Mastering 'I Statements' for Healthier Relationships
Mastering communication basics is essential for success in many areas of life, including personal relationships, business, education, and social interactions. It helps us navigate what is troubling us with confidence and reduced conflicts.
One simple skill to improve your communication involves “I Statements”. I statements are important in communication because they allow us to express their feelings, thoughts, and experiences in a clear and non-judgmental way. Instead of placing blame or making assumptions about others, I statements focus on our own feelings and observations.
The formula for communicating with I statements is simple:
I feel/felt _______________________ (an emotion word) when you ____________________________ (the other person’s specific behavior), because ____________________________________________________ (explain what probably causes you to feel this way, without placing blame).
Example: “I felt hurt when you don’t show up on time for dinner, because it’s important to me that we have that time together.”
Let's practice using 'I statements' together:
1. Try rephrasing these statements using the formula mentioned above:
“You never help with any chores”
“You didn’t stick up for me when Will was picking on me. You obviously don’t care”
2. Reflect on the new statements you just wrote. How would you feel if you were spoken to in that way, instead of with accusations or blame?
@SoulfullyAButterfly
I feel frustrated when you do not help with the chores because it makes me feel overwhelmed with the amount of work I have.
@SoulfullyAButterfly This is indeed very helpful when we navigate challenges and misunderstandings in a relationships. Use of “I statements” is less confrontational and a polite way to resolve!
@SoulfullyAButterfly
I love this. Using I statements is so important for all relationships but especially, I think, in your romantic relationships. I've definitely been able to navigate tough conversations and communicate better with this technique. Thanks for your post!
@SoulfullyAButterfly
“You never help with any chores” - Usually I do the chores but since we are equals and have equal responsibilities in the relationship, I feel like you should also help with some chores. Sharing our tasks will make it easier to complete and it also is the right thing to do.
“You didn’t stick up for me when Will was picking on me. You obviously don’t care.” - You were there when will was picking on me. We're partners and we should always stand up and support each other. But you just watched. Why didn't you do anything about it? I would have really appreciated it. It made me feel like you don't care. Is that how you feel?
2. Reflect on the new statements you just wrote. How would you feel if you were spoken to in that way, instead of with accusations or blame? Blaming never solves as issue. Communication is the key to any relationship. If something is bothering me I would like to talk with my partner about it and I would like for them to do the same.
So if I was spoken to in that way, I would have understood where my partner was coming from and how they felt about it. The empathy would have helped me to see things from their situation.
1. Try rephrasing these statements using the formula mentioned above:
“You never help with any chores” - Honey, I know you’re dealing with a big load at work. When you get home I now you just want to relax, and I’m feeling frustrated that I don’t get to spend more time with you. Sometimes I just want to leave these dirty dishes and cuddle with you on the couch but if I let them go I’ll just get in the habit and soon we’ll be in a dirty house. Would you like it if we could spend more time together at night? Yes? Great, if you could help with the chores I would really be happy that I can spend more time with you. I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed with our new baby and your mom’s long visit, and I’d be so grateful for your help. We’re such a great team. What do you think of that?
“You didn’t stick up for me when Will was picking on me. You obviously don’t care” - Man, Will was being such an a hole to me. I was feeling really vulnerable. I was thinking you would step in. You are always there for me, but I am feeling a bit hurt and confused. I felt like I was on my own. Can you tell me what was going on for you at that moment?
“I statements,” by themselves are not enough. Effective communication requires 3 parts. Thought and feeling empathy, assertion (the “I statement”), and deep respect for your partner. If you don’t include all three your communication won’t be effective according to Dr. David Burns. His book, Feeling Good Together, is a really excellent guide to making communication in relationships.
@SoulfullyAButterfly
Very helpful
@SoulfullyAButterfly
“I felt hurt when you don’t help with any chores, because it’s important to me that you help me with them.”
“I felt hurt when you didn’t stick up for me when Will was picking on me. It seems You obviously don’t care, it’s important to me that you care.”
I would feel understood that the other person is feeling hurt from the primary person's actions and that I'm not directly being blamed for anything. I would try to resolve the issues and not purposely hurt the other person.
@SoulfullyAButterfly I felt it annoying when you focussed on my anger rather than what I were trying to say because I were concerned about you
@SoulfullyAButterfly
wow, this is an awesome Community Post! i also believe in better communication skills with regards to any relationships i have in my life.
as a listener, i also encourage any member that i chat with regarding a relationship issue to think things through before making a statement that might create negativity.
thinking before you speak is an awesome way to go about communicating with anyone you come accross in life.
I feel/felt _______________________ (an emotion word) when you ____________________________ (the other person’s specific behavior), because ____________________________________________________ (explain what probably causes you to feel this way, without placing blame).
I don't like the use of the word you in the above statement. I agree with @toughTiger6481 that some people would think it is condescending. I think I would try an approach like below.
“You never help with any chores” "I feel like I can't accomplish everything I need to. After thinking of ways to get everything done, I've come to the conclusion I may need some help." This statement give the "you" the opportunity to step up and offer to help. If they don't, they probably wouldn't help anyway, no matter how gentle you come across with your feelings(just my thoughts).
“You didn’t stick up for me when Will was picking on me. You obviously don’t care” "I'm very upset that Will was being "______"(insert word of your choice here). I feel like I was left out there to fend for myself. " Again, this gives the "you" the opportunity to realize their mistake and step up and comment on why they left you hanging. And again, if they don't say anything about your comment to them, they probably wouldn't have spoken up in the situation to begin with....again, just my opinion. On the flip side, the "you" in this situation, could have come back with something like this...."Will was really being "_____" (insert your word) I had confidence that you could handle the situation and take up for yourself. If other people keep stepping in, Will may see you as someone he can continue to pick on when others aren't around to take up the battle. But if you really think you are lacking the confidence to stand up to him, maybe we can work on some skills together that will help you better handle that situation if it ever arises again."
I realize that with some people you have to be
direct but I've also found that with a lot of those types, they tend to
take a lot of things out of context and personal anyway. With all that said, I would say that "I statements" would be situational....there is no right or wrong or perfect answer.....they work for some situations and some people, but there are going to be times and people that they don't work for....
