My GF is upset that I went to grab a cup of coffee with a female friend
Hey, guys! I'm new to this kind of things, but I feel like I have no one else to resort to in this matter. I will try to explain and give you the full context.
So, I'm a 26-year-old straight male and my girlfriend is also 26 and straight. We met in high-school and have been dating since then, with a slight hiccup of a one-year break-up a couple of years ago. So, basically we've been together for 9 to 10 years, around that. We've had relationship trust issues before, with cases such as her lying about her medical conditions or me lying about still interacting with women I've felt attracted for before. We've moved past beyond that for like 4 or 5 years now and haven't had any kind of trust issues ever since. There was, however, this one time when I had a really close female best friend that she was actually okay with: but one time, my sister only invited my best friend to her birthday party - and not my girlfriend - which made her super mad (which I totally understand) and asked me to never be friends with this best friend again. It cost me a lot, but what I have with my girlfriend is really precious and I felt she was kind of humilliated in this scenario, so I complied.
Fast forward to today, I was talking to her and ocasionally dropped that I was grabbing a cup of coffee with this female friend of mine later that day. This person is a friend of mine, with whom I had collaborated in a youth politics project a couple of years ago. I hadn't talked to her for 2 years or so, but we randomly bumped with each other a couple of months and since then she asked me if I wanted to grab a cup of coffee with her to catch up. I know this may seem odd, but just to be sure I wasn't being misled or giving the wrong signals, I checked on her socials and she was basically "married" for already 5 or 6 years: she had a fiancé. But still, just to make sure, I went to this coffee meet-up with another friend, to make sure I was perceiving that as a normal, friends hook-up.
We only did this like 2 or 3 times the past 8 months, it's always a quick "check-up" and I make sure it never goes beyond this kind of activities, so as to not cross any socially-accepted (and even heteronormative) boundaries. I love my girlfriend more than anything and no thought of being with someone else has ever crossed my mind.
So, back again to today, as soons as I told my girlfriend about this (via text), her posture totally changed. Even though I already had told her about this friend of mine, and even about the coffee meet-ups, this time she behaved in a totally different way. She started making inquisitory questions and even assumed she had never heard about her, even dropping a: "Oh, I'm sure I'd remember you talking about having a cup of coffee with a woman". I felt disrespected and even untrusted. I felt she didn't trust me and that she was pointing I was hiding something from her - even though I was totally open about it!
So the argument didn't start right away, but she was giving me this short, skeptical responses, and, for about 2 days, we didn't even speak with each other. Also, it doesn't matter much, in my opinion, but I ended up not meeting with this female friend of mine, but only because some late work stuff of hers made it impossible for us to meet up.
Anyways, two days passed and I was waiting for any text or call from hers saying she had overreacted, to be honest. But no, her text was kind of shifting the blame, saying it was my fault that I didn't tranquilize her about this. Which I found very odd, because I had explained her everything there was to explain. Then, she told me her reaction was totally normal, which was to find it weird that I was meetin up with a person that, until 8 months ago, wasn't even a close friend. I said I understood that concern, but that it also felt random for me, but that this kind of meet-ups always felt friendly and normal to me. Once again, I treid to never cross any "coffee meet-up" boundaries.
Later on, my girlfriend further explained these feeling of her, sayint that I was totally in the wrong, because "coffee meet-ups with a member of the opposite gender is totally wrong" and that I had "crossed the relationship boundaries", to my surprise. I was always open with her, sincere and honest, to keep this trust in this relationship up high. But I feel like this untrustful behavior of her is not justified and actually sadly surprinsing from her, since we've always been open - minimally progressive, in other terms - to have friends from the opposite gender. She says I am totally wrong and that I hurt her feelings, even though I not only was always honest with her, but I also feel I haven't crossed any reasonable boundaries... Basically, even when looking to what has happened before, I feel like I can't have any female friends - at least, not in a "group-of-friends-meet-up context". And since I already had to give up a friendship before, I stand even more hurt by this stance of hers...
So, please, help me out here, I don't know what to do...
@portugueseGuy1998 sorry for a couple of grammatical mistakes. Ensligh is not my first language and I was kind of nervous writing this
Some of your past history will color the present and that’s unfortunate. When you mentioned this coffee date before and she didn’t react maybe she was not aware of how she was feeling at the time. However it is interesting that she now acts like you never mentioned it. Maybe because when you first mentioned it, it felt to her like a far-future event. But when the coffee date was soon to happen it became more of a worry for her.
You should not have to give up friends for your relationship. That’s just my opinion. But maybe the issue is that she is not feeling safe. Maybe you should try to find out how you can make her feel safe. And I don’t that that means explaining how you structure the coffee meeting to be safe. I mean, this - pretend that this coffee meeting never happened but that something made you suspect your gf was feeling insecure. How would you behave? What things would you do and say to her to make her feel secure. Take care of that part first. Once that seems to be resolved then maybe talk to her about what your life looks like in terms of friends. I don’t think you should lay down an ultimatum but you should really consider how much freedom you want in your life to socialize with other people. Once you know what that should look like, discuss it with your gf and see if that works for her.
@portugueseGuy1998
Hey 👋🏻
If you feel like in need of reaching someone to vent over it, I'm all ears.
Be well.
By the way, we can use Portuguese.
@portugueseGuy1998 Hey there. It seems you have found yourself in a difficult predicament right now. No one here can tell you what to do; it's up to you to decide what's best for you! With that said, I would like to leave you with some things to think about...
If the roles were reversed and it was your partner meeting up with another guy to grab coffee and chat, would you be ok with it? Even if she told you about it, told you where she was going and with whom... would you be 100% ok with this?
Now let's say some time goes by and she wants to go meet up with him again, is that ok? She tells you she loves you and wants to be with you, but she decides again to spend time with this guy friend of hers. There's nothing wrong with this, right?
Just because 2 people are in a relationship does not mean that they can't have friends. As long as the friendship between the two is strictly platonic, then that's what matters. And as long as the couple is being completely honest with each other and open, then there shouldn't be a problem.
If your partner is feeling uneasy, jealous, insecure, or whatever... then the thing to do is make her feel safe. Assure her that she's all you desire. Make her feel safe and comfortable. Remind her that it's her you've ever really only wanted. Perhaps, you can suggest that she can accompany you and your friend the next time you meet up? If you're interested a relationship and she's engaged, maybe it would be ok to introduce everyone. Maybe she'll be more comfortable if she doesn't feel like it's not something you are keeping from her. Yes, I'm aware you mentioned you haven't kept anything from her... but the thing with women is that when they feel... they really feel...
Are you happy with your partner despite this hiccup? Going days without talking just doesn't seem healthy. If there's a problem or misunderstanding, you talk it out and work it out. You and your girlfriend have got some talking to do. And you've got some thinking to do. Your happiness matters. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you can't have friends. Just be mindful, that sometimes the friendship line is easy to cross... and once that line is crossed and the trust is broken, that brings about a whole other set of problems. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do. I hope you're ok and well. Take care!
@portugueseGuy1998 yes she will be upset to see you with another woman who she doesnt know but maybe you can guarantee her its nothing but a friendly hangout thats it
You did nothing wrong and should be entitled to choose your own friends and hang out with them. If your girlfriend has issues with that, we'll, that is her problem and something she needs to deal with.
