Infidelity recovery
Hey all. I'm looking for support and ideas to help me in this ongoing and painful struggle. First off, I am seeing a therapist and couples counseling is not an option, she is therapist averse and keeps rejecting it.
The short version is she was having a pretty strong emotional affair at work. She's still in love with him. She has advanced in this job a lot and loves it and doesn't want to leave. They talked and agreed to be friends and don't want anything further. She has even agreed not to talk to him after work. But they still hang out in the same group even when they go get drinks and such.
So heres where i need help. We've been trying to work it out, but it's been a struggle to rebuild trust. I'm not there. She hates to keep talking about it. Since he's still very much in her life, what can I do but ask time to time how it's going or what boundaries are being respected. She's not proactive on any of this. She feels like talking it out once is fine to move on. I think she's a bit emotionally disabled.
Without getting too into it, what else can you do to rebuild trust? I don't know what other actions I can ask her to take besides me asking about things and wanting to hover when she's on her phone? I feel like I'm doing all I can but am hurting and dwelling and haven't been getting the trust back and type of intimacy I need from that.
Also meant 'try not to hover'
@dlc87
Emotional connections are often made when a person is not getting that met in their current relationship.... are your conversations superficial about the house/ car /kids/ pets etc?
Even real affairs are often because something is lacking ....
Want to get over this .......Connect with her... find out what was missing.... and connect in a real way not what you assume she wants ......TALK to her and find out why.... then you need not lurk and worry but know your connection is strong ....and strong enough to accept she has male friends.
I dislike the idea of calling them " emotional" affairs but see why some do. Why do you think they bonded ? what does she talk to him about that she could not with you? ..... We sometime think we know ALL about our spouse but pieces of them change and we do not recognize and embrace it or learn about how they feel? we think we Already know it.
For example my spouse is about as emotional as a potato... (he changed was better before) . He does not listen or care about my feelings or never wants to talk about deeper things ....only the darn dog at this point i dislike now.
He says things like "I never learned to talk about feelings so lets talk about what I want" He told me he would do 1 session only of counseling told him forget it cause one session is therapist say "tell me about what is going on ? " and time is up.....
i have great conversations with 2 other men......... they discuss things with me make me feel listened to and cared about....some even share insight into their mistakes or challenges in their relationships.......many people are not getting their true needs met in emotional ways because spouse is forgetting the fun in connecting and common interests or getting to know you phase and that curiosity should never die because people change always.
When my spouse feels i am pulling away.........he gets on a website to BUY me something............ like that is the answer. ( often items he THINKS i like and i DO NOT ) ..... smothers me when I was away on business with calls and texts but when in same room ignores me ..........and turns the TV up when i speak.....
He shows me every day how little he is connected emotionally........ so if i get that need for a best friend / male perspective conversation........ WHY should my spouse even be bothered by it ? ......... or he would change ....to be there for me ask me about things in person .......even when it is not things he likes to do ........ If he would find out how close I have become to one other person ...... I see no reason for him to even be angry.............as i let him know in many ways i was not getting my needs met in the relationship. told him how i felt ignored and alone when spending "time" with him....
people cannot treat symptoms ....and think all is fixed....... IT is the ROOT cause that is the only way to get over the disconnect.
I hear what your saying and have been trying to do much of that. I hate the *emotional label too, because an affair is an affair, period. Unfortunately I even got to see them cross the line, right in front of me.
I have talked to her about both our needs and am trying. I wasn't kidding when I said she seems emotionally disabled or stunted and its very hard to get her to explain how she feels or think in depth. I open up and am very vulnerable with her but she can hardly do that. I try to give breaks where we can just relax and have fun too. She just seems to think we can simply move on somehow without putting some work.
I try not to hover and give space, but she kept breaking boundaries, and then wants me to just trust her. I need her to have actions not just words, to rebuild trust, so there can be real intimacy and respect. That's where I'm trying to get ideas so I can try to build on what I've been doing already.
@dlc87
It is hard not impossible ........but honestly i developed a bitterness and disconnect with spouse....... since it came to this before he gave a hoot. I wanted to blame him being a self centered person for my decisions. But it was my decision.
Perhaps she does not want to examine it because that causes her to face her actions and ownership of any issues.... it is a lot of self reflection when you have to try to explain it....
when trying to explain.....hard to not fall into rationalizing saying it was something the spouse did...
My spouse upon reflection made me feel bad about myself ... my friend lifted me up gave me compliments and believes in me ... cheered me on when i was losing weight .... hard to not like someone who makes you feel appreciated.
is that an excuse ..NO............. but if i had to chose someone who makes me feel fun interesting and attractive or....... someone who only does not say anything complimentary or makes me feel uninteresting .......
I KNOW why i may have danced on the line or crossed.
@dlc87
Emotionally stunted is similar to when you do not trust your emotions and you have a change of heart about what you once felt or thought you felt ... when in a bad place in a marriage we may question our feelings.... i know i once felt the excitement and happy to see him then i grew to point where everything he did annoyed and angered me .... if i was to say that out loud would i not also look stunted emotionally?
example: i have been having a difficult time as my spouse was going thru things and he is not the greatest in sharing etc so he shut down and made me feel worthless and ignored..... ....
I met online friends who were also lonely in a damaged marriage ......... we chatted and bonded .... it was immature to not think of the collateral damage..... i simply did not care. I loved the attention and feeling wanted.
When i wanted to know why i could have long talks and fun talking with someone....... but the person i spent my life with i couldn't ...... if a person is in that situation they rationalize the betrayal they excuse it because ...... ( insert issue here). sounds stunted huh.... not able to stand up and feel my feelings ....
instead started to tell myself... i imagined or perhaps thought i felt something as i did not now....maybe i never did.... i see now i did this because it made it seem ok for me to chat with someone else.... talk about what if and such ..... does that sound like your situation?
