I told him that I was attracted to him. He had been telling me all the time about how innocent I am and it makes him feel like a heather. After the ***, he told me that now I know that he’s very dirty. He did send some very dirty photos and videos.

Immediately after this happened, I felt horrible and very guilty. So I told my husband what happened. He has been very understanding and is willing to work it out with me.

After the ***, the other man did not talk to me for over a month. I tried to start some friendly conversations with him so maybe I could tell him about how bad I feel about what I did. I am a Christian, and I do not believe in cheating. I have been feeling horrible about such a bad example that I set for him and I caused him to sin. I had let myself get carried away in the feelings of lust I had for him. I had never really felt like that about anyone before. That is one of the issues I have had with my husband. I married him looking past that, having been taught that it isn’t all about looks. I still agree with that, but I know it’s important to be attracted to your husband as well. I’ve been praying for help with this.

Eventually, the man did start to talk to me a little bit again. He was nice and just had some friendly conversations with me. I was really still afraid to bring up what we had done. I didn’t know how to do it without him getting freaked out. He’s pretty immature from what I’ve discovered and avoids any confrontation. He also just really didn’t seem to want to talk to me very much, even after he would start the conversations himself. A few weeks ago, he started a conversation with me and then started talking about my body again. I just tried to keep it friendly and he immediately dropped lot of the conversation. I was really disappointed because I had thought he maybe was trying to be my friend. I for some reason still really liked him and wanted to still be his friend. I thought maybe there was a reason that God had brought him into my life.

I tried a few times to talk to him after this and he barely answered and then ignored my last message. I talked to some fellow Christians about what had happened and wanted to get some advice. They told me that I can’t be friends with him and were suggesting that I block him. They said it seems like the devil had used him to try to destroy my already fragile marriage. I agree that maybe that is what was going on. I was definitely sinning sexually and I know that was wrong. I just still didn’t want to cut him out of my life. I do think he is a decent person deep down, even after the way he has treated me. I know about his home life, and it wasn’t very good growing up. He didn’t have a good example for a father and that is important for someone to have. And being a Christian, I know that’s the most important thing to be in life. He was not taught that growing up either. I did take a little offense that he had completely been ignoring me and I took that as he didn’t want me in his life at all anymore. I decided to just not even acknowledge him when I would see him in public. I think he did try to get my attention a couple times when he walked by me and I just acted like I didn’t see him. I then started to worry this may have hurt his feelings. He doesn’t really know how to handle his emotions it seems, which again I believe comes from his abusive father.

Well I was reading my Bible, and a verse came up about praying for those that do you wrong. It made me feel like I needed to pray for him since he had hurt my feelings and of course because he isn’t saved and needs Jesus. So I have been praying for him and also feeling bad that I had been ignoring him instead of at least waving back at him or saying hi. I just felt like that wasn’t me being a good example. He had even in the past told me that I smiled a lot and that said a lot that he noticed that about me.

I had been really struggling with whether to ever try to talk to him again. With all the advice of not to talk to him and block him, but me also still feeling guilt and really wanting to be his friend. I read the Bible this morning and the verse talked about not repaying wrong for wrong. I thought about how I had been being rude to him. So I decided to try and have a friendly conversation with him and try one last time. I was scared he may hurt my feelings again. To my surprise, he actually answered. He was very happy and enthusiastic, so I mentioned that to him. He told me that he had actually been to church that morning. I told him that was great and I was really happy he was doing so well. I told him that I had actually felt like I needed to pray for him and had been. I told him that I thought he had seemed kind of depressed and I felt like I should pray for him in that area. He said “You have?! Thank you!!” Again, this is very enthusiastic for him and he has rarely told me thank you for anything. I told him you’re welcome and I told him that he is welcome to come to church with me anytime and I would be really happy if he did. He said he would definitely let me know if he wanted to come with me. I went ahead and asked if he had gotten saved at church since he seemed so happy. (That is how I believe you get to Heaven for anyone that doesn’t know that.). He told me that he “isn’t even close to that yet.” I told him that that is ok. I tried to keep the conversation going with him and asked if he liked the music at church since he loves music. I told him some of my favorite Christian artists. He didn’t read that text until over an hour later and he didn’t end up answering me.

I am now kind of disappointed and worried. I am kind of scared maybe I freaked him out and was too bold. I was just so happy that he was doing so much better and that maybe he had been saved at church. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked him that? I really hope he wants to be my friend, but now I’m scared he won’t ever talk to me again. If there are any of you who pray, please pray that he continues to go to church and feels like he can come to me if he has any questions or prayer requests. I did tell him that today as well. Should I not be trying to be his friend? Should I have tried to talk to him about how I was inappropriate when I had the chance today? This has all just been so hard for me. I am feeling encouraged and discouraged at the same time. I just want him to be happy and I don’t want him to avoid me. I hope he can maybe be my friend since that is all I have to offer him. I do still care about him after everything. I really hope it isn’t just trauma bonding like some people have suggested. It seems like maybe today was God showing me that maybe I did and can make a difference in his life.