Mastering 'I Statements' for Healthier Relationships
Mastering communication basics is essential for success in many areas of life, including personal relationships, business, education, and social interactions. It helps us navigate what is troubling us with confidence and reduced conflicts.
One simple skill to improve your communication involves “I Statements”. I statements are important in communication because they allow us to express their feelings, thoughts, and experiences in a clear and non-judgmental way. Instead of placing blame or making assumptions about others, I statements focus on our own feelings and observations.
The formula for communicating with I statements is simple:
I feel/felt _______________________ (an emotion word) when you ____________________________ (the other person’s specific behavior), because ____________________________________________________ (explain what probably causes you to feel this way, without placing blame).
Example: “I felt hurt when you don’t show up on time for dinner, because it’s important to me that we have that time together.”
Let's practice using 'I statements' together:
1. Try rephrasing these statements using the formula mentioned above:
“You never help with any chores”
“You didn’t stick up for me when Will was picking on me. You obviously don’t care”
2. Reflect on the new statements you just wrote. How would you feel if you were spoken to in that way, instead of with accusations or blame?
@SoulfullyAButterfly
Very helpful. Thanks.
@SoulfullyAButterfly what happens when you phrase things like this but they say it doesnt matter how you felt it wasnt like that?
Whenever I have phrased things like this, I have never had a response like that. But if I did I would probably restate it and if it's chores for example, "we are a team and I feel that we need to work together to get these things done. I feel frustrated because I feel that you are not helping me. If it's an invite for dinner, "I hear what you are saying, but I feel discouraged and feel like you don't care when you show up to dinner late. Could you try to come on time." If they still say it doesn't matter or it didn't happen that way, I feel that they are a toxic person and not worth the time and effort.
@LevelUpNow thank you I appreciate your reply. Something actually just happened. I was talking with my boyfriends mum and she was talking to me telling a story, he was just walking around the room being distracting on purpose (laughing and smiling when he was being distracting, so he found it funny), interrupting and just being rude to be honest. So afterwards when we were alone, not in front of his mum I said to him: "hey I felt like I couldn't focus in the conversation because you were being a bit distracting. I understand that you didn't want to be in the conversation but I would appreciate it next time if you could be a little bit more mindful, since I was having a nice conversation with your mum." I told him in a very calm way and reassured him that im not mad or anything. But he got extremely mad afterwards. He said why do you have to say things like that, you basically said i was disrespectful when i wasnt. Again i reassured him that I didnt say it like that and i wasnt mad at all. He just wouldnt listen or even be reasonable, shouting and getting mad and he walked off now and locked himself in another room. This type of thing happens daily and i feel like no matter my response to an issue, whether im calm or anything, he just makes it into a huge issue. And i just really dont know what to do anymore. I feel like i cant voice my feeling to him as this is the sort of react i will get from him, no matter how small the issue is.
Hey, I tried so hard to find this reply again ages ago, but I didn't know how. For some reason this post appeared to me today when logging on.
I just really wonder whether or not he would be able to discuss his response to you later on, with you using the same approach. Without knowing more, I would tread lightly because it sounds as if your boyfriend needs to deal with some internal things before he is ready to be in a relationship.
@patientSkies8564
I feel some when they are on the receiving end this comes across as condescending that is what seems to be the issues not only with myself but close friend who used this method .....
if you are aware these statement are often used on small children..... while In some case it may work and does take the accusation tone out of phrases like " you never help with things" .....
it is only a solve all ............if you have a receptive audience............... otherwise in at least one disagreement i had this "i feel " statement was NOT helpful
@SoulfullyAButterfly I noticed, that you never do any chores, why is that? I would have liked it if, you would stand up for me, every so often. I hope, I did the correctly.
@calmMango9611 that not the.
@SoulfullyAButterfly This is very encouraging I will definitely work on this!
1. “You never help with any chores” - Rephrased: I feel/felt overwhelmed when you don't help with any chores, because its alot to handle on my own.
“You didn’t stick up for me when Will was picking on me. You obviously don’t care” - Rephrased: I feel/felt unprotected and not cared for when you did not stick up for me while Will picked on me, because it made me feel like you didn't care about it or about me.
2. Reflect on the new statements you just wrote. How would you feel if you were spoken to in that way, instead of with accusations or blame? - These response would help me have more empathy and able to understand things from the person's perspective that I may not be able to see.
Sorry for the accidental huge text 😅
@SoulfullyAButterfly
Awesome post!! Super helpful and great overview of the importance of sharing our feelings with those around us
Great reminders - esp how would we feel if those words were spoken to us.
@barncat
Hi, there long lost friend. Great to see you. I have a new username. Great to see you still here and active😊.
Sorry, I interrupted the flow of this thread. But just had to speak to an old friend❤️
This is very helpful! Thank you butterfly 💙
@SoulfullyAButterfly
Yes, what an awesome and helpful post for more meaningful relationships. It can also help tell where the other person stands by their reaction, if they actually care about your feelings or not. Thank you for this post, it helped me a lot, I need to put it into practice.
I feel like I do most of the chores when I clean alone.
I don’t feel as though I was respected or protected when Will was picking on me. I know you care and you tried.
I would feel less threatened because the statements don’t involve me.