Some of that has been our situation. After lockdown she went back to work before me which created some resentment. Then I got a job that had a lot of mandatory overtime so I could help rebuild our funds and get a better place, which created resentment. That's when she started talking to her (at the time) boss a lot outside of work. After she kept saying she was lonely I started looking for decent jobs (less money, whatever) that matched her schedule, her friends husband referred me to his company, which she resented cause she felt like she found it for me, even though it hadn't been that long, put in apps, and I already put in notice at a job I loved and changed my life for her again. Of course niether of us were actually communicating very well. So...
The really hard part is how long it's taken to get her to understand, constantly discounting what I've been saying, all while spending time with him, even after I saw them together crossing the line. She likes to say if we get divorced it won't be because of him. I understand it's the other stuff that has hurt her, but she doesn't see my side and the *** that has made me start taking antidepressants. As if infidelity isn't a reason to get divorced. During this she has even said that I by far the best relationship she's ever had. Even intimidated by me in some ways because of it. That I'm the first one that hasn't been a POS where she needs to take care of things, and even though she knows it's not fair to me, it's her time to be selfish. Yet she says she wants us to be together. Ive made many changes to help address her needs, but she doesnt do much in return, even though ive asked. And even though shes changed the parameters a bit, i think shes continuing the affair just more in the workplace. I wish if she really didn't want to reconnect and put in more effort that she would just let me go and try to move on. I don't want to be a roommate with benefits. I've even tried to get her to schedule time together to talk about things outside of the affair, but she never does.
I'm going to ask to have weekly check ins, where we can really talk and be prepared to do so, so stuff doesn't keep getting put off or forgotten. Where we can have other days to expect to just be or have fun or have our personal time.
I don't want it to seem like she doesn't try at all, but it's small stuff, and fleeting, and not really listening. Everybody says they would have left by now but I can't give up on what was for a long time, also the best relationship I've had. We still have positives in our relationship. I go out of my way not to push her too much or too often, but I want to suggest things to do to rebuild security in our relationship and make it better.
@dlc87
It is the little things... when in the situation where a relationship is ending ... people like to think some major one big thing is why things fall apart ... IMO it is communication and small things.... I too get the work thing...
Jobs should NOT be some sort of competition .......when we keep score we become adversaries ...
keeping score if one person networked etc they did NOT get you the job you did.... mine is petty he keeps score of who found a new restaurant etc.... keeps talking about one time i suggested a place that was Bad .........10 years ago..like WTF is that about....
i wanted a different type job to make me happy......... sitting answering phones etc and office jobs bore me to death.... but his view is weekends off with him and more money ...... who cares if i am happy ...
I am surprised at this point he does not pick out my clothes..... they need to seek some help ..... i feel they feel threatened by us or jealous of us and must be petty take someone down a notch to feel better about themselves .....it is sad but very hard to put up with.
I once had a great relationship but his actions the last few years have made me question everything ... you can not get people to seek help until they see it and want to change ..... wonder how many broken things could have been saved if people were honest about why and how the little things just chip away at a marriage.
@dlc87,
I'm sorry about what happened. I've been there too. My now ex wife got emotionally very close with someone else. Long distance. A lot of video chatting. In a way I understood as due to mental struggles I wasn't there for her.
She always denied. To me, to others. Saying he was just a good friend and I was making up a story.
We did counseling but due to her affair and denials it failed. I was too angry and upset.
My wife (still call her my wife) is someone who has been through a lot. Emotionally she's not strong (her own words). She doesn't want to talk about things that are too painful, too confronting for her. She asked me to trust her. Well, that's a two way street and something you both have to put effort in. No matter how hard it is.
You have to be able to talk. My wife didn't want, as our therapist suggested, to talk about past situations and how they make her feel now. As she said, it would feel to her like she was reliving the past. Some people are like that. They rather try to forget. Doesn't work though, if you don't deal with the past it will always be in the present. A festering wound that sooner or later will burst and hurt self and others.
She needs to express her needs, expectations, and so do you. Without professional help, or maybe a mediator, a close mutual friend, it feels like you two are on a road to nowhere.
One plus I see is that she apparently admitted. If she would only understand that professional help can rekindle communication (it's not about what happened but about whether you can reconnect) then the two of you might have a chance to at least clear the air. Putting it away won't work.
I appreciate the comments and thanks Tiger for trying to provide insight. I want to reapond more to what youve said and welcome more comments. I just can't get my head in the game right now since we had a huge fight last night. We don't fight a lot and this was the worst ever, like both of us were physically shaky this morning.
It's so weird to go from hearing 'I don't deserve you' (not in a loving way) to 'f*** you' for this or that. She started bringing up stuff from the past to deflect or keep score on something, said how she has to do everything on her own because she learned from her mom always letting her down, said f you, compared me to him, didn't want me to touch her. I've never said f you to her before, after she did, and tried to call out the corporate positive shallow bs that she gets from him and then throws at me... like... seize the day!?! Wtf did that have to do with any of our fight? Did she just quote him to set me off and hurt me more? but my responses were probably recieved as just putting her down, and we were both drunk, which we agreed not to talk about this stuff when drunk. Etc etc
We'll likely talk later. I had to leave work early even. I just needed to post if only to shout out into the void. After all the hurt where I'm still trying so hard ( I have to) trying to work on things big and small... even though I know I can't make someone change or do something until they want to... it's heart breaking to see this person who became a real part of me not reciprocating... or throwing up emotional walls on things that had nothing to do with you.
Crap, I'm rambling now. Thx for listening
Oh, and to clarify, she said 'I don't deserve you' being serious, not loving, more self depricating.