Mastering 'I Statements' for Healthier Relationships

@SoulfullyAButterfly

Very helpful. Thanks.

@SoulfullyAButterfly what happens when you phrase things like this but they say it doesnt matter how you felt it wasnt like that?

Whenever I have phrased things like this, I have never had a response like that. But if I did I would probably restate it and if it's chores for example, "we are a team and I feel that we need to work together to get these things done. I feel frustrated because I feel that you are not helping me. If it's an invite for dinner, "I hear what you are saying, but I feel discouraged and feel like you don't care when you show up to dinner late. Could you try to come on time." If they still say it doesn't matter or it didn't happen that way, I feel that they are a toxic person and not worth the time and effort.

@LevelUpNow thank you I appreciate your reply. Something actually just happened. I was talking with my boyfriends mum and she was talking to me telling a story, he was just walking around the room being distracting on purpose (laughing and smiling when he was being distracting, so he found it funny), interrupting and just being rude to be honest. So afterwards when we were alone, not in front of his mum I said to him: "hey I felt like I couldn't focus in the conversation because you were being a bit distracting. I understand that you didn't want to be in the conversation but I would appreciate it next time if you could be a little bit more mindful, since I was having a nice conversation with your mum." I told him in a very calm way and reassured him that im not mad or anything. But he got extremely mad afterwards. He said why do you have to say things like that, you basically said i was disrespectful when i wasnt. Again i reassured him that I didnt say it like that and i wasnt mad at all. He just wouldnt listen or even be reasonable, shouting and getting mad and he walked off now and locked himself in another room. This type of thing happens daily and i feel like no matter my response to an issue, whether im calm or anything, he just makes it into a huge issue. And i just really dont know what to do anymore. I feel like i cant voice my feeling to him as this is the sort of react i will get from him, no matter how small the issue is.

Hey, I tried so hard to find this reply again ages ago, but I didn't know how. For some reason this post appeared to me today when logging on.

I just really wonder whether or not he would be able to discuss his response to you later on, with you using the same approach. Without knowing more, I would tread lightly because it sounds as if your boyfriend needs to deal with some internal things before he is ready to be in a relationship.

@patientSkies8564

I feel some when they are on the receiving end this comes across as condescending that is what seems to be the issues not only with myself but close friend who used this method .....

if you are aware these statement are often used on small children..... while In some case it may work and does take the accusation tone out of phrases like " you never help with things" .....

it is only a solve all ............if you have a receptive audience............... otherwise in at least one disagreement i had this "i feel " statement was NOT helpful

@SoulfullyAButterfly I noticed, that you never do any chores, why is that? I would have liked it if, you would stand up for me, every so often. I hope, I did the correctly.

@calmMango9611 that not the.

@SoulfullyAButterfly This is very encouraging I will definitely work on this!

Sorry for the accidental huge text 😅

@SoulfullyAButterfly

Awesome post!! Super helpful and great overview of the importance of sharing our feelings with those around us

Great reminders - esp how would we feel if those words were spoken to us.

@barncat

Hi, there long lost friend. Great to see you. I have a new username. Great to see you still here and active😊.

Sorry, I interrupted the flow of this thread. But just had to speak to an old friend❤️

This is very helpful! Thank you butterfly 💙

@SoulfullyAButterfly

Yes, what an awesome and helpful post for more meaningful relationships. It can also help tell where the other person stands by their reaction, if they actually care about your feelings or not. Thank you for this post, it helped me a lot, I need to put it into practice.

I feel like I do most of the chores when I clean alone.

I don’t feel as though I was respected or protected when Will was picking on me. I know you care and you tried.

I would feel less threatened because the statements don’t involve me.

@SoulfullyAButterfly

I feel frustrated when you do not help with the chores because it makes me feel overwhelmed with the amount of work I have.

@SoulfullyAButterfly This is indeed very helpful when we navigate challenges and misunderstandings in a relationships. Use of “I statements” is less confrontational and a polite way to resolve!

@SoulfullyAButterfly

I love this. Using I statements is so important for all relationships but especially, I think, in your romantic relationships. I've definitely been able to navigate tough conversations and communicate better with this technique. Thanks for your post!

@SoulfullyAButterfly

“You never help with any chores” - Usually I do the chores but since we are equals and have equal responsibilities in the relationship, I feel like you should also help with some chores. Sharing our tasks will make it easier to complete and it also is the right thing to do.

“You didn’t stick up for me when Will was picking on me. You obviously don’t care.” - You were there when will was picking on me. We're partners and we should always stand up and support each other. But you just watched. Why didn't you do anything about it? I would have really appreciated it. It made me feel like you don't care. Is that how you feel?

2. Reflect on the new statements you just wrote. How would you feel if you were spoken to in that way, instead of with accusations or blame? Blaming never solves as issue. Communication is the key to any relationship. If something is bothering me I would like to talk with my partner about it and I would like for them to do the same.

