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conscientiousNickel7021
1 1,307 M Little Steps 4
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts119 Forum posts86 Forum upvotes87 Current upvotes87 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2024 Member sinceApril 9, 2024
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Recent forum posts
Deflated
Relationship Stress / by conscientiousNickel7021
Last post
 October 5th
...See more My partner has told me that after many years of feeling like her life has been put on hold because of me that she feels massively let down and like all I do is break promises consistently. She says this was not the life we she envisaged when we got together 10 years ago. She wants to break up. I don't. She says she doesn't want words and she feels numb she wants me to leave. Again I don't, I want to make things right. It feels like every time I say something it is met with anger. I keep trying to connect back. I feel like everything is crumbling. We have always had a connection and I feel at a loss to be pushed away. I hate that she says she isn't happy and I don't think I'm wrong for feeling like I want to make things better. I'm just not sure how when I'm met with anger 80% the time I say something. I know her anger and frustration comes from my too chilled approach to life. I think because of this she thinks I don't care but I do. I can find normal things challenging like dealing with people, it is draining where she is the complete opposite. I think because we're not the same in that respect it causes issues. Maybe I have taken too long to make decisions or do actions and she has seen that as I don't care. I do though and it's not like she hasn't been by my side the whole time so even if she doesn't agree woth what I think have been issues for me, she's still aware of times I've felt challenged. I think our different perspectives is the cause of where the anger comes from. In her opinion just get on with it. While I wish I could do that more like I say I have struggled. I'm just not sure what to do now. I keep trying to reach out but feel deflated. I just wanted to rant.
Frame of reference
Relationship Stress / by conscientiousNickel7021
Last post
 October 2nd
...See more Been with my partner 10 years we have a child together. Known each other a lot longer as we were friends before we got into a relationship. We always felt a connection so it just made sense to follow our attraction into a relationship. It wasn't always straightforward as we'd both been in other relationships. Anyways early on she had always said she likes to have her own finances, her own house (which we live in), she wasn't bothered about marriage. These things not massively bother me as I was happy being committed being involved in whatever was going on with family, but now she is telling me she feels neglected. Like we always do things for other family members and not enough on anything that benefits us and because I have contributed to that, gone a long with it, not pushed to get married - I don't care, I'm selfish and can't see bigger than the thing immediately in front of me. Has anyone else ever been told this? I think I do adopt "firefight" mode when it comes to helping family out but I haven't meant to make my partner feel neglected. I try to help things a long now but preempting how to help make life easier (doesn't always work) but she tells me it is too little too late, I don't really care because if I did I wouldn't of let her feel so alone all these years. I would have made her move away from the stresses of her family but we are here now because of me. Every time someone in the family does something annoying, it is my fault we are here and have to deal with it. I feel confused as I had spent years getting involved and helping with family things to try alleviate the stress and be involved to show I care and it seems to have come back to bite me in the a$$. She told me I'm disconnected from my emotions as a person. I don't talk about my feelings like normal people. I have said I'm not always the best at talking about what I'm scared of and it's not that I don't want to share that with her. Now when I do share things she's saying she feels like she's forcing me. She said she doesn't like who I am I'm selfish and a horrible person. I don't want to give up on the relationship as I see it as a commitment even if there are no rings but it's hard to hear someone you love saying if they knew what they know now they're not sure they'd get in a relationship with you because they expected a lot more. I've tried to keep this short and to the point. I just needed to vent. Has this happened to anyone else? I just want to make things better
Lost in trying to prove myself
Relationship Stress / by conscientiousNickel7021
Last post
 August 30th
...See more I've been in a relationship for 10+ years and even though we have had plans about family...marriage...moving etc (the normal stuff) my partner has told me she feels incredibly let down by me as this is not where she imagined we would be this far along. I have admittedly let myself get caught up in family stuff or the stuff that blows up in your face and spent more time dealing with that rather than go back and discuss and plan the bigger things. Now my partner has said she feels disappointed, angry, upset all the time and is constantly pushing me away physically and mentally but I don't want to give stop trying. This isn't where I wanted things to be either and I feel like I'm stuck in between seeking approval that what I'm doing is ok and trying to take the initiative but then getting criticised for things being the way they are. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place every day and it's upsetting. We're both upset but can't talk to each other. Has anyone else experienced this or have any advice. I feel like I'm struggling every day but she wants me to prove I'm worthy at same time as not wanting me to as well.
