A letter to my ex from my ED

So, six months ago my ex left me, we were together for four years.

I generally don't miss him, but sometimes I just think of him and how much we related, how similar our lives were and how we bonded over our similar trauma.

I wrote a letter to him (I'm never going to send it, I already sent him a similar thing when we were together and it just wouldn't help either of us.)

With that said I'm going to put it in here and feel better about the fact I am sharing it with somebody.

Just for clarification my ex and I are both in our 30s and were together from 2019 to 2023. He actually left me on our 4 year anniversary and as distraught as I was, I felt freedom I hadn't felt in years, like taking off an ill fitting pair of shoes and I'm sure he felt similar.

TW: for CSA and Eating Disorders

A letter to my ex from my Eating Disorder

Dear M,

I'm sorry... I know I've let you down. I know you moved the goal post, constantly. There was no pleasing you.

But... You get it. You knew what it was like to have the forbidden thing happen to you. And to grow up in a completely dysfunctional environment. And to have nobody believe you on top of that.

I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry we were hurt and we had to wear these scarlet letters, as if we were the ones who inflicted the pain we were given.

I'm sorry my compassion was limited in the face of your hyper vigilance. We weren't bad people. We were trauma responses mixed together. Like two poisons.

I'm sorry my poison hurt you, and I'm sorry your poison hurt me. And I'm sorry the only relief you could find was to get away from me. I wish I were a better man. I wish you could see me now. I somehow look even more like my Dad.

I hope you are doing well. You deserve the peace and compassion we just couldn't give each other.

I hope you meet someone who helps you safely experience the full range of the emotional human experience. I hope you find freedom in your story. I hope you are surrounded by love and friendship and I hope you are seeing your niece and you're all doing well.

Goodbye.