So if I was spoken to in that way, I would have understood where my partner was coming from and how they felt about it. The empathy would have helped me to see things from their situation.

1. Try rephrasing these statements using the formula mentioned above:

“You never help with any chores” - Honey, I know you’re dealing with a big load at work. When you get home I now you just want to relax, and I’m feeling frustrated that I don’t get to spend more time with you. Sometimes I just want to leave these dirty dishes and cuddle with you on the couch but if I let them go I’ll just get in the habit and soon we’ll be in a dirty house. Would you like it if we could spend more time together at night? Yes? Great, if you could help with the chores I would really be happy that I can spend more time with you. I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed with our new baby and your mom’s long visit, and I’d be so grateful for your help. We’re such a great team. What do you think of that?

“You didn’t stick up for me when Will was picking on me. You obviously don’t care” - Man, Will was being such an a hole to me. I was feeling really vulnerable. I was thinking you would step in. You are always there for me, but I am feeling a bit hurt and confused. I felt like I was on my own. Can you tell me what was going on for you at that moment?

“I statements,” by themselves are not enough. Effective communication requires 3 parts. Thought and feeling empathy, assertion (the “I statement”), and deep respect for your partner. If you don’t include all three your communication won’t be effective according to Dr. David Burns. His book, Feeling Good Together, is a really excellent guide to making communication in relationships.

@SoulfullyAButterfly

Very helpful

@SoulfullyAButterfly

“I felt hurt when you don’t help with any chores, because it’s important to me that you help me with them.”

“I felt hurt when you didn’t stick up for me when Will was picking on me. It seems You obviously don’t care, it’s important to me that you care.”

I would feel understood that the other person is feeling hurt from the primary person's actions and that I'm not directly being blamed for anything. I would try to resolve the issues and not purposely hurt the other person.

@SoulfullyAButterfly I felt it annoying when you focussed on my anger rather than what I were trying to say because I were concerned about you

@SoulfullyAButterfly

wow, this is an awesome Community Post! i also believe in better communication skills with regards to any relationships i have in my life.

as a listener, i also encourage any member that i chat with regarding a relationship issue to think things through before making a statement that might create negativity.

thinking before you speak is an awesome way to go about communicating with anyone you come accross in life.

I feel/felt _______________________ (an emotion word) when you ____________________________ (the other person’s specific behavior), because ____________________________________________________ (explain what probably causes you to feel this way, without placing blame).

I don't like the use of the word you in the above statement. I agree with @toughTiger6481 that some people would think it is condescending. I think I would try an approach like below.

“You didn’t stick up for me when Will was picking on me. You obviously don’t care” "I'm very upset that Will was being "______"(insert word of your choice here). I feel like I was left out there to fend for myself. " Again, this gives the "you" the opportunity to realize their mistake and step up and comment on why they left you hanging. And again, if they don't say anything about your comment to them, they probably wouldn't have spoken up in the situation to begin with....again, just my opinion. On the flip side, the "you" in this situation, could have come back with something like this...."Will was really being "_____" (insert your word) I had confidence that you could handle the situation and take up for yourself. If other people keep stepping in, Will may see you as someone he can continue to pick on when others aren't around to take up the battle. But if you really think you are lacking the confidence to stand up to him, maybe we can work on some skills together that will help you better handle that situation if it ever arises again."

I realize that with some people you have to be direct but I've also found that with a lot of those types, they tend to take a lot of things out of context and personal anyway. With all that said, I would say that "I statements" would be situational....there is no right or wrong or perfect answer.....they work for some situations and some people, but there are going to be times and people that they don't work for....

Vety helpful thank you ❤️

I did that last night and today he is avoiding me, not replying and acting cold and sarcastic. It hurts like a ***

@SoulfullyAButterfly very helpful! thank you butterfly :)

@SoulfullyAButterfly

Hello SoulfullyAButterfly,

Your post beautifully highlights the significance of mastering communication skills, especially the use of "I statements," in various aspects of life. By expressing our feelings and thoughts through "I statements," we can promote understanding, empathy, and healthier interactions.

Here's the rephrased version of the statements:

1. "I feel overwhelmed when chores are not shared, and I would appreciate your help."

2. "I felt hurt when you didn't stand up for me while Will was picking on me. I value our mutual support and care for each other."

Reflecting on these rephrased statements, it's clear how they foster open and non-blaming communication. They help create a more constructive and compassionate dialogue. Thank you for sharing this valuable insight and offering the opportunity to practice this communication technique! 🌟

@SoulfullyAButterfly

1. I feel tired when you don't help me with the chores because I spend a lot of my day doing the chores.

2. I felt upset when you did not stick up for me when Will was picking on me because it felt like I was alone in that moment.

2. After reflecting on these new statements, I would feel I lot more understanding of how the other person is feeling while also not just feeling guilt when being spoken to like this rather than an accusation.