Codependency
Relationship Stress / by conscientiousNickel7021
Last post
 August 30th
...See more How do you stop yourself from seeking validation from your partner? It is killing my relationship yet I still keep doing it unintentionally. I've read books, listened to podcasts it is me with the issue. I don't believe in myself enough that I do what is expected of me. But it's been like this for years that trying to break the cycle is an upward struggle and I seem to keep going back to my fallback position. Any help or advice please
Pokémon go
Hobby Zone / by conscientiousNickel7021
Last post
 August 24th
...See more Does anyone still Pokémon go? 🙂
Is it helpful getting a diagnosis?
Autism Support / by conscientiousNickel7021
Last post
 October 10th
...See more I've always been considered a bit quirky even when I was a kid. And I've mostly just accepted I'm a bit weird, don't really have many friends and struggle socially especially face to face with people I don't know well. It's been suggested by a few different people that maybe I have an autistic streak which would explain why my behaviours aren't *normal*. I think I'm being kind but come across as being a push over, I think I'm helping by being there but I'm told I don't contribute ideas. The way I am has massively impacted my friendships (or lack thereof) and relationships (partner of 10+ years wants to break up). My question is, is it helpful getting a diagnosis? Has it made any changes positive or negative to your lifestyle? I'm just wondering if it is something I should pursue. Thanks for reading
Time in relationships
Relationship Stress / by conscientiousNickel7021
Last post
 August 16th
...See more I feel like I have messed something good up. I've been with my partner about 15years and were friends for about 5 years before that. We've always been seen as the strong couple others aspire to be and don't get me wrong we have had our trust issues and both messed around at the start but we worked past it. Things have come to a head recently, I took a lot of convincing at the start that I was good enough and even though we have been strong I feel she has taken the lead on a lot of things. We've spoken about future plans, holidays, businesses, getting married, having kids moving abroad...and none of it has come to fruition. I think I have let her lead the relationship and now she is really really angry with me and convinced I've never meant a word of what I've said. I think I've been lazy but I do still want those things. Am I a bad person for trying to do these things in my own time thinking she will always be there? I should mention I do get overwhelmed (poss autistic/adhd) when lots of things go on and she's known this but I think this has mentally drained both of us (she's had to do the thinking/feeling for both of us) and I couldn't cope with big picture thinking when small things are in front of my face. I'm not sure I'm explaining this right. I just know I feel like a f-up, alone, on the brink of being kicked out and like I've hurt someone who's genuinely cared about me and I'm scared of losing them. I'm not even sure what I'm expecting from posting but thank you for taking the time to read. I needed to vent.
Communication
35 & Over Community / by conscientiousNickel7021
Last post
 July 19th
...See more Hi All, After some advice and a sanity check. As a child I was always known as the shy one, so much so by the time I got to high school I started to not push myself at all to make any effort to talk and get out of my comfort zone id only speak when I was asked a question when outside my friend circle because being shy was just me. I'm now 40 and can still struggle at times with putting myself out there, being vulnerable and genuine with people in conversations. I don't really have many friends but have been in a committed relationship for 10 years. We are very much struggling for a variety of reasons, but communication and not taking the lead are some key things that get mentioned a lot. One thing that does keep coming up is how I managed to chat "rubbish" to work colleagues. This makes me get quite annoyed and I have lost my temper with my partner (admittedly I shouldn't have done that) but they tell me that I prioritise my work more than our relationship because I'm good at that rubbish talk and don't put as much effort in relationship conversations. I feel very confused. I hate small talk with people in general and I'm also not very good at it. I also hate when you have to go to work events and network. I'm not close to anyone in my work and I don't feel like I connect with anyone apart from very very superficially. No one really knows much about me and I've been there 2 years. Is it normal to feel as if you're a fake when you're just trying to be you?! I'm very conscious of trying to speak genuinely with my partner about my feelings in general, as it's not something I've been good at in the past. I want to try help things but I don't know if it is. They have also asked if I thought I might be autistic but have masked it from childhood. Is being authentic meant to be so hard? Is anyone else terrible at communicating and does anyone have any tips about how to improve? Thanks Nickle